Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.
S1The Germans
Is there something wrong?
Will you stop talking about the war?
Me! You started it!
We did not start it!
Yes you did -- you invaded Poland.
SSister
Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
Yes, we must, mustn't we? My god, you're ugly aren't you? Mind boggling!
SSister
I'll get the Doctor.
You need a plastic surgeon dear, not a doctor.
Oh, Fawlty. How's, erm...
My wife?
Er, that's it.
Fine. Absolutely fine. They're taking it out tomorrow morning.
Is she? Good.
No, not her, the nail. They're taking it out tomorrow.
What?
The nail! They're taking it out tomorrow.
H-How did she get a nail in her?
No, I thought I told you, Major. She's having her toenail taken out.
What, just the one of them?
It's an ingrowing one, Major.
Oh, well if it's causing you pain, you have it out!
Germans, coming here?
Oh just for a couple of days.
I don't care much for Germans.
I suppose I see what you mean-
Bunch of Krauts, that's what they are! All of them! Bad eggs!
Well forgive and forget, Major. God knows how, the bastards. Still...
Ah, well, you've got to love 'em, I suppose.
[startled] Germans?
No! Women! I hate Germans... Love women.
What about German women?
Good card players! But mind you, I wouldn't give 'em the time of day.
[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him] Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
[The guests all gather in the lobby]
GMiss Gatsby
What is it?
The point is, can I put it this way... [high voice] Fire.
GMiss Gatsby
Fire?
Fire. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire!
Fire?
Fire! Out there. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[All the guests leave the hotel]
Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads. Wait a moment, I got a bit confused here, sorry. Sorry, I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war, so could you... what's the matter?
It's alright.
Is there something wrong?
Will you stop talking about the war?
Me? You started it!
We did not start it!
Yes you did, you invaded Poland!
[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]
Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
SSister
Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
Basil?!
SSister
I-I'll get the doctor.
You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.
How dare you talk to Sister like that. Get back into bed!
You do not seem to realise that I am needed at the hotel!
No they don't. They're managing beautifully without you.
Polly cannot cope!
Well she can't fall over waiters or get her head stuck under desks or start burglar alarms or lock people in burning rooms or fire fire extinguishers straight in her own face. But I think the hotel can do without that sort of coping for a couple of days. What do you think, Basil, hmm?
TMs Tibbs
We don't think you're well, Mr Fawlty.
Well perhaps not but I'll live longer than you.
GMs Gatsby
You must have hurt yourself!
My dear woman, a blow on the head like that... is worth two in the bush.
[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight] How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.
[LAST LINES: the moose-head has landed on Manuel, after falling and knocking out Basil]
He hit me on the head!
No; you hit him on the head, you NAUGHTY MOOSE!!
[All four Germans look on]
How ever did they win?
S2Communication Problems
What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
No, no. Fawlty.
Faulty? What's wrong with him?
It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
The manager's from Barcelona?
No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.
Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
(confused) You've got a bath.
I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
[quietly] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
[quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
That is Torquay madam.
Well it's not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
I'd need a telescope to see that.
Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
No, the radio works. [mutters] You don't.
What?
I'll see if I can fix it [mutters] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)
Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
What?
[shouting] A hearing aid!
Yes I do have a hearing aid!
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
No it isn't!
I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
Why not?
The battery runs out. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
[whispering] 60% if you turn it on.
What?!
My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I will.
(muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...
[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]
TGMiss Tibbs and Gatsby
Good afternoon.
First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]
TGMiss Tibbs and Gatsby
Oohh
GMiss Gatsby
Would you like some of ours?
TMiss Tibbs
We keep an extra supply
GMiss Gatsby
Yes, would you like some of ours?
[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.