[Wash and Mal are blindfolded in Niska's torture chamber.]
Wash[Panicking] I think I've been kidnapped.
Wash
[Pauses] Can you see where we are?
Wash
Mal, what the hell is going on?
Wash
But you've got some theories?
[Slightly irritated] Still working it through.
Wash
[Loudly] I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming. So, whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. And you know why? Because no matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back. With the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now... what do I do?
Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash
Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic. [Pause] If I'm not gonna talk, then you have to! What else?
We just gotta keep our heads.
Wash
Right. Keep our heads. That way we'll be able to, you know, keep our heads. You and Zoe have been in plenty of situations like this before, right?
Wash
Many a' time, you and Zoe.
At least we know who it was took us-
Wash
Zoe and you. Together, in a tricky...[Considers this] Mal, she's my wife!
Wash
What gives you the right to put her in a dangerous situation like this?
Wash
You did!
Wash
No, but she would've been!
Wash
I mean, I'm the one that she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Listen, if— [surprised] She swore to obey?
Wash
Well, no... not— [breathing heavily] But that's just my point! You, she obeys! She obeys you. There's obeying going on right under my nose!
Look, Zoe and I have a history— she trusts me.
Wash
[Annoyed] What's that supposed to mean?
Don't mean a thing, but you're making out like she blindly follows my every word; that ain't true.
Wash
Sure it is.
Not so. There's plenty orders of mine that she didn't obey.
Wash
Name one!
[Back on the ship, Inara, Jayne, Simon, Shepherd Book, and Kaylee are anxiously awaiting Zoe's return. The door opens, and Wash and Zoe walk through.]
Oh my God, what happened?
Let me take a look— how bad is it?
Wash
I'm fine. [Wash and Zoe push through the crew blocking the hallway.]
Niska wouldn't let him go.
For now. [Zoe hands a bundle to Simon.] Take that to the infirmary— put it on ice.
[Simon unwraps the handkerchief, revealing Mal's ear. Inara and Kaylee gasp and turn away.]
[Shepherd mutters in Chinese. Zoe turns back to the crew.]
What are we gonna do, clone him?
Well it's a clean cut; with the right equipment I should be able to reattach it. [Simon looks up.] That's assuming there's a head.
[While Zoe and Wash are getting ready to assault Niska's Skyplex]
Wash
Grenades?
Oh, yes. Thank you, dear. [Turning to Jayne] They won't be expecting it.
Right. 'Cause they ain't insane.
[Mal has explained Wash's desire to have the captain and Zoe sleep together to resolve "burning sexual tension".]
I know it's a... [puts Zoe's hands on his hip and shoulder] difficult mission, but you and I... [places his hands likewise on her] have to get it on.
I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
[walking in] Well, somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.
(They lean in awkwardly to kiss, Wash grabs Zoe and pulls her away.)
Wash
We'll be in our bunk. (slaps Zoe's butt as they leave)
[sniffing] Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he was tortured] free soup.
[Mal groans in pain.]
Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash
I'm confused.
You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash
No. Actually, I was wondering... what's she doing on this ship?
. . .
Wash
We're in space! How'd she get here?
Wash
I don't recall pulling over!
. . .
Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just walk in and grab it herself?
[sarcastically] Good point!
. . .
Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.
Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
[She stands to face Saffron.]
I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is... get over it.
[Zoe belts Saffron, who falls to the floor.]
[Simon and Kaylee check out the "proof of alien life" exhibit: an inert creature in a cylindrical jar.]
Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
But cow? How do you figure?
[Kaylee tilts her head to the side.]
And I'm out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a... disgusting time.
. . .
[Simon watches as Kaylee storms off. Zoe and Wash enter the exhibit.]
Wash
Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.
Scared her away again, did you?
D— This may come as a shock, but I'm actually… not very good at talking to girls.
Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
[Wash stares into the "face" of the "alien".]
Wash
[Speaking loudly, slowly, and enunciating clearly] Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.
[Jayne proudly wears his mother's colorful home-knit cap.]
How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?
I think it's the sweetest hat ever.
Wash
A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
. . .
[Zoe and Mal open a coffin-sized box to find a body. Jayne peers in.]
What'd y'all order a dead guy for?
[Wash is flying through the canyon with debris falling onto the ship, Mal isn't flying comfortable.]
Wash
Woo! This kind of flying really wakes up a guy!
Isn't there a pregnant woman I'm to examine?
Wash
[to Kaylee] You'd really lie with someone being paid for it?
Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me.
Whoop! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here. Ooh!
Wash
Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.
Wash
Well, I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives.
That excuse is gettin' a little worn, honey.
Wash
It's not an excuse, dear! It's objective assessment. I can't help that it stays relevant.
I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash, or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. [tenderly] You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.
ZZoë
Where's River at now?
In her room, which I'm thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Wash
That a little extreme, isn't it?
Anyone remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash
[reminiscently] Wacky fun…
You wanna go, little man?
Wash
Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Sir, I know she's unpredictable. But I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Firefly · 283 quotes
