Hello! [Polly comes out of the office] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
Well we don't put it in the rooms
[shocked] In the Lounge?!
I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
[still shocked] Address on it?!
How many sheets? [Mrs Richards looks appalled] Well how many are you going to use?
[banging the desk bell] Manager!
Just enough for one? Tell me!
Now, listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
[confused] You’ve got a bath.
I’m not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus V.A.T. for a room without a bath.
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
[looks at it] You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.
[sotto] I wish you were a mouse, I’d show you...
And another thing: I asked for a room with a view.
[sotto to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [goes to the window, in a louder voice] Uh, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Well, that is Torquay, madam.
Well, it’s not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeests sweeping majestically—?
Don’t be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea, [pointing out with his index finger] it’s over there between the land and the sky.
I need a telescope to see that.
Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?... [sotto] Or preferably in it.
Right. Now, listen to me. I’m not satisfied, but I’ve decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn’t work.
No, the radio works. [sotto] You don’t.
I’ll see if I can fix it, [sotto] you scabby old bat.
[He turns it on loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]
I think we got something then.
I think we got something then!
[looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears] What are you doing?
[Basil swats him upside the head]
Madam, don’t think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
Yes, I do have a hearing aid!
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It’s working perfectly alright.
I haven’t got it turned on at the moment.
The battery runs down. Now, what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
[sotto] 60% if you turn it on.
My wife handles all such matters, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I shall speak to her after lunch.
[sotto, bowing] You heard that alright, didn’t you?
Thank you so much. Uh, lunch will be served at half past twelve.
[leaving the room] I can get downstairs by myself.
"Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
[to Mrs Richards] Are you sure you can manage?
If you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it, dear? The odd moment like that? It's almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear? It's what marriage is all about. I know – I read about it on the back of a matchbox.
You know, Basil, sometimes...
[puts his arm round her waist] Seriously, Sybil. Do you remember the first time we were... manacled together – we used to laugh quite a lot.
[puts his hand back] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil. [exits]
Ah, that's true. That was a warning all right, wasn't it? Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate! Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, mate. That's your lot.
Back to the world of dreams... Yes, dear?
Give it another fifteen years?
