Lilith Sternin quotes from Cheers

Lilith

Excuse me. I have to check my messages.

Carla

You got one from Madame Tussaud. Get back to the museum.

Frasier

Carla, death is an earthly scientific passage predicted by either massive physical injury or progressive bodily deterioration. There is as little validity in a supposed death dream as there is in the cliched image of death itself as a grim bloodless ghoul who's bony finger reaches out to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.

Lilith

[taps Frasier's shoulder] Frasier, it's time to go.

Frasier

[Screams] Don't do that, woman. Put on some blush.

Sam

Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?

Norm

What's the problem, Sam?

Sam

She called off the whole wedding.

Carla

Get out.

Sam

I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.

Norm

Yeah Sam, she's in agony.

Lilith

Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.

Carla

Except maybe Clavin.

Lilith

Ah Frasier, here you are. Where are the dysfunctional men?

Carla

Throw a rock.

Lilith

I think your humor is expressive of a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps deep down you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.

Sam

Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.

Lilith

Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?

Frasier

She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.

Rebecca

I don't understand why nobody wants to come back to my beautiful tearoom.

Frasier

Well Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress. See one shouldn't feel she's over eager to please. It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.

Lilith

Who is this she you're talking about, Frasier?

Frasier

Purely hypothetical.

Lilith

It's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.

Frasier

Oh come on, hon. Give me this one. You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.

Lilith

That was good.

Lilith

I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup. He's just a baby. He needs supervision.

Frasier

Well Sam can take care of him.

Lilith

I'm talking about Sam. You know how out of control he can get at times. What a mess he can make.

Frasier

Sam can clean it up.

I'm talking about Sam.

Frasier

Darling, it will just be for a few hours.

Lilith

All right but if anything goes wrong he could be scarred for life.

Frasier

You mean Sam, right.

Lilith

Yes and it's a threat.

Frasier

Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Norm

Yeah, what's This Old House?

Frasier

Well it's a show on PBS.

Norm

What's PBS?

Lilith

Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Lilith

Frasier, we need to have a discussion.

Frasier

oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.

Lilith

I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.

Frasier

But darling, that is Halloween.

Lilith

Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.

Lilith

Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

Rebecca

Are you going to get your hair done for that?

Lilith

Why on earth should I?

Carla

Well at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we are dead!

Lilith

That hardly seems just, coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

Frasier

You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.

Lilith

I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.

Frasier

Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?

Lilith

I don't know, 80, 85.

Frasier

What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?

Frasier

Darling, are you going to be okay with this?

Lilith

Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?

Frasier

Baby, you're the greatest.

Frasier

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.

Lilith

Or some of your weekly ones.

Frasier

Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"

Carla

Because you're the loneliest man on earth.

Lilith

He has another reason.

Cliff

Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.

Lilith

[sarcastically] Really?

Cliff

Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.

Frasier

I know. I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale in comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it, it'll be a relief! Okay, okay...what is the worst thing I can imagine?

Frasier

All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.

Lilith

This afternoon, in a moment of EXTREME weakness...I cheated on you.

Frasier

THAT WAS IT!! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!!!!

Lilith

Try to remain calm!

Frasier

How can I remain calm when you tell me you've slept with another man?! You SLUT!!!