Launchpad McQuack quotes from DuckTales (2017)

Launchpad

Hey, if those are mummies, I'd hate to see daddies. Am I right?

Launchpad

I always say, better safe than... whatever the opposite of safe is. Yeah. I do say that.

Launchpad

This lake will be used for the swimming portion of the competition.

Launchpad

Pad. Launchpad. McQuack. My name is Launchpad McQuack.

Scrooge

Launchpad, have you ever piloted a sub before?

Launchpad

I sunk a helicopter in a wave pool once. Same thing?

Scrooge

[sigh] I've done more with less. No matter, I'm back! Unchartered territory. Bold new discoveries!

Huey

Hello, bingo! I love road trips! I've got snacks, a playlist of traditional sea chanties, matching family road trip shirts!

Scrooge

I appreciate the enthusiasm, but there's no time.

Huey

But according to the travel itinerary--

Dewey

[pops up and rips up the itinerary] Boo! Adventure isn't about planning, it's about doing!

Webby

[when Beakley, Launchpad, Dewey, and Louie find them] Granny?

Launchpad

Ahhhhh! Those are moles!

Dewey

Launchpad, it's just the guys.

Launchpad

You would say that. [to himself] Have there always been three of them?

Webby

[nervously] I can explain.

Beakley

You're all in big trouble. [gestures to Lena] I assume this was your idea.

Lena

[scoffs] Sure, blame the mysterious rebel playing by her own rules.

Beakley

No back talk! You made me come all the way down here, drag two more children and one man-child right into danger.

Launchpad

Man-child? Where? [shudders] Easy, LP. Easy. One monster at a time.

Lena

Aren't you supposed to be crazy adventure family? This is like an afternoon field trip for you people.

Beakley

Well, there won't be anymore afternoon field trips for you. I can assure you that.

Dewey

Launchpad, do you think I'm a mole monster?

Launchpad

Whaaaat? No, no. [to himself] Can't believe my best friend is a mole monster.

Dewey

I'm your best friend?

Launchpad

[to himself] Oh no, it can hear my thoughts. Keep it together, Launchpad. Gotta change the subject somehow. [to Dewey] Hey, you know what we should talk about? Another subject.

Dewey

Sure.

Launchpad

[to himself] He doesn't suspect a thing.

Launchpad

Ahhh! Back, mole monster! You can't take me too! Mr. McDee won't give me the time off!

Dewey

Launchpad, it's me. Dewey! [Launchpad remains scared] Your best friend?

Launchpad

They could be anyone. They are everywhere!

Dewey

Yes, anyone could be a mole monster, in the movie! This is real life.

Launchpad

Classic mole monster saying he's "not" a mole monster.

Dewey

Ugh! By that logic, how do you know you're not a mole monster?

Launchpad

'Cause I'm not! ... Which is exactly what a mole monster would say. Wait... am I a mole monster? But I'm a good guy. Then that means mole monsters can also be good guys! [grabs Dewey] Come, mole brother! This is a new day for our people! We will show the world that we can be good!

Scrooge

We leave for the temple in an hour. Launchpad, I won't wait another 50 years to hear that cricket sing.

Launchpad

Sure thing, Mr. McD. I was just going to swing over and visit an old girlfriend from these parts. See, she's had some problems with the local crime family, and…

Scrooge

Yes, fine, whatever. One hour.

Launchpad

I'm coming for you, Ziyi.

Scrooge

Isn't there some way you can help us?

[chuckles] I suppose we could just rise up against the all powerful Toth-Ra, bringer of the golden sun. [the followers laugh]

Huey

Yes, that! Do that!

Why? We've got food, water, fresh bandages in lieu of pay, a kind and merciful god-king. What's the outside got that we don't?

Scrooge

Toth-Ra has got you working night and day, while you barely got enough to scrape by.

Huey

He doesn't bring you the sun, he keeps it from you!

Sorry, it's just not our way.

Scrooge

Don't you want to feel the sun on your face?

[the followers shrug] Meh.

Scrooge

The wind in your hair?

Not really.

Scrooge

Don't you want freedom? Or glory? Or- [Launchpad bites into a burrito] Launchpad!

Launchpad

Oh, sorry. I didn't want my belly to grumble and interrupt your big speech. Like I am right now. [takes another bite]

Scrooge

It's bad enough you goof around during the greatest archeological find of our time, but... [realizes the Followers of Toth-Ra are mesmerized by the burrito]

Ohhh, what is that?

