DebraHey, you hungry?
Yeah, sure, I could always go for something.
Debra
(offering the plate of braciole to Andy) I made some braciole, taste it.
(trying to get out of it gracefully) Oh, you made...no, no, no, I'm actually--I'm in training, I'm in training for a running thing--
Debra
Come on...
No, no, really...And I've gone kosher. I'm in a Jewish marathon.
Debra
(insistent) Okay, try it, one bit? Just one bite... That's it, just one... (He does, and can only stare at her in shock.)
Debra
(happy) Really? You like it?
(he does) Oh, my God, it's fantastic! (He sits down at the table) Mmm, Debra! I don't know what Ray's talking about!
Debra
What do you mean, "talking about?"
Nothing, he was just trying to be funny at work.
Debra
Funny about what? Was he making fun of my braciole? (Andy suddenly realizes that he may have said too much)
No, he was not. (gets up quickly and turns to leave, but Debra corners him)
Debra
Wait, Andy, he told me he loved my braciole. What did he say to you about it?
(trying to change the subject) Did I ever show you how I can wiggle my ears? Look at this-- (He can't really)
Debra
(insistent) Andy, what did he say about the braciole?
I did not find it funny--
Debra
Andy!
He said it was Italian for roadkill! Please don't hurt me!
Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.
Debra
(trying to inject some cheer) Yeah, three more weeks.
Debra
(even more cheerful) No, listen...three more weeks!
Well, when you say it like that... Here, let me try. (with the same overdone optimism as Debra, but it sounds caustic from him) Bubonic plague!
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna pay anything. The wallpaper's fine.
I WANT IT THE SAME!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! EXACTLY, EXACTLY THE SAME!! AND I MEAN EXACTLY THE SAME!! YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A MAN SO FAR!
Debra
Hey, it's not that big of a deal. Calm down.
Traitor! [short pause] You-you can never talk to me about my parents again because in this case, you are the backer-downer.
RRaymond
[cutesy tone] Nothing but bills today, smelly tramp.
Debra
I know. We always get so much--. [Debra stops and stares at Ray in humiliation]
RRaymond
[after a long pause] Robert made me do it.
[audience laughs offscreen]
Debra
Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas?
(walks to kitchen door) Robert, ROBERT!
Ray (To Debra): Can you believe this?
Robert walks into the kitchen
Well, Bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.
Yup. I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow. By 1:45, The Emperors Buffet at Caesar's Palace! Shrimp, Tacos, Waffles, and Turkey Legs!
And hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.
Debra
Wait a minute, Robert, are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas?
Well I can now, thanks to you (Pinches Debra on the cheek)
Debra
But you were eating Baloney Pie!
Debra, why would you make that for him?
We thought you would use that $1,000 to, I dont know, keep yourself alive!
What do I mean? What about all of your problems and your bills?
You see I thought about that but those things will always. When else will I have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas?
That wasn't an extra $1,000.
Debra
Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.
Well my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.
Well if you need a vacation Robbie, you wanna know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate!
Yeah, you're gonna watch.
(Amy comes into the kitchen in a panic)
AAmy
(hysterical, to Robert) What did you do?
(not understanding what's going on) What do you mean?
AAmy
What did you do? The invitations! (She hands Robert one of the offending invitations) My Aunt Lynn got this in the mail! What did you do?"
(panicking himself) Oh, my God! This was in the mail?!
Nothing. Nothing. This wasn't supposed to go out.
Debra
(taking the invitation from Robert) Wait a minute, what's the problem? (She finds it, and is equally aghast.) Oh, my God!
AAmy
I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because I heard someone screaming, and then I realized it was me!!!
The wedding planner lady was supposed to print it out and you were supposed to look it over--
AAmy
She said you said "send it out"!
AAmy
Well, she sent it out!
(truly hysterical) OH, MY GOD!!! (Marie comes in, holding an invitation)
(hysterical) AMY!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
AAmy
(matching their hysteria) I KNOW!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
What happened to it? (Amy points accusingly at Robert)
AAmy
Robert! Robert happened to it!
(feebly) It wasn't supposed to go out! (Amy goes over and thrusts the invitation at Robert.)
AAmy
Look at this! Hank N' Pat? N' Pat? They're not hillbillies, Robert! Hank 'N Pat McDougal request the honor of your "presents"--
Debra
Robert, you spelled "presence" like gifts!
(quietly) It wasn't supposed to go out!
AAmy
You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth, not the sixth! People are going to be showing up three days early!
Debra
And what is this: Attire optional?!
AAmy
It's black tie optional! Attire optional means "maybe naked!" (The horror of it just never ends...) There's going to be nude people! At the church! On a Wednesday!!
(quietly strained) It wasn't supposed to go out!
Debra
Ball barely made it to where my shadow was.
'Cause you got me all nuts. [makes the putt on his second try] Can't even make a freaking putt.
Debra
I don't think it's your putter's fault, Ray.
You're right. It's not the putter.
Debra
What?
Ray [walks angrily toward Debra]: It's you.
Debra
Excuse me?
Debra Barone
Yep. (gets up from chair) Hi, How'd it go?
NNurse
Mrs. Barone, are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?
Debra
(worried) What do you mean? Why?
NNurse
Well, we're having some difficulty bringing him out of anesthesia.
Debra
What?
NNurse
He should have been out by now. He's not responding. His blood pressure's dropped below a certain level...
Debra
Robert?
What is it? What, Raymond?
ABAmy Barone
What's happening?
Debra
He's not waking up.
Let me go in there. I'm his blood type.
[to nurse] No no no no listen to me, he is my brother! I can wake him up! RAYMOND!
Robert storms towards operating room doors
DDoctor
Hi, are you the Barone's?
My brother's in there! RAYMOND!
DDoctor
He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes, it's a form of hypertension, but he's perfectly alright.
Debra
[through tears, to doctor] Thank you.
DDoctor
You can see him in a few minutes.
Debra
Oh, oh my god.
Debra
Yes.
He said it went fine. It went good.
AAmy
I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.
Debra
Now listen. What happened in there, (sternly) nobody tells Ray.
Everybody Loves Raymond · 126 quotes
