Rube quotes from Dead Like Me

Rube

[gesturing at his plate] What fresh hell is this?

Corned beef hash and eggs.

Rube

Corned beef hash, I speak not only for myself but aficionados of the dish, is to be fried, with a crisp exterior. This is...I don't know what this is. I'm flummoxed.

Daisy

It doesn't look good.

Rube

I do not say this phrase lightly, in this hallowed place: This is fucking inedible.

Rube

What a gorgeous dog.

George

Isn't she?

Mason

Is it a golden?

George

Yes! She is.

Mason

What's its name?

George

J. D.

Rube

J. D.'s a male.

George

Yes, she is.

Mason

Why you callin' him a she is he's a he?

George

Because dogs are referred to in the feminine.

Rube

In the way some guy would talk about a car?

George

Exactly.

Rube

As in, she's got eight under the hood, she gets twenty to the gallon?

George

... Sure.

Rube

Actually, you refer to dogs by their sex. As in, here boy, down girl.

Rube

You need to fix it.

Roxy

He put his hands on me.

Rube

Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.

Roxy

I didn't think he'd turn into a nutball.

Rube

Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.

Roxy

I wouldn't be making up words and shit.

Rube

He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happen to him. Now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.

Roxy

Well what do you want me to do?

Rube

It's about restoring the status quo, the guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again, without first having a post-it, I'm gonna break this pipe off in your ass.

Daisy

Georgia! Are you wearing a fragrance this morning?

George

It's orange juice. I hate the bus.

Rube

Public transportation is the great equalizer.

George

I don't wanna be equal. Fuck equal.

Mason

Steal a car.

Daisy

What about a bicycle? I once had Dorothy's original bike from The Wizard of Oz. I knew someone from the props department.

Mason

Don't you mean you blew somebody in the props department?

Daisy

Knew, blew, tomato, tomahto. Once baby Judy died, I didn't want to ride it anymore, so I sold at an auction.

Rube

Speakin' of death, let's get to work. (Hands out post-its.)

Rube

Mason, please write legibly. There were complaints last year.

Mason

Well, that's ridiculous. I always had high marks for penmanship.

Rube

Seriously, I saw the thing. You write like you speak. I could barely understand a word.

Mason

Oh, you know what? In all honesty, I was, like, on something when I filled out my form last year.

Rube

Are you on something tonight?

Mason

No.

Roxy

For real?

Mason

[grinning] Well, a little bit.

George

[To Rube] It's 3851 Beatrice Lane!

Rube

It's not your post-it.

George

That's my old house! That's where my family is!

Rube

I'm aware.

George

Wha- who is it?!

Rube

It's not your post-it. There are rules, Georgia.

George

What is going to happen in my driveway?

Rube

It's not your driveway anymore.

George

You know what I mean.

Rube

I do. It's not your driveway anyway.

George

Well, then. I'm coming with you.

Rube

That's not going to happen.

George

Someone dies, at my house, and you don't tell me about it?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

George

You have a problem with me?

Rube

Yes, ma'am, I do. And one thing you should know about me by now, I am a problem solver.

George

How do I put this delicately?

Rube

[To the test-takers] Does this concern you? [To George] Try and choose your words carefully.

George

Blow me.

Rube

If you stand too close to a painting — all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can't see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective and if you ask me—-

George

I'm a little too close.

George

You can't smoke in here.

Rube

Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.

Mason

Nah, five deaths is not a disaster.

George

How many deaths is a disaster?

Mason

More than five. Five's bullshit.

George

How many?

Mason

16 to 20, disaster; 21 and up, catastrophe; 8 to 15 is a calamity.

Rube

7 and under?

Mason

That's a cryin' shame.

Mason

Are you going to finish those hashbrowns?

Roxy

Probably not.

Mason

Fucking bloody hell.

Roxy

I'm outta here.

Mason

Did you see that? I mean just because I wanted some of her hashbrowns.

Rube

I was there.

Mason

I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.

Rube

Oh, that was almost clever.

Mason

What was almost clever, Rube?

Rube

The thing about the hashbrowns being small potatoes.

Mason

I don't get it...because hashbrowns are small potatoes.

Rube

Never mind.

Rube

You know why people play the shell game?

Mason

Because they think they can beat the odds.

Rube

Wrong. They think they can beat you. They think they're smarter than you. [pause] In this case, they're right.

Mason

I'm smarter than you think.

Rube

You smart enough to play stupid?

Mason

I am so smart, I'm practically retarded.

Daisy

You do that, you know. You withhold the love.

Rube

How can I withhold that which I do not possess?

Rube

Afternoon, ladies. Are you two old friends?

Eh, her daughter is in my son's class.

Rube

I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?

Excuse me?

Rube

Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?

Uhm. No?

Rube

So it's just you then.

I have children in the car.

Rube

I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter. She's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that — it's shameful.

Rube

Hey! How'd it go?

Mason

G-R-E-A-T.

George

It was a spelling bee.

Rube

[to Mason] Seriously, how'd it go?

Mason

F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.

Rube

How do I get it to stop?

Mason

Well, go on, Georgie, tell him.

George

Well, as far as senseless, brutal deaths go, I say it went beautifully.

Mason

Yeah! So maybe a little simple "thank you" is in order, instead of your constant irritation, Ruby. Maybe a little bit of G-R-A-T… uh… t… i-i-tude, tude.

Rube

For you, and you.

Mason

Where's Roxy?

Rube

She has got a personal day.

Mason

Well, why don't I have a personal day?

Rube

Because you're an F-U-C-K-U-P.

Mason

"Fuck up" has two words.

George

Actually, "fuck-up" is a hyphenate.

George

Well, it is!