Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Lt. Columbo

Do I get a confession, sir?

Adrian Carsini

Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.

Lt. Columbo

Why's that, sir?

Adrian Carsini

Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.

Adrian Carsini

You've learned very well, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Nelson Hayward

I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo

Uh.

Nelson Hayward

Sit down, sit down.

Lt. Columbo

So far, sir, we don't have a thing.

Nelson Hayward

Oh, that's disheartening.

Lt. Columbo

Officially, that is.

Nelson Hayward

And unofficially?

Lt. Columbo

Unofficially we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward

Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?

Lt. Columbo

Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.

Nelson Hayward

Looks very functional.

Lt. Columbo

Thank you.

Lt. Columbo

What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...

Would it fit your personality?

Lt. Columbo

My style, is what I'm...

Personality? Style?

Lt. Columbo

Right.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Lt. Columbo

You're sure?

Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.

Lt. Columbo

Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.

Splendid, an affair!

Lt. Columbo

Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.

Lt. Columbo

Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.

Nelson Hayward

[laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.

Lt. Columbo

What do you mean, sir?

Nelson Hayward

Nothing. It's a small joke.

In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.

Lt. Columbo

What's that, Doctor?

That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.

Lt. Columbo

Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.

I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.

Lt. Columbo

And that's a tough nut to crack.

That's not tough. That's impossible.

Lt. Columbo

Can anyone confirm that?

No.

Lt. Columbo

No one at all?

Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.

Lt. Columbo

Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.

With nobody to prove it.

Lt. Columbo

Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.

Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.

Lt. Columbo

I believe that.

You do?

Lt. Columbo

Yes, ma'am.

Why?

Lt. Columbo

My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Thank you.

Lt. Columbo

You're welcome.

I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.

Lt. Columbo

That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.

Lt. Columbo

$6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.

Oh. [adjusts figure]

Lt. Columbo

$6.75?!

I forgot the iced tea.

Lt. Columbo

Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?

It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?

Lt. Columbo

Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.

Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.

Lt. Columbo

That's probably it. His subconscious.

Not making much progress, huh?

Lt. Columbo

I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.

What's his name?

Lt. Columbo

What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.

Lt. Columbo

The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.

I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.

Lt. Columbo

Some people say I'm snoopy.

So all you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Lt. Columbo

It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.