Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Carla

When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.

Norm

How's that?

Carla

It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Cliff

It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?

Norm

What?

Cliff

Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Coach

What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?

Norm

Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.

Coach

Beer, Normy?

Norm

Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach

What's shaking, Norm?

Norm

All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Diane

Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.

Norm

Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.

Coach

What will it be, Normy?

Norm

A transfusion with a head on it.

Diane

It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.

Sam

There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.

Norm

[to Cliff] He's added one.

Coach

What would you say to a nice beer, Normy?

Norm

Going down?

Norm

Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.

Cliff

Oh, yeah?

Norm

A lot more, I might add.

Cliff

Is that right, Marco Rollo?

Norm

Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.

Cliff

Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!

Norm

Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!

Cliff

Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Cliff

Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.

Norm

What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.

Cliff

You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

Norm

Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".

Cliff

Bef? No, you mean beef.

Norm

Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.

Cliff

Ah, no.

Norm

What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Sam

What will you have, Norm?

Norm

Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

Sam

It looks like beer, Norm.

Norm

Call me Mr. Lucky.

Norm

[Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you two mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?

Carla

Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Sam

Well do you think I should go through with this?

Norm

I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.

Sam

I'm goin'.

Norm

That's what I'd do.