Brent quotes from Corner Gas

Hank

I don't even want to get into your pants.

Brent

And you're not going to with that kind of whining.

Lacey

If I start a Pilates class, will you join?

Brent

That depends.

Lacey

On what?

Brent

On what is Pilates?

Lacey

Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...

Brent

You lost me.

Lacey

Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?

Brent

No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!

Emma

A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.

Brent

You're like Yoda.

Emma

I don't know what that means.

Brent

Do you have any books about child psychology?

About what?

Brent

Child psychology.

Chives on top of me?

Brent

Yes, that's right, Alice. I want a book about chives on top of you.

Brent

Hurts, don't it?

Lacey

Why do they make cars out of metal? They should know that there’s a certain percentage of children that are evil.

Emma

You're going to the doctor, Oscar, and that's the end of it.

Brent

Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?

Emma

Your father won't see a doctor.

Oscar

He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.

Brent

[sarcastically] Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. [to Emma] You know, legally.

Oscar

Plumbers in lab coats.

Emma

You love plumbers.

Oscar

There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best-case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.

Brent

Dad--

Oscar

He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.

Brent

You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.

Oscar

How can you be so sure?

Brent

Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.

Oscar

A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it--

Brent

[disgusted] Dad!

Emma

What's he talking about?

Brent

Viagra.

Emma

Oh, for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.

Brent

Agh, Mom!

When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.

Oscar

Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!

Brent

Well, he's a people person.

Brent

Aw, did you have to use the scary Santa.

Brent

That thing gives me the heebee-Jojeebees.

Wanda

What? It's festive.

Brent

Yeah, the way human sacrifice is considered festive in some cultures.

Wanda

Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colours, red, green, flashing lights...

Brent

So, old Christmas decorations.

Wanda

Yeah!

Brent

Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.

Wanda

Okay.

Emma

Well, Carl Jung says that we all have a shadow figure, a...a kind of nemesis. In fact I actually found mine.

Brent

What'd you do?

Emma

I married him.

Brent

Jeez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?

Oscar

Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer

Not the Belgium I've been to.

Brent

I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

Emma

Brent!

Lacey

You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.

Brent

Honest to God, Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.

Emma

Hey Brent. Where do you keep the canned pasta?

Oscar

Not canned pasta, Alphaghetti! Her memory's going.

Emma

I remember. You want Alphaghetti.

Oscar

If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?

Emma

What difference does it make?

Oscar

You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Brent

The Alphaghetti's over by the-

Oscar

I know where it is! I'm still playing with a full deck.

Emma

I don't know why you insist on Alphaghetti, you won't even eat the Es.

Oscar

Oh! Everyone knows you don't eat the Es!

Emma

Then why are they in there?

Oscar

Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this, if your memory wasn't going.

Emma

Come on Oscar. Let's go home, I'll make you some Alphaghetti.

Oscar

I want the kind with dinosaurs!

Brent

The sign! I just saw the sign!

Lacey

What kind of sign? The sign of the times?

Wanda

The first sign of trouble?

Lacey

The sign of the apocalypse?

Brent

No, and for the record, if I do see a sign of the apocalypse, I will say "The Sign is Nigh."

Come for the oil change, stay for the grease

Brent

Hey, what do you think of my new slogan?

Lacey

I'm changing the sign.

Brent

Come on, it's a joke! People like that kind of thing. Plus, I was careful to choose a slogan where the letters couldn't be rearranged to spell anything embarrassing.

Wanda

What slogan?

Brent

"Come for the oil change, stay for the grease."

Wanda

"Choose Glenn Frey for a ménage à trois."

Wanda

Don't bother checking it, it's right. Another option would be: "My thighs are hot for goat felons."

Over-celebrating a bit for a tie, aren't we boys?

Hank

You're just upset because you didn't win! You poor tie-ers!

Brent

Yeah, sleep well tonight knowing you don't suck less than we do!