Everybody Loves Raymond quotes

My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

Marie

Where do you want me to put this turkey?

Debra

I'll tell you where you can put it...

You want some yams?

No, I hate yams.

Ally

[dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?

Debra

Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.

Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Ally

Mommy, that man over there is smoking!

Narc!

Ally

Good morning, Mommy.

Debra

Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?

Ally

In the shower singing. He's terrible!

Debra

You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray

I know...did it have to be sex?

Marie

Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank

An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie

You're cheap.

Frank

Alright, I'm saving money.

Debra

Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

Ray

Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank

It's a real ball.

Marie

What's the matter?

Ray

Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra

Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie

You what?!?!

Ray

NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie

My own son, an atheist?!?!

Robert

Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray

There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert

No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

Debra

Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally

Santa?

Robert

Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray

Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert

I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

Frank

Where's Ally?

Frank

Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert

I'm Santa Claus.

Frank

You're Santa?

Ray

Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank

What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra

Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank

Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert

I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank

Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert

Now we know the truth.

Ally

It's Uncle Robert!

Robert

[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray

Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank

You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray

Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank

Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Marie

Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.

Frank

I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Frank

(chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

(grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank

(amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie

(mortified) Frank!

Frank

(equally mortified) Holy crap...

...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray

Wait, the man's name was Frank?

That's not important. What's important is...

Ray

Frank Barone?

You know Frank Barone?!

Ray

He's my father!

Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray

Yes!!!

You're absolved.

Ray

What?

Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray

Really?

Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.