F Is for Family quotes

Frank Murphy

I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE MET GOD!

Frank Murphy

That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

Frank

Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.

Kevin Murphy

We're not doing anything!

Frank

Neither was I. That's how you got here.

Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

Frank

Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam.

Kevin

What? I'm not?

Frank

You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

Maureen Murphy

Cocksucker!

Frank Murphy

What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

Kevin Murphy

What if she never comes home?

Frank

DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

Bill Murphy

Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.

Kevin Murphy

Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.

Bill

Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.

Kevin

I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me cause I'm a piece of shit. They give me a paper saying I'm said 'piece of shit', and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the fuck would I do that? I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

Frank Murphy

Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

[after throwing a snowball in Bill's face] If you cross my path today, Murphy, I will scalp you, shit in the scalp, and slap it back on your head so everybody calls you "shit-wig", and--

Frank Murphy

HEY!

[whimpering, backing off] Oh man, don't hurt me!

Frank Murphy

Yeah! You'd better run from me!

[retreating] I'm afraid of your wife, you out-of-work pussy-fart!

Frank Murphy

You see that, Sue? Everybody knows. I can't even intimidate children anymore.

Don't let him bother you, Frank, he'll be in jail soon.

Jimmy James Fitzsimmons, get in this fucking car! Yeah, you've seen the light. Beating up little fat girls, I ought to kick your ass!

I'm a boy.

Frank Murphy

[to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.

Kevin Murphy

You can turn on the air conditioner.

Frank Murphy

It's not hot enough for it yet.

Frank Murphy

Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.

Bill Murphy

[smug] He can't. He failed math.

Frank Murphy

[shocked] What?

Sue Murphy

[shocked] You failed math?

Kevin Murphy

[to Bill] You are dead.

Bill Murphy

[still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.

Frank Murphy

[shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!

Maureen Murphy

Daddy, I got all A's.

Frank Murphy

[to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Sue Murphy

Frank, stop yelling.

Frank Murphy

[angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!

Kevin Murphy

[talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!

Frank Murphy

[sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!

Sue Murphy

[silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.

Frank Murphy

[continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!

Kevin Murphy

D-PLUS!!!

Sue Murphy

[outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]

Frank Murphy

Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!

Frank Murphy

AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]

[From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!

Bridget, we gotta go.

Bridget Fitzsimmons

I wanna swim.

And I wanna piss without blood. Now, come on. I still got to fish a stillborn possum out of the Eastside pool.

Bridget Fitzsimmons

I'm staying! Fuck those Eastside dick blisters!

Bill Murphy

She's hot...

Well, then fuck your mother and fuck you too! [Everyone gasps and looks at him] It's all right, everyone. She's my daughter.

[getting upset from Anthony's keep saying "You know what?"] You know what, Anthony? You annoy the fuck out of me! I wish I'd pushed harder on your soft spot when you were a baby! [he pushes Anthony to the ground]

Frank Murphy

You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.

Kevin Murphy

We're not that lucky.

Frank Murphy

You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!