[over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.
S1 E16Communication Studies
Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Does that work?
Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.
[about Britta] Well, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid, but entertaining.
S1 E17Physical Education
[Abed is being a "different version of himself"; Annie is standing in as the girl]
What are you reading?
Pride and Prejudice.
So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?
Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]
I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.
[Abed leans in for a kiss and is interrupted at the last second.]
Abed, what are you doing?!
Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?
Weird.
TTroy
Awesome.
Put your tongue in her ear.
I liked it.
The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Abed, you're a god.
What are you guys doing?
They're teaching me how to be someone else.
Oh, for God's sake, what did I tell you guys?
[doing a Jeff impression] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
TTroy
Whoa! That is a good Jeff! How did you do that?
10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
[disappointed] Zach Braff...
Sorry.
The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Abed...you're a god. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.
TTroy
Is that code for going number one or number two?
Abed, you've inspired me too. People can mock me all they want. I don't care how I say the word "baggle".
[the group laughs at Britta]
"Baggle."
[the group continues to laugh while Britta tries to smile while holding back her tears]
S1 E18Basic Genealogy
I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is--
TTroy
--Thinking?
Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's--
TTroy
--Pie?
Exactly. It's creepy.
How much effort do I rate?
For you, I'd break a light sweat.
Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
You're becoming dangerous Annie, it's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain
RCRabbi Chang
"Señor Chang"? Ben, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
That is who I am!
[sobbing] I hate Glee.
I'm not crazy about Glee either.
I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.
S1 E19Beginner Pottery
ASAdmiral Slaughter
I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them: from the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.
Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.
S1 E20The Science of Illusion
From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"
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