Frank Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank

Why do you think that is? Why do you think that is, Marie?!

Marie

I'm sleeping here tonight!

Frank

Good!

Marie

That was a wonderful brunch, you two. Lovely.

Ray

Ma.

Marie

It was a little much.

Debra

We just thought that you would enjoy a nice anniversary brunch.

Marie

We don't enjoy things, dear.

Frank

Guess why.

Ray

Alright, come on. We were supposed to be celebrating today, right?

Marie

This marriage is nothing to celebrate.

Ray

But 40 years. That's a big milestone. Think of all the good times.

Frank

I had one good year.

Ray

There you go.

Frank

The year I left your mother.

Ray

What?

Marie

Frank! The children!

Frank

What's the big secret? We split up for a year. I came back, didn't I?

Ray

Wait a minute what are you talking about?

Marie

We almost got divorced.

Ray

[In disbelief] What?

Frank

There's a sad word. Almost.

Marie

I suppose it can't hurt to tell you now. We seperated for a year. It was a terrible time.

Ray

Seperated? When? When was this?

Marie

It's not important dear. I have to go to the bathroom.

Ray

Well I wanna know [remembering the surprise party in the living room] No, wait wait WAIT!

Frank

Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray

What, like upset?

Frank

No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert

What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank

Ray.

Ray

Bang.

Frank

[yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

Frank

Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

Frank

See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray

Not if you're watching.

Debra

So it was just the once and then you got married?

Frank

It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!

Marie

Oh, Frank! No!

Frank

Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!

Ray

Dad. Others.

Marie

How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?

Robert

I teach traffic school, Ma.

Ray

Since When?

Robert

Since today. Lots of cops do it, y'know. Chance to earn a little spending money.

Frank

How about spending a little on rent?

Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.

Frank

They will if it was used by the pope! Hey you, are you catholic, you like hot soup?!

Robert

You hit my patrol car!

Frank

I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!

Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.

Robert

I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!

Debra

Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?

Robert

My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!

Frank

That car shouldn't have been there!

Robert

On the street?

Frank

(pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!

Robert

I can't do that, Dad!

Frank

Why not?

Robert

Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!

Frank

Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!

Robert

There is black and white on the side of your car!

Frank

(yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!

Robert

(yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)

Frank

FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"

Frank

Ray, I am going to give you the secret to marital bliss.

Marie

After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?

Frank

You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle! She was, like, demented!

Marie

That's not true!

Frank

You were always grabbin' at me!

Marie

I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby! I needed help getting up!

Frank

Nonetheless, did it bother me? No! Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person! I decided from that day on never to waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept that she's insane!

Robert

We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. (Frank begins to snore. Annoyed) Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to come out and say what's really bothering you and get it out in the open and deal with it, 'cause if there's one thing I've learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this: It's never just about the can opener.

Frank

Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.

Marie

(obviously Frank's hit a nerve) How could you mention that?

Frank

I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothin'.

Marie

I had every right to go nuts with you as a husband!

Frank

Don't go nuts. Just go.

Debra

(curious) Wait, wait , wait...What jar of fat? (Ray and Robert groan)

Marie

I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden-brown sausage. (aside) You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.

Frank

Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging!

Marie

That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!

Frank

That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

Marie

(yelling) You're selfish!

Frank

(yelling back) Fat collector!

Marie

Oh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you!

Debra

That's right!

Marie

Debra understands.

Frank

You wanted a thank-you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in, huh? (shouting) I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours, stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, AND IF I NEEDED COINS TO PAY THE TOLLS THAT GOT ME TO THAT JOB, THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT, THAT MADE THAT FAT, THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!

Marie

That's right, you don't care! You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you!

Frank

Hey, I don't have to care; that's your job. (Instant silence. Even Frank realizes that that might not have been the right thing to say. Robert tries to take a swig from the Pepto-Bismol bottle, only to find it's empty, so then he looks into it, then he sticks his pinky into the mouth of the bottle to try and get whatever's in there. He then takes it out and sucks on it desperately.)

Frank

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna pay anything. The wallpaper's fine.

Ray

I WANT IT THE SAME!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! EXACTLY, EXACTLY THE SAME!! AND I MEAN EXACTLY THE SAME!! YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A MAN SO FAR!

Debra

Hey, it's not that big of a deal. Calm down.

Ray

Traitor! [short pause] You-you can never talk to me about my parents again because in this case, you are the backer-downer.

Frank

[fixing the stairs] Stupid, humped-up termite trap! [the stairwell collapses, taking him with it] AAH!

Marie

Oh my God! Frank! Are you all right?

Frank

...Holy crap!

Marie

Don't move! I'm coming right down!

Frank

I'm in enough pain!

Debra

Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas?

Frank

Nevada!

Ray

(walks to kitchen door) Robert, ROBERT!

Robert

Yeah???

Ray

Do you have a moment?

Robert

Hey, what's up bro?

Ray

Well, Bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.

Robert

Yup. I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow. By 1:45, The Emperors Buffet at Caesar's Palace! Shrimp, Tacos, Waffles, and Turkey Legs!

Frank

And hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.

Debra

Wait a minute, Robert, are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas?

Robert

Well I can now, thanks to you (Pinches Debra on the cheek)

Debra

But you were eating Baloney Pie!

Marie

Debra, why would you make that for him?

Ray

We thought you would use that $1,000 to, I dont know, keep yourself alive!

Robert

What do you mean?

Ray

What do I mean? What about all of your problems and your bills?

Robert

You see I thought about that but those things will always. When else will I have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas?

Ray

That wasn't an extra $1,000.

Debra

Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.

Robert

Well my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.

Marie

Well if you need a vacation Robbie, you wanna know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate!

Frank

Yeah, you're gonna watch.

Debra Barone?

Debra Barone

Yep. (gets up from chair) Hi, How'd it go?

Mrs. Barone, are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?

Debra

(worried) What do you mean? Why?

Well, we're having some difficulty bringing him out of anesthesia.

Debra

What?

He should have been out by now. He's not responding. His blood pressure's dropped below a certain level...

Debra

Robert?

Robert Barone

What is it? What, Raymond?

What's happening?

Debra

He's not waking up.

Robert

Let me go in there. I'm his blood type.

Robert

[to nurse] No no no no listen to me, he is my brother! I can wake him up! RAYMOND!

Hi, are you the Barone's?

Robert

My brother's in there! RAYMOND!

He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes, it's a form of hypertension, but he's perfectly alright.

Debra

[through tears, to doctor] Thank you.

You can see him in a few minutes.

Debra

Oh, oh my god.

Robert

Oh, oh ok but he's fine.

Debra

Yes.

Robert

He said it went fine. It went good.

I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.

Debra

Now listen. What happened in there, (sternly) nobody tells Ray.

Frank Barone

Or his mother.