(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's) Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella Harvey Keitel?
Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him!
S2The Plague
S2Rock-a-Hula Ted
NCNiamh Conolly
The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!
(Father Dougal is reading a Music magazine. Niamh Connolly is on the front cover wearing boxing gloves)
(seeing magazine cover) There she is again. She's all over the place.
(Ted looks closer at the magazine cover. A closeup of the boxing gloves reveals the words "Clit Power")
"Clit Power". What does that mean?
Don't know.
I knew a Father Clint Power. Maybe she's having a go at him?
(Niamh Connolly is being interviewed on TV again)
Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me.
(Ted and Dougal are watching the TV in shock)
I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland.
God!
I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance
No that's terrible news!
(Ted switches TV off)
Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance!
(animated in his agreement) No Way! Jose!
(Father Ted is judging "The Lovely Girls" competition)
(speaking into microphone) And now... walking!
(The girls begin walking around traffic cones as if they are at an animal show)
Look at them there. Walking around. Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?
FLFather Liam
(Walks up to Ted and speaks quietly) Careful there Ted. That might offend the girls.
(agrees, then speaks into microphone) Of course. They all have lovely bottoms!
(The Lovely Girls competition is now down to the final two girls, whose lovely laugh must determine the winner)
(in microphone) It's between Imelda and Mary in the lovely laugh tie break!
(Imelda and Mary stand facing each other. Ted stands between them. )
In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll have to tell you a joke. So here we go... this is my Robin Williams impression.
(Father Ted begins joke)
Secretary: The invisible man is in reception
Boss: Tell him I can't see him!
(Imelda and Mary lean forward to laugh into Ted's microphone)
You all right there? How's your bra?
WHAT?!
Your bra! Is it comfortable? Do you have a bra?
(Niamh shakes her head in disapproval)
It's not too tight, is it? 'Cause you can loosen it if you want. Take it off, sure, go on.
(Niamh looks uncomfortable)
Or would you like some tea? I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off. [gets up]
Oh. That's the other thing Ted. I sold Niamh the house.
Alright. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope.
(Ted pulls out paper and pencil
I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do.
(Ted is trying to convince Niamh to give them back the parochial house)
We're a very progressive parish!
I hope it's not a hideaway for pedophile priests. That whole thing disgusted me!
Well Niamh, we're not all like that. Say if there's two hundred million priests in the world and five percent are pedophiles, that's still only ten million.
(Niamh is confused at Ted's statement)
No. What we wanted to create here was a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy.
Really Father?
Yes. If there's one thing I hate it is hypocrisy.
(A happy Father Liam suddenly comes to the window with a newspaper. He pointed Ted the front page in big bold headlines reading '"Priest praises lovely bottoms"')
S2Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading
I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Sacrifice?! Arse!!
(Phone Conversation)
NNun
On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
£200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
(While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
(having sobered up) Where are the other two?
"Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
And what do you two do?
Well, we're priests.
What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!
How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.
(After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.