Frank Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Debra

There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.

Frank

That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

Frank

Hello, ladies!

Ray

What are you doing here?

Frank

Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray

Oh god.

Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank

Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

Robert

Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank

Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Marie

You're giving him back that money!

Frank

Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.

Frank

AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Frank

You're not talking to me?

Marie

Nope.

Frank

[smiling] I just keep winning.

Ray

For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank

You're right. You're right.

Ray

What, what am I right about?

Frank

You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank

So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray

Not really.

Frank

[Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?

That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!

Frank

In many countries people eat cats.

Marie

Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank

An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie

You're cheap.

Frank

Alright, I'm saving money.

Ray

Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank

It's a real ball.

Robert

Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray

There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert

No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

Debra

Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally

Santa?

Robert

Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray

Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert

I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

Frank

Where's Ally?

Frank

Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert

I'm Santa Claus.

Frank

You're Santa?

Ray

Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank

What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra

Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank

Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert

I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank

Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert

Now we know the truth.

Ally

It's Uncle Robert!

Robert

[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray

Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank

You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray

Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank

Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Marie

Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.

Frank

I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Frank

(chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

(grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank

(amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie

(mortified) Frank!

Frank

(equally mortified) Holy crap...

Ray

So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert

(frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank

You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie