Jim Brass quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

The best taco I've ever had.

Grissom

I'm happy for you both.

Brass

What, you'd piss of Ecklie again? This is a hit-and-run, I was expecting Greg Sanders.

L.A. over 200 criminalists and you gotta bring your own guy in?

Brass

Well, Rick is like a vampire, he needs to be invited in.

If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.

Warrick

Well, you got beaches, bikinis. Free trip to L.A. ? I'm down.

Brass

We need to get a warrant, get into that house.

Yeah, well we don't have enough.

Brass

Enough for a city attorney?

You know give me a break. Do you know how many cars get jacked in LA every day? He admitted to being with the prostitute, what makes you think he's not telling the truth about the rest?

Brass

He's hinky, I can feel it.

Your gut can talk to my judge. Better yet, talk to Ellie. You should, you should get the 411 on Dakota from her.

Brass

There's an unreliable witness. So what do we do now?

We eat steak.

Brass

Hey Doc, did you get my fax?

Al Robbins

Yeah I did.

Brass

Yeah, well, it's all Greek to me. Can you help me out?

Al Robbins

Sure, of course, but I thought you were asked to come home.

Brass

I'll be home tomorrow.

Al Robbins

Well, I hope she was worth it.

Brass

What do you mean?

Al Robbins

Well I don't know, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.

Brass

What are you a detective now?

Brass

I;m going to get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where'd you get that package bud?

I'd like to advise my client, careful how you answer that son, this man here's slicker than a snake in the green grass.

Brass

Let me tell you my story. Once upon a time, you follow your husband to a trailer park. You see him slumming with his little trailer bunny. You waited for him to come out...

Brass

When she pulls the body back in, before she can call for help, you torch the place. Kaboom. The end.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard

Grissom

The Orionid meteor shower. You never get a view like this in town.

Brass

Hmm. So, uh, is this part of the investigation?

Grissom

No. But we're here, and it's beautiful.

Brass

We've been pulling bodies out of this neighborhood twice a month it seems like.

Grissom

I think that's actually an improvement.

Cheap, fast and open 24/7

Brass

Just like my ex-wife.

I got more enemies than some countries got people.

Brass

Give us some names.

It's gonna be a long list.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You let one of the members of your team drive his personal vehicle to a crime scene investigation, and even though there was a perfectly good crime scene vehicle there that personal car was crammed with every bit of evidence collected at a major murder investigation because two of you were maxed out on overtime. (Sara smirks and looks towards Greg who looks at the ground) And then the driver of said car, instead of securing that evidence in the lab, gave priority to his need for runny eggs, and the aforementioned vehicle was stolen from the parking lot filled with police cars. (Brass raises his eyebrows) Is there anything I missed?

Grissom

Just this: Even if we recover the vehicle, the chain of custody has been broken, so all the evidence has been compromised. No judge will allow any of it to be admitted into court. Oh, and also, we released the crime scene, so it too has been compromised, leaving us nothing to go back for.

Thank you for clearing up the situation. (leaves)

Brass

It could have been worse. (shows Undersheriff McKeen leaving in his car, knocking down all the construction cones and speeding off)

Brass

So you didn't kill her?

Nope, but you better check to see she's really dead, because I don't think you can kill the Devil.

Brass

Is it bigger sin to lie if you're a priest?

Grissom

I hope so.

Hear you got one of the fastest growing murder rates in the country.

Jim Brass

Yeah, we're very competitive. Is that a Philly accent I hear?

Trenton, born and bred.

Jim Brass

My condolences. I'm from Newark.

Brass

So, when was the last time you saw the deceased?

It was like an hour ago when the, they took him away on the girder.

Brass

No, I, uh, you know I meant the last time you saw him alive.