Xandir quotes from Drawn Together

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured! My therapist made me realize that it's not my fault my parents are dead. I couldn't have stopped Zebulon from crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet Zebulon? Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, Captain Tardo.

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Foxxy?

Zebulon is a triving planet with a booming economy.

Huh, yeah right. [snort] As if.

We order Zebulonese takeout food all the time. You love the deep fried Zebulonads.

I never put the two together.

Spanky

Don't you remember? We went to Zebulon for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted the whole time!

Xandir

Plus, we're stealing out cable from Zebulon.

Okay, okay! I get it!

Spanky

How else could we watch Everybody Loves Zorgleblat? Man, I hate that Patricia Hetenglab, what a clexblunt.

Well then, if Zebulon didn't blow up, that would mean...my parents are still alive...oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

Xandir

What is it, doc?

My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

No.

What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!

Neither!

Ooh! The ghostes! They's after me! Feets don't fail me now! [she runs onto a door and falls] Ooh!

Xandir

What the fuck was that?

By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death.

Xandir

Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?

It was that time of the month.

Xandir

That doesn't really--

WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!

Xandir

Toot, where the hell you think you're going?

[carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completely run out of medicine.

Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up!

Xandir

She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.

Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter the Circle of Fire? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]

Xandir

Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.

[impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!

Xandir

You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.

Hey, Xandir, I just got this new wind-up duckie! Its feet actually paddle through the water!

Xandir

Let's try it out in the bathtub! [they run up to the bathroom to find Toot about to put a toaster in the water] Why are you killing yourself this time, Toot?

It's my birthday and no one remembered. I'm fat, old, ugly, and everyone hates me!

Hmmm...maybe people hate you because you won't get out their bathtubs when they want to play with their duckies!

Xandir

Hey, Hero, I was thinking, we should throw Toot a surprise birthday.

If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I'VE been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!

Captain Hero, fan rumor has it that your relationship with Xandir has continued since the show ended.

Oh, you got it all wrong, habibe. Xandir had an affair with Tim Tommerson, not me. [everyone laughs] Fine, I'll prove it. Tim!

Xandir

Oh my God, Tim! I thought you loved me!

Why would he love you when he could have all this? [Rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles]

You have something to say?

Those ain't real! Check these out! [flashes her breasts]

We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?

Sir, never, sir!

And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]

Xandir

Sir, yes, sir!

And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!

Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!

[Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

Hero, can we talk?

Xandir

He has nothing to say to you!

Shut up, Xandir. Can't you have one pair of lips that isn't always flapping in the wind?

I understand if you hate me. But I still think about you...a lot.

Gah, you miss the crashes. That's what you miss.

Sure, they were fun. But people being horribly maimed and disfigured means nothing, if I can't share it with you. Maybe we can give it one more shot, and cause a different kind of crash...between our hearts.

[offscreen] Boo!

[offscreen] Sir, please come with me.

[offscreen] What?! I didn't do anything!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] I can boo if I want, it's a free country-- [getting handcuffed] Get off me!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] You leave me alone! [getting electrocuted by a taser, screaming]

Think about it, Hero. [Dresses up as Waldo from Where's Waldo by putting on a red and white striped shirt, red and white pom pom hat and round glasses] You know where to find me. [Disappears into the crowd]

Hello?

Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?

Who wants to know?

I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.

Captain Hero? Oh no!

Oh no, what?

I am your...sister.

Xandir

Of course she is.

Xandir

Hero, using assault rifles and armour-piercing bullets to hunt? Don't you think that's a bit excessive?

Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons anyway I please, and nothing is going to change my mind.

You killed my mother!

Sucks to be you!

[In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! And if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.

Captain Hero, you got to stop that meteor!

Can't you see I'm already one knuckle deep into fifth base?

Shoo! [he pushes Foxxy]

That's it! [in microphone] Hold up, everybody! Now I know y'all think Captain Hero is real cool.

But he ain't.

I don't know what I was thinking. I fooled y'all into thinking Hero was cool by pretending to be his girlfriend so he would stop that meteor!

Wait! I can explain!

Oh, really? Then explain this now. [tears off Hero's Lando costume]

Spanky? Clara? Steve from Long Island? [goes over to Xandir and Wooldoor] Oh, hey, man. You were right. The cool kids are assholes.

Xandir

You shit on my house, man.

I know, I know.

Xandir

You shit on my house!

Yeah, you said that already.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

It's a doosie of a word.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Have some booze and lay a turd in public view.

Why the hell not?

No need to give a flying fuck about what anyone else might say.

My toilet is a tire teens set me on fire and you're off the grid and the tin foil hat blocks the government from accessing the chip in your brain.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Every dumpster is a smorgasbord.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

The mean streets are your room and board.

The world's your oyster that we know.

Xandir

When you take up the life of a derelict hobo.

Living on the easy streets where the Free Masons can't detect you.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Xandir

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been fucking with?

Xandir

Um, yeah, you mean you?

Yes. It turns out he's unstable! [suddenly enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!

Xandir

Because you're talking to me.

[sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...