Bill MurphyNow I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.
Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.
Bill
Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.
I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me cause I'm a piece of shit. They give me a paper saying I'm said 'piece of shit', and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the fuck would I do that? I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.
[to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.
You can turn on the air conditioner.
It's not hot enough for it yet.
Kevin Murphy': [annoyed] What does this family have against comfort?!
Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.
Bill Murphy
[smug] He can't. He failed math.
[shocked] You failed math?
Bill Murphy
[still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.
[shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!
[to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
[angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!
[talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!
[sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!
[silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.
[continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!
[outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]
[Everyone stares at her, shocked]
Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!
[The A/C machine sputters as bugs and smoke come out of it, then it falls to the ground outside]
AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]
VVic
[From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!
WOWoman on Porn Film
Professor Screw-well, there must be some way for me to make up being late to school.
RRed
You need an insertion of discipline.
[They both grunt moan and groan when the kids saw the porn film, "Fuck School". When Frank enters angrily]
BILL! [the kids gave them a shock] What the fսck is this?!
[The kids were clamoring and running away from the Former Stevenson's house]
Bill Murphy
[shocked] Dad!
[shrieked with a shock and shouts] SUE, DON'T LOOK!!! DON'T LOOK!!!
BBen
[peaks out of his eyes and looks at Frank] Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!
[starts panicking at the kids scaring him off] UGH!!! NO, NO, NO!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! [grunts, kicks the movie projecter and cause them on fire and he's shocked in horror]
Bill Murphy
That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...
[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]
NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!
[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]
I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?
Bill Murphy
Okay. Can I still be your cop?
Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.
SMSusan Murphy
That's enough of your "poor me" bullshit!
SMSusan Murphy
Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...
Bill Murphy
Johnny Unitas that one time.
Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was Earl Morrall's fault! [getting angrier and louder] Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath, THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!
[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]
SMSusan Murphy
But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but we are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.
[furiously] IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!
[Megan starts crying]
SMSusan Murphy
Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter.
[quietly, ashamed over his tirade] Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head.
SMSusan Murphy
Nobody here is stopping you.
F Is for Family · 28 quotes
