Debra Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra

Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

You what?!?!

NO, I didn't tell her.

My own son, an atheist?!?!

S1 E12 The Ball

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[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]

Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

There are now. Come on, Robert--

No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

[Ally walks in]

Debra

Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally

Santa?

Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]

Where's Ally?

[Frank notices Robert]

Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

I'm Santa Claus.

You're Santa?

Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra

Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Now we know the truth.

[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]

Ally

It's Uncle Robert!

[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

S1 E12 The Ball

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RRaymond

Did I say cinamum on the show?

Debra

No, that's only to remember for when we go to iHop.

S2 E1 Ray's on TV

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Debra

What are you supposed to do Ray, take away her naptime?

If she keeps misbehaving, we're taking away something that is important to her! What've you done?

S2 E2 Father Knows Least

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Debra

This is what I have to put up with--your mother coming over here and telling me that I should make myself available to you!

RRaymond

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust) Ewwwww! How sick is that?!

Debra

Very!

RRaymond

I'm thinking of my mother now!

Debra

(getting grossed-out herself) Ewwwwww!

RRaymond

Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?

Debra

Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!

RRaymond

You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!

Debra

Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.

RRaymond

Well, you're very good-looking!

S2 E5 Golf

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Debra

Come here, sign your parents anniversary card .

Oh look, a girl puppy nuzzling a boy puppy. Ray smiles. Well, youve captured them.

[Ray reads card aloud]

No bones about it, dog gone it, we love you

[hands card to Debra]

I'm sorry, I can't sign that.

Debra

Hey I have an idea. Why don't we send them the card you bought them!

Now I get it! I get it now. Dog gone it, cause there's dogs on it, very clever.

[Ray signs card]

I didn't see it at first, I see it now.

S2 E6 Anniversary

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[handing a half-used tube of ointment to Debra] Here's the ointment I borrowed.

Debra

Oh.

I dont know what happened to the applicator.

Debra

[handing the half-used tube of ointment back to Robert] You know what, keep it.

S2 E6 Anniversary

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That was a wonderful brunch, you two. Lovely.

Ma.

It was a little much.

Debra

We just thought that you would enjoy a nice anniversary brunch.

We don't enjoy things, dear.

Guess why.

Alright, come on. We were supposed to be celebrating today, right?

This marriage is nothing to celebrate.

But 40 years. That's a big milestone. Think of all the good times.

I had one good year.

There you go.

The year I left your mother.

What?

Frank! The children!

What's the big secret? We split up for a year. I came back, didn't I?

Wait a minute what are you talking about?

We almost got divorced.

[In disbelief] What?

There's a sad word. Almost.

I suppose it can't hurt to tell you now. We seperated for a year. It was a terrible time.

Seperated? When? When was this?

It's not important dear. I have to go to the bathroom.

Well I wanna know [remembering the surprise party in the living room] No, wait wait WAIT!

S2 E6 Anniversary

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Debra

Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.

RRaymond

Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)

Debra

(incredulous) A third checkbook?

RRaymond

Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.

Debra

What check did you bounce?

RRaymond

I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.

S2 E16 The Checkbook

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RRaymond

[gets kicked in the groin] Ooh!

Debra

What?! What's wrong? What happened?

RRaymond

You kicked me!

Debra

I did?

RRaymond

Oh...right in the garden of good and evil.

Debra

Honey, I'm sorry. What is--? [pulls the covers to reveal Ally in the bed] Oh. I think we found the kicker.

RRaymond

What is she doing in our bed again? It's every night. [still in pain] Good God, y'all.

Debra

Is there anything I can do?

RRaymond

You can learn to love half a man.

S2 E18 The Family Bed

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Debra

So it was just the once and then you got married?

It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!

Oh, Frank! No!

S2 E19 Good Girls

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You hit my patrol car!

I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!

RRaymond

Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.

I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!

Debra

Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?

My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!

That car shouldn't have been there!

On the street?

(pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!

I can't do that, Dad!

Why not?

Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!

Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!

There is black and white on the side of your car!

(yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!

(yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)

FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"

S3 E2 Driving Frank

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Debra

Why would you want to hear me complain about Ray?

Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

S4 E2 The Can Opener

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We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. (Frank begins to snore. Annoyed) Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to come out and say what's really bothering you and get it out in the open and deal with it, 'cause if there's one thing I've learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this: It's never just about the can opener.

Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.

(obviously Frank's hit a nerve) How could you mention that?

I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothin'.

I had every right to go nuts with you as a husband!

Don't go nuts. Just go.

Debra

(curious) Wait, wait , wait...What jar of fat? (Ray and Robert groan)

I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden-brown sausage. (aside) You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.

Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging!

That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!

That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

(yelling) You're selfish!

(yelling back) Fat collector!

Oh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you!

Debra

That's right!

Debra understands.

You wanted a thank-you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in, huh? (shouting) I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours, stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, AND IF I NEEDED COINS TO PAY THE TOLLS THAT GOT ME TO THAT JOB, THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT, THAT MADE THAT FAT, THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!

That's right, you don't care! You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you!

Hey, I don't have to care; that's your job. (Instant silence. Even Frank realizes that that might not have been the right thing to say. Robert tries to take a swig from the Pepto-Bismol bottle, only to find it's empty, so then he looks into it, then he sticks his pinky into the mouth of the bottle to try and get whatever's in there. He then takes it out and sucks on it desperately.)

S4 E2 The Can Opener

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Debra

Do you realize, in a group that includes your father, you're being the most insensitive?

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with Dad. He must be tired. C'mon, he's okay. Laughter's the best medicine, right? I'm keeping it loose, keeping it light.

Debra

How about keeping it shut?