Kevin Murphy quotes from F Is for Family

Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.

Kevin Murphy

We're not doing anything!

Neither was I. That's how you got here.

S1 E1 The Bleedin' in Sweden

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Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam.

Kevin

What? I'm not?

You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

S1 E2 Saturday Bloody Saturday

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Maureen Murphy

Cocksucker!

What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

Kevin Murphy

What if she never comes home?

DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

S1 E4 F" is for Halloween

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Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.

Kevin Murphy

Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.

Bill

Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.

Kevin

I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me cause I'm a piece of shit. They give me a paper saying I'm said 'piece of shit', and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the fuck would I do that? I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

S1 E5 Bill Murphy's Day Off

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[to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.

Kevin Murphy

You can turn on the air conditioner.

It's not hot enough for it yet.

Kevin Murphy': [annoyed] What does this family have against comfort?!

Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.

[smug] He can't. He failed math.

[shocked] What?

[shocked] You failed math?

Kevin Murphy

[to Bill] You are dead.

[still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.

[shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!

Maureen Murphy

Daddy, I got all A's.

[to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Frank, stop yelling.

[angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!

Kevin Murphy

[talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!

[sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!

[silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.

[continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!

Kevin Murphy

D-PLUS!!!

[outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]

[Everyone stares at her, shocked]

Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!

[The A/C machine sputters as bugs and smoke come out of it, then it falls to the ground outside]

AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]

VVic

[From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!

S3 E2 Paul Lynde to Block

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You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.

Kevin Murphy

We're not that lucky.

You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

S3 E6 Punch Drunk

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So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?

Kevin Murphy

... Door was supposed to swing out...

Yeah, well, I should have pulled out! Fucking jailbird!

ITInternational Touch

[approaching Kevin] Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!

He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!

ITInternational Touch

Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

S3 E9 Frank the Father

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SMSusan Murphy

That's enough of your "poor me" bullshit!

What did I do?!

SMSusan Murphy

Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...

Maureen Murphy

Grandma Nora.

Kevin Murphy

The Beatles.

Johnny Unitas that one time.

Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was Earl Morrall's fault! [getting angrier and louder] Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath, THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!

[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]

What?! It's true!

SMSusan Murphy

But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but we are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.

[furiously] IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!

[Megan starts crying]

SMSusan Murphy

Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter.