Jim Brass quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Nick

And what makes you so sure that Dana would go to this guy Bruce anyway?

Drops

If Dana's on the run, she's gonna need some on the run money, let's say Zigzag, handles certain aspects of my finances.

Brass

What? Like laundering the street fig?

Drops

No, actually my 401k. Why you always tossin' the pimp card at me, man? I guess to you a black man in a suit is a pimp.

Brass

Aw, did I hurt your feelings?

(about his girlfriend taking his pepper spray) But she dances nights at the Acid Strip.

Nick

(chuckles) What, does she clip the can to her g-string?

Brass

That'd be a deterrent to stuffing a tip in there, wouldn't it?

Brass

(about Annabelle) Y'know, it's a tragic coincidence that she died two days after you qualified for half of what she's worth.

Really? I thought that was the bright side.

I know that you and Warrick were close, and I don't want you to think that I had it in for the guy.

Brass

Why would I think that, Jeff?

I don't know... Maybe I'm feelin' guilty. I thought Brown was a bad apple. I was certain that he killed Gedda. And I was wrong. I know it's a little late for apologies but I-I... I just wanted to tell 'ya.

Brass

Hey, we all have regrets. I thought he killed Gedda, too. You know what the last thing that I told him was?

No.

Brass

"I hope you remember how lucky you are." Some luck, huh?

Thanks.

Grissom

There's no way that McKeen could've heard those shots. So why did he say that he did? He also implied that he saw Pritchard running away from Warrick's car.

Brass

But he never said that it was Pritchard.

Grissom

He led us to believe that though.

Brass

[sighs] You know when I first came to Vegas over twenty years ago... I haven't thought about this in a while, Jeff McKeen was a detective then. He invited us all to Mt. Charleston to his cabin, you know, all the new guys, have a barbeque, cook some steaks, have a few drinks, get to know each other, you know?. And it was a nice place, you know, but not too nice for detective pay. I mean, my radar's already up I came from Jersey, you know, guys took more than they gave, and they made it an art form, how not to push it, how not to make it showy, you know. Anyway, Jeff is sizing me up, he's sniffing around, he's telling me how great Vegas is, how great it'd be for my career... But I let him know, without bustin' his balls that I wasn't in a game, I wasn't for sale and it's a good thing that I took a look around up there at Mt. Charleston because I never got invited again, no more barbeques for me.

Grissom

First witness at the scene is the first suspect, right?

Brass

Right.

Grissom

When I told Warrick that Pritchard had framed him, he said that Gedda's mole had to have been higher up on the food chain. If I were McKeen I would worry that Warrick would never let it go.

Brass

Let's say that McKeen saw the interview video. The time that Warrick left the PD to the time that Warrick got killed was like an hour, hour and a half. Is that enough time to frame Pritchard? For all we know Pritchard's not even in Vegas.

Grissom

Yeah, but if Pritchard gets picked up somewhere else, that gives him an alibi, and McKeen is screwed.

Brass

Unless he knows exactly where Pritchard is.

Okay, you wanna know why I did it? Warrick had a big mouth. You know, I just shot him. I'd try to warn him, but he was just too stupid to listen. You know, when I shot him, he had a big smile on his face. I told him that he could keep his job, I didn't have the heart to fire him. [laughs]

Nick

Shut up.

You were his friend. What kinda friend are you?! Shoot me, you son of a bitch! [[Nick is shaking, screen shows Brass running though the woods, Brass hears a shot and runs over to Nick, who is stand over McKeen]

Brass

Nick...

Nick

McKeen has a gunshot wound to the stomach, he's lost a lot of blood, we should get the Med-Evac helicopter here ASAP.

Brass

What was that shot?

Nick

A miss.

Brass

Do you know Carla Perotti?

Jerzy

Who?

Brass

Carla Perotti!

Jerzy

Oh, yeah. She was one of my models, she's a lovely girl. [looks at the picture] That's a cheap imitation of my work.

Brass

Well, you have to take it up with the coroner because she's dead for real.

Brass

Maybe you, uh, maybe you bumped into him at a grocery store or something.

Jerzy

I don't go out. I don't shop. I don't bump.

Brass

But you do paint dead people.

Jerzy

I paint people who look dead, and you would weep if you knew how much I make doing that. If you haven't noticed our culture seems to be obsessed with sex and death.

Brass

I've noticed.

Jerzy

I'm gonna save you some time because I know what's on your mind. I don't kill my models. I don't even bang them much anymore, occasionally, of course, but I find not with same gusto and verve with as the days go by.

Brass

You bang Carla Perotti?

Jerzy

I'm not doing women.

Brass

You mind if I look around?

Jerzy

I'd like to paint you in the nude.

Brass

I don't do nude. Where would I pin the badge?

Jerzy

Exactly.

Brass

He's ready to talk but only to someone who understands his work. I'm ready to slap him around, but I figured you could show some restraint.

Grissom

I'll try.

One of my video analysts caught news of your double in Koreatown and recognized the male vic while scanning one of our video feeds from a unrelated shoplifting investigation.

Brass

Wow.

Catherine

Video analyst?

Yeah, why what do you call 'em?

Brass

I just got faxed Sung Bang's prison record, and there's something weird on his personal release form. Listen to this, the guy left prison with a 9mm.

Grissom

They let him out of jail with a gun?

Brass

Well, it's only a misdemeanor, y'know, it's like a hotel, you get back what you checked in.

Grissom

So, you can go out and commit a felony?

Brass

Apparently.

Grissom

The kid shot his mother for shooting his uncle.

Brass

So you think Jin had nothing to do with it?

Grissom

Not the shooting.

Brass

Well, it makes sense. His uncle was trying to protect him and his mother was torturing him.

Grissom

Park never controlled anything in his life till he fired that gun.

Brass

An HIV-positive eight-year-old. No wonder no-one wanted to talk. Juvie may be the best thing for him. He'll get the care he needs there.

Grissom

Yeah. I'm sorry we solved this. I really am.

Do you always keep tabs on your wife?

Brass

Yeah, that's why I'm divorced.

Agent Stanley, would you give us a moment alone? Please.

Brass

How long have you two been working together?

Feels like forever.

Let me get this straight. You guys bust my company for selling roits, give everybody else a chance to plead out for easy time so the DA can make an example out of me because I'm, me personally, I'm corrupting the very fabric of American sports. You ruined my life, and now you want me to help you?

Brass

That pretty much sums it up, yeah.

Screw you.