Jim Brass quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Warrick

What do you think, Grissom? Been down here at least 3 years? (Grissom sniffs, around it)

Grissom

It's probably more than 3 years.

Brass

You're kiddin' me, right?

Grissom

Rule of thumb is if the skull smells bad it's usually under 3 years. But this one smells like dirt.

Lieutenant Mendez

Those the best you got? [He points over to Grissom and Catherine]

Brass

Yeah, yeah, you got lucky.

Lt. Mendez

Well, if they're not I'll fly mine in.

Brass

Let me put it to you this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

Brass

Will Warshall, this is Catherine Willows, from the Crime Lab.

There's something very wrong in the world if a woman like you is only handling test tubes.

Catherine

If you think that's all I handle, you're not as smart as you think.

Grissom

[about why the killer brought the Polaroid with him] Bring me the head of John the Baptist. Salome- wanted proof that he was dead. They didn't have Polaroids back then.

Brass

So you're saying our first victim was a hired killer. Hired by whom?

Greg

Whoever shot him?

Sons of bitches! I'm gonna sue your ass into the ground. I hope you know that. Yeah. I'm gonna own you. I'm gonna own this whole place. In fact, maybe that's where I'll live. I'm just gonna move in here.

Catherine

Let me guess, he lawyered up?

Brass

Yeah. He stopped talking right after I told him we blew up his house.

[to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it.[puts the box down on the side] Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.

Brass

What time was that?

About 3:00. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.

Brass

Was it busy?

Kind of.

Brass

How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?

Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.

Brass

Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.

Brass

[to April Perez] I bought it the hell we all bought it. But your sister was already dead when you raised that alarm. Her body told us that. There was no sexual assault. The evidence told us that, too. So you didn't think this through, sweetheart. So what are we left with? A false police report and a murdered little girl. So it's one to four for the Amber Alert. And for your sister, life imprisonment if it's an accident, and the needle if it's not.

I didn't kill Alicia.

Brass

But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?

I'm invisible.

Brass

But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...

That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.

Brass

I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?

No.

Brass

Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?

I use now and then to take the edge off.

Brass

So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?

Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?

Brass

Depends on who you sold it to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.

What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.

Brass

[to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?

Guilty.

Brass

Lepidro. What kind of name is that?

Grissom

It's from Lepidoptera, meaning "butterfly." Walter Clancy started out a gender-dysmorphic caterpillar and turned into a bloody butterfly.

Brass

Love hurts.

Brass

Hey, I uh talked to the manager. All he said was the renter paid cash and the guy; he seemed pretty normal.

Catherine

Normal people don't torture people in storage bins.

Grissom

Deerstalker cap, violin, Meerschaum pipe, even a Persian slipper with tobacco stuffed in the toe, I imagine. All in all, meticulous recreation of 221-B Baker Street: residence of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes.

Brass

Also known as Dennis Kingsley, delivery guy. What do you think?

Grissom

Ask Greg. It's his case. It's his final proficiency test. Emphasis in the "final".

Brass

Okay, Dr. Watson, run it.

So you actually think this is something other than suicide?

Brass

You know, I think you gotta drop the accent!

I can't! I'm English!

Brass

Oh!

Brass

Why the elaborate frame-up of Watson? He had as much to lose as you.

Because he's the one that told Denny to give it all up and go back to his family. Because he's the one that wanted to be Sherlock Holmes, because he didn't care what it was doing to me. You see, Detective... [switching to a British accent] Denny would have wanted his murder to be the perfect puzzle. A mystery worthy of the master.

Brass

Detective Jim Brass.

Warrick

Congratulations Jim Brass, you are guaranteed one of these five amazing awards!

Brass

Warrick?

Warrick

A trip to London, a brand new Caddy, tennis bracelet, plasma TV, water purification system, you finally did it Jim, just send NZA a cheque for $300 and claim your prize.

Brass

Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?

[Embarrassed] Maybe.

Grissom

I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.