Launchpad

Oh, this burrito? Just rice, beans, cheese, your choice of meat, wrapped in a delicious tortilla. [the followers taste the burrito] Mmmm mmmm mmm, delicious!

Where do we get this bo-rrito?

Scrooge

Outside where freedom is!

Bo-rritos are outside?

We must have bo-rritos!

Rise up against the mighty Toth-Ra!

Scrooge

Seriously? That's what- oh, never mind. Let's break into the temple!

Launchpad

First the ice fever takes your vision. Then it makes you feel all warm and toasty, even though you're freezing to death. Then it makes your limbs all heavy.

Scrooge

Ah, it's just a bit nippy. How did you afford all that gear anyway?

Launchpad

Louie put it on his corporate credit card.

Scrooge

Louie doesn't have a corporate credit card.

Launchpad

Oh. Louie gave me your credit card.

Launchpad

[holds up two shirts with mustard and ketchup stains] Big day, Dewey. Mustard stain or ketchup stain?

Dewey

Mustard. Looks less like blood. What is this weird show?

Launchpad

Whoa, what? Darkwing Duck? The greatest TV show of all time?

Dewey

Ha! Maybe when you were a kid. This hero guy doesn't shoot lasers or anything.

Launchpad

That hero guy is Jim Starling. He was an old-school actor who did all his own stunts. Sure, he got a little banged up in later seasons.

Darkwing

Keep rolling.

Launchpad

But that just made him even more heroic.

Dewey

Why didn't he just use CGI?

Launchpad

[chuckles] Real heroes don't need high-tech special effects or basic safety precautions. So, how do I look? [Dewey gives him a thumbs-up; they get in the limo] Remember, Dewey, a true hero thinks with his gut or not at all. [to his Darkwing bobblehead] Right, D.W.?

Let's get dangerous.

Dewey

What's the special occasion, anyway?

Launchpad

I finally got my driver's license!

Dewey

Uh, wait, what?

Dewey

How have you been a driver without a driver's license?

Launchpad

Hey, come on. I've got a pilot's license, don't I? [realizes] Wait, don't I?

Dewey

Ugh. Aren't you worried Scrooge will find out?

Launchpad

You kidding? I had them mail the license straight to him so he'd be first to know. [tears up] Ah, he's gonna be so proud of me. [chuckles] Wow.

Dewey

The Bin, The Bin, The Bin! Slow down!

Launchpad

[hits the breaks and the limo spins around and stops in a parking spot] I bet Mr. McD's got some kind of party planned for my big day. Wouldn't want to ruin the… [enters Scrooge's office] Surprise! [the office is empty] Huh. [bursts into the meeting room] Surprise! [the meeting room is also empty; opens a janitor's closet] Supplies? Boy he's really getting my hopes up. The payoff is gonna be amazing.

Gyro

Intern, try to think.

Fenton Crackshell

But that's all I do all the time.

Gyro

Well, do it better.

Launchpad

Eh, you probably couldn't fit a driver in that tiny train anyway. Uh, say, speaking of drivers…

Scrooge

Gyro, the board needs results. Ever since Bulb Tech backfired, you need an invention that, well…

Dewey

Won't turn evil and kill us all.

Gyro

Due respect, sir, innovation doesn't work that way. I can't just wake up one morning and say…

Dewey

How about a self-driving robot car?

Launchpad

A what now?

Gyro

Too many variables. A self driving robot car would turn evil like that. Nobody could…

Dewey

Well, Mark Beaks did. He just posted that he's having a demo later today.

Gyro

What?! That hack couldn't even program a microwave. We'll see about this.

Launchpad

Okay, cool. I'll just tell you my big news later.

Scrooge

Launchpad, I almost forgot.

Launchpad

Yeah?

Scrooge

Stop having mail delivered to my office. That's for incoming checks and death threats only.

Launchpad

Can you program a robot to brave the unknown and laugh at danger?

Beaks

Yes.

Launchpad

Can a robot greet you with a kind word at the end of a long day?

Beaks

Yes.

That's a nice. Gray. Cardigan. Mr. Beaks. You are. Killing. It. Today.

Launchpad

Yeah, well, can a robot pull you from the wreckage of a crash with a reassuring smile that tells you everything's gonna be okay?

Beaks

Well, no, because it can't crash.

Launchpad

Wait, what now? I'm sorry, what was that?