Maureen Murphy quotes from F Is for Family

What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

What if she never comes home?

Frank

DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

S1 E4 F" is for Halloween

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[to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.

You can turn on the air conditioner.

It's not hot enough for it yet.

Kevin Murphy': [annoyed] What does this family have against comfort?!

Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.

Bill Murphy

[smug] He can't. He failed math.

[shocked] What?

[shocked] You failed math?

[to Bill] You are dead.

Bill Murphy

[still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.

[shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!

Maureen Murphy

Daddy, I got all A's.

[to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Frank, stop yelling.

[angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!

[talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!

[sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!

[silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.

[continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!

D-PLUS!!!

[outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]

[Everyone stares at her, shocked]

Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!

[The A/C machine sputters as bugs and smoke come out of it, then it falls to the ground outside]

AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]

VVic

[From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!

S3 E2 Paul Lynde to Block

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Maureen Murphy

[to a fussy Megan] Shut the fuck up.

Maureen!

Maureen Murphy

I wasn’t doing anything!

You do not tell a kid to shut the fuck up. That’s a parent’s job. [Sits on sofa next to Maureen, holds Megan] Now, sweetie, I know you’re still adjusting to having a new sibling, okay? But in time you’ll...

Maureen Murphy

Okay, bye, going to the graveyard! [runs out the door]

[sighs, to Megan] will you please turn out normal?

S5 E3 Blind Alley

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SMSusan Murphy

That's enough of your "poor me" bullshit!

What did I do?!

SMSusan Murphy

Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...

Maureen Murphy

Grandma Nora.

The Beatles.

Bill Murphy

Johnny Unitas that one time.

Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was Earl Morrall's fault! [getting angrier and louder] Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath, THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!

[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]

What?! It's true!

SMSusan Murphy

But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but we are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.

[furiously] IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!

[Megan starts crying]

SMSusan Murphy

Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter.