Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Milo Janus

What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?

Lt. Columbo

This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.

Lt. Columbo

You removed the bulb on the phone in the living room so the line wouldn't light up because if 6901 lit up the people there would know that you were talking from the phone in the study.

Milo Janus

Guesswork, supposition, more cigar ashes. What you need is proof. That what you need-- proof.

Lt. Columbo

It didn't take me 'til July, but I got the proof.

You're hungry and tired, I can see that.

Lt. Columbo

Uh, well, the fact is, I didn't sleep last night and I'm plenty tired.

Oh, I am sorry. Would you wait here? [calling behind her] George, would you bring a tray? [turning back to Columbo] Won't you join us, Brother?

Lt. Columbo

Join you for what?

Come. I haven't seen you before, have I?

Lt. Columbo

No, ma'am, no.

Oh, that coat, that coat, that coat. Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room.

I found exactly the right thing. It's warm. And look! It's hardly been used at all! Now, you stand up and we'll try it on.

Lt. Columbo

You know, I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I've had this coat for seven years.

Oh, you poor man.

Don't be ashamed.

Lt. Columbo

No, I'm very fond of it.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, uh, I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?

A picture?

Lt. Columbo

You know, I mean, maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. You know, something he could look at, kind of like a pin-up?

[annoyed] No, really, Lieutenant...

Lt. Columbo

No, no, that's a terrible idea. I mean the dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. I mean the dog would know it wasn't her, right? Forget I mentioned it.

I will, Lieutenant.

Look at the negative in the back of the camera, Lieutenant. It proves I'm right.

Lt. Columbo

Were you a witness to what he just did?

Yes, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Were you a witness to what he just did?

Yes, sir.

Lt. Columbo

Were you a witness to what he just did?

Yes, I am, sir.

Witness to what?

You just incriminated yourself, sir. You identified the camera.

Lt. Columbo

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys, Lieutenant, but somebody's gotta turn them into men.

Lt. Columbo

You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.

Don't expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again by tomorrow.

Do you have a first name?

Lt. Columbo

I do, my wife is the only one that uses it.

Lieutenant Columbo, the captain would like to see you.

Lt. Columbo

The captain, to see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...

It's not about your wife, sir

Lt. Columbo

[pointing to surgical gloves] Doctor, do you know how many of these you have on board?

No, not off hand.

Lt. Columbo

Would you mind?

Mind what?

Lt. Columbo

Mind firing the gun into the matress; I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot, I'm liable to miss.

Lt. Columbo

[At an art gallery] Uh, now this here. I see it doesn't have a title.

That?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah.

That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Lt. Columbo

Oh. That's the ventilator?

Yeah.

Lt. Columbo

Oh. [blushes] I'm embarrassed.

Oh, no.

Lt. Columbo

You won't tell anybody?

Of course not. You know, I think you would appreciate the more traditional things. If you'll come with me, we have some beautiful landscapes upstairs. If you'd like to come and I'll show you--

Lt. Columbo

Well, I'll tell you the truth about that, ma'am. I've got plenty of landscapes. Thank you very much. You see, my wife, she paints a little.

Oh, does she?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah. She buys those canvases with the numbers on them. You've seen 'em around. Yeah, you fill the spaces with the paints that have the corresponding numbers. They turn out pretty good.

Lt. Columbo

Good afternoon, Mr. Van Wyck.

Oh, what is it? A new experiment?

Lt. Columbo

I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.

Perhaps it would be more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you'd just move into one of our guest rooms.

Am I to presume that I'm currently your chief suspect?

Lt. Columbo

I'm not sure suspect is a strong enough word.

In that case, I should be locked up. Of course, I'm not. Therefore, I presume you have no proof.

Lt. Columbo

Not yet.

You'll let me know when you do, won't you?

Lt. Columbo

You will be the first to know, Doctor.