Frank Murphy quotes from F Is for Family

Frank Murphy

I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE MET GOD!

Frank Murphy

That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

Frank Murphy

Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

Frank Murphy

I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

Frank

Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.

Kevin Murphy

We're not doing anything!

Frank

Neither was I. That's how you got here.

Frank

Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam.

Kevin

What? I'm not?

Frank

You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

Maureen Murphy

Cocksucker!

Frank Murphy

What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

Kevin Murphy

What if she never comes home?

Frank

DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

[after throwing a snowball in Bill's face] If you cross my path today, Murphy, I will scalp you, shit in the scalp, and slap it back on your head so everybody calls you "shit-wig", and--

Frank Murphy

HEY!

[whimpering, backing off] Oh man, don't hurt me!

Frank Murphy

Yeah! You'd better run from me!

[retreating] I'm afraid of your wife, you out-of-work pussy-fart!

Frank Murphy

You see that, Sue? Everybody knows. I can't even intimidate children anymore.

Don't let him bother you, Frank, he'll be in jail soon.

Frank Murphy

[to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.

Kevin Murphy

You can turn on the air conditioner.

Frank Murphy

It's not hot enough for it yet.

Frank Murphy

Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.

Bill Murphy

[smug] He can't. He failed math.

Frank Murphy

[shocked] What?

Sue Murphy

[shocked] You failed math?

Kevin Murphy

[to Bill] You are dead.

Bill Murphy

[still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.

Frank Murphy

[shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!

Maureen Murphy

Daddy, I got all A's.

Frank Murphy

[to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Sue Murphy

Frank, stop yelling.

Frank Murphy

[angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!

Kevin Murphy

[talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!

Frank Murphy

[sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!

Sue Murphy

[silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.

Frank Murphy

[continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!

Kevin Murphy

D-PLUS!!!

Sue Murphy

[outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]

Frank Murphy

Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!

Frank Murphy

AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]

[From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!

Frank Murphy

You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.

Kevin Murphy

We're not that lucky.

Frank Murphy

You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

Frank Murphy

Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?

Bill Murphy

We shove it down…

Frank Murphy

That's right. And later in life, we take it out on someone else.

Frank Murphy

So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?

Kevin Murphy

... Door was supposed to swing out...

Frank Murphy

Yeah, well, I should have pulled out! Fucking jailbird!

[approaching Kevin] Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!

Frank Murphy

He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!

Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

Frank Murphy

[muttering to himself while driving to work on a rainy early morning] Fucking Saturday. Fucking crack of dawn. Fucking birds aren’t even awake. Goddamn Ed treats me like a slave. Unpaid fucking training. Fuck him. [clocks in] Smiling piece of shit. See how happy he is with my foot up his fucking ass. Fucking...

Morning Frank!

Frank Murphy

Jesus!

Frank, the coffee was ready at 5:30, but you weren’t.

Want me to make him stand out in the rain?

Oh, no. I don’t want to give Frank the achoo-ies. But I will have to give you the finger. [Brushes his right index finger over his left index finger while giving Frank a stern look]

Maureen Murphy

[to a fussy Megan] Shut the fuck up.

Frank Murphy

Maureen!

Maureen Murphy

I wasn’t doing anything!

Frank Murphy

You do not tell a kid to shut the fuck up. That’s a parent’s job. [Sits on sofa next to Maureen, holds Megan] Now, sweetie, I know you’re still adjusting to having a new sibling, okay? But in time you’ll...

Maureen Murphy

Okay, bye, going to the graveyard! [runs out the door]

Frank Murphy

[sighs, to Megan] will you please turn out normal?

Professor Screw-well, there must be some way for me to make up being late to school.

You need an insertion of discipline.

Frank Murphy

BILL! [the kids gave them a shock] What the fսck is this?!

Bill Murphy

[shocked] Dad!

Sue Murphy

[angrily] BILL!

Frank Murphy

[shrieked with a shock and shouts] SUE, DON'T LOOK!!! DON'T LOOK!!!

[peaks out of his eyes and looks at Frank] Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!

Frank Murphy

[starts panicking at the kids scaring him off] UGH!!! NO, NO, NO!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! [grunts, kicks the movie projecter and cause them on fire and he's shocked in horror]