[to Carol, about Ed] There goes one inspirational bastard.
S1Something Old, Something New
[about the plans for the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving dinner] I've got my money on grease fire.
[to Ed] I can never decide whether you're totally adorable or totally creepy.
S1The Whole Truth
[to Carol] I'll be in the van.
Take my hand, Dr. Burton. Feel it. What was once a limber, supple instrument of healing now grows withered, leathery and stiff.
[to Carol, about Ed] Is this guy bothering you? Say the word and I'll throw down.
S1Your Life Is Now
TMTroy McCallum
[to Ed and Carol] Beer always tastes better in Stuckeyville.
[to Ed] What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?
S1Losing Streak
[to girls' JV basketball team] We are going to take turns bouncing the ball... and whoever bounces the ball the highest wins a Fruit Roll-up.
Oh Carol, I know about your attraction to me... let's just stop torturing ourselves, and let's start doin' it already!
[to Phil] I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins.
S1Opposites Distract
[to Ed, about laugh tracks] Can't do comedy without one. People need to be told when to laugh.
[to Ed] Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
A big, strong guy.
What if the invisible fat guy has a whip?
Is it an invisible whip?
This is the worst episode of the McLaughlin group ever.
S1Hook, Line, and Sinker
Stuckeyville... the place where broken hearts go to mend.
[to Carol, at her birthday party] Didn't you wish for a deep, long, soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ed pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.