Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Tommy Brown

And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on, everything?

Lt. Columbo

No sir. No sir, it's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.

Tommy Brown

Now why would anybody want to kill me?

Lt. Columbo

Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.

Lt. Columbo

I noticed that the arrangement was changed.

Tommy Brown

You've got a good ear for music.

Lt. Columbo

Well, you know I'm Italian.

Lt. Columbo

Where did you first learn how to fly?

Tommy Brown

Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.

Lt. Columbo

Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...

Tommy Brown

Well, don't you?

Lt. Columbo

[pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.

Lt. Columbo

Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.

That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?

Lt. Columbo

Um, yeah. That explains it.

You know something, Lieutenant? I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.

Lt. Columbo

Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.

Sure. We're all pilots.

Lt. Columbo

Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.

Why? We'd teach you.

Lt. Columbo

I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Well, still be an awful lot of mountain to search for anything hidden or buried, a lot of mountain. Who could find it?

Lt. Columbo

The guy who hid it.

Tommy Brown

Aren't you afraid, being up here alone with a killer?

Lt. Columbo

No sir. No sir, I had a feeling that, sooner or later... Sooner or later, you would've confessed even if I hadn't caught you.

Tommy Brown

Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant, I would've. 'Cause it was getting to me and I'm glad it's over.

Lt. Columbo

Listen... Any man who can sing like that can't be all bad.

Haven't you ever heard of future shock? The world's going to hell with itself. Believe me, Columbo. Times have changed.

Lt. Columbo

Yeah. Maybe.

Lt. Columbo

Commissioner Halperin says he found those jewels under your mattress.

That's crazy.

Mark Halperin

You're a liar!

Hey, I don't even live here!

Mark Halperin

What?!?

Lt. Columbo

I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.

Lt. Columbo

Commissioner, I believe you killed your wife. And I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.

Mark Halperin

You just lost your badge, my friend.

Lt. Columbo

You must have a lot of those, sir.

Mark Halperin

What?

Lt. Columbo

Gut feelings.

Mark Halperin

What are you talking about?

Lt. Columbo

Well, you had a gut feeling last night.

Mark Halperin

I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?

Lt. Columbo

When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.

Mark Halperin

Yes.

Lt. Columbo

I found out you asked for me when you first called in.

Mark Halperin

I did.

Lt. Columbo

What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.

Milo Janus

What's he doing here?

Well, you know that introductory thirty day offer we've been pushing on television?

Milo Janus

Yeah.

That's what he's doing here.

Lt. Columbo

Mr. Janus, how you doin'! Listen, I gotta tell you, this is terrific! I'm starting to feel like a new man already.

Milo Janus

Fine, fine Columbo.

Lt. Columbo

Of course, you know, I've only been on for about 20 minutes.

Milo Janus

[after watching Columbo light his cigar] Your health program didn't last very long, did it?

Lt. Columbo

Long enough.

Milo Janus

You know something, Columbo, you're a devious man.

Lt. Columbo

That's what they tell me.

Milo Janus

I don't care what you think. I don't care what you suspect. I don't care what visions you see when you look at your cigar ashes because I'm innocent. I have an alibi for the time Gene Stafford died and you can huff and puff on that rotten cigar until next July and you'll never prove otherwise.

Lt. Columbo

I wouldn't count on that.