[Larry checks the Chinese take out]
This isn't our food.
Did you check the order before you left?
Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.
S2 E4The Shrimp Incident
How were the garlic noodles the other night?
AWAlan Wasserman
What?
The garlic noodles?
AWAlan Wasserman
I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
AWAlan Wasserman
Right.
But you did touch the shrimp.
How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!
S2 E5The Thong
So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.
Big family?
JJohn
Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
You ever catch your parents having sex?
JJohn
No...
Me either.
JJohn
Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."
S2 E6The Acupuncturist
I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
No, I don't think so.
Yes, I think so, my friend.
I'm just nice. You have nice/pussy confusion.
S2 E7The Doll
Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!
Excuse me.
AAmy
Yeah?
Do you work here?
AAmy
No.
How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
AAmy
I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
AAmy
It's the rules!
Rules?
AAmy
The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
AAmy
Who are you that the rules don't apply?
I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
AAmy
I don't think the golden rule applies here.
If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
AAmy
How about common courtesy, bud?
Oh?
AAmy
A little common courtesy.
That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.
So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?
Uhmm...
No.
Well, I do wanna go to part two.
No.
You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
We've already made plans.
We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.
See this thing?
TTara
Uh-huh.
It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
TTara
Mm-hm.
You heard of Switzerland?
TTara
Um, yeah.
It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
TTara
Huh.
They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!
You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"
TTara
Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.