Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!
S2 E6Gotcha
Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"
S2 E7Dressed
You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.
[On inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!
[As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Naked?
Completely! She's only got her coat!
Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
[Bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
[Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]
Jeff?
Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.
S2 E8Naked
It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Well... not being called Jeffery.
'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.
I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"
S2 E9The End of the Line
You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.
Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
But you're Jane.
Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
Julia's pants... are they really tiny?
You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Jeff?
Yeah?
They spread.
What?
Pants. They spread, and grow.
Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
You start off with that sexy little thong...
And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
[Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
What's wrong?
Susan's slept with Australia!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.