Javier Esposito quotes from Castle

Esposito

[To Beckett] A control freak like you with something you can't control? No, no, that's gonna be more fun than Shark Week.

Esposito

Just Yumi. I guess if you don't have a last name you can charge more.

Esposito

You have to turn back, Jared, because if you don't, here's what's going to happen. HRT, that's the Hostage Rescue Team, they're going to wait for you to get weak and tired, then a dozen highly trained guys armed to the teeth will breach this car, and trust me when I tell you they will not play.

Ryan

[pointing to inscription on Castle's book] From the library of Katherine Beckett.

Beckett

Do you have a problem with reading, Ryan?

Esposito

Yo, check it, girl, you're totally a fan!

Beckett

Right. Of the genre.

Ryan

Right, the genre, that's why you're blushing.

Beckett

What are you, twelve?

Ryan

You're telling me you've lived in New York your whole life, and you've never scored a piece of roadkill?

Esposito

"Roadkill?"

Ryan

It's an accepted practice, bro. You're done with your old stuff, you leave it on the street for those less fortunate. Artists, students, former hedge-fund managers... it's trickle-down economics at its finest.

Esposito

Yeah, well I prefer not to be trickled on.

Ryan

...you know that red couch I have? The one you like so much?

Esposito

Don't you say it, bro.

Ryan

54th and Lex.

Esposito

That's gross. Gross. We are never playing Madden at your place again.

Esposito

Yeah. What are the odds?

Castle

Long, unless they're connected.

Esposito

Well, four years between murders. One's a popsicle, one just got popped. How could they possibly be connected?

Castle

Maybe he and his wife got into something they couldn't get out of. Maybe something to do with a drug habit.

Ryan

So some skell waits four years to finish the job?

Castle

Maybe he finally figured out what happened to his wife and was about to go the police with it.

Ryan

I don't believe it.

Castle

Give me 250 pages, I bet I could make you.

Beckett

We're solving a murder, Castle, not writing a book.

Castle

I would call it, A Chill Runs Through Her Veins.

Esposito

Ooh, I like that.

Castle

Heh! [Two slap hands] "Bam" said the lady, another bestseller for me.

Castle

I had sex with my ex-wife this morning. My first ex-wife. Meredith, Alexis' mom. And she's thinking about moving back to New York. Do you know what that would mean to me? That would be a very special brand of hell: the hell of a deep-fried twinkie.

Ryan

Deep-fried twinkie?

Castle

Yeah, the guilty pleasure that you know is bad for you so you only do it once, maybe twice a year for the novelty,

Ah!

Castle

But a deep-fried twinkie everyday is... [gags]

Beckett

Castle!

Castle

What?

Beckett

Crime scene. Dead body. A little respect here.

Castle

I don't think he can hear me.

Beckett

Okay, how about a little self-respect then?

Castle

...Fine.

Ryan

Why do you writers always call them "perps?"

Castle

Isn't that what you call them?

Ryan

Ah, we've got a whole lot of names for them. Pipehead, pisshead, orc, creep...

Esposito

...crook, knucklehead, chucklehead...

Ryan

...chud, turd...

Esposito

...destro, scall...

Ryan

...skexy, slicko, slick...

Esposito

...mope...

Ryan

...sleestak...

Castle

[writing in notepad] Slow down, slow down!

Beckett

Suspects. We call them suspects.

Montgomery

I'm old-school. I like "dirtbag."

Castle

Classic.

Esposito

[About the bachelor-party cop twins' uniforms at the photo shoot] Hey, Beckett, how come you don't wear a uniform like that?

Beckett

Because I don't want to be paid in singles.

Ryan

Guy in a tree; Mom and Dad bickering. Seems like old times!

Esposito

Mm-hmm!

Esposito

You know what I don't get? Who would steal a dead body?

Castle

Oh, plenty of people. Organ harvesters, cadaver-less med students, Satanists. [pause] Mad scientists looking to create their own monster.

Beckett

Or the guys who killed him might have left some evidence behind.

Castle

Boring. How about a spy having swallowed a microchip that the enemy spies murder him over before the CIA can get ahold of him?

Beckett

[to Lanie who is examining a body in a tree] How's it going up there?.

Lanie

I got tree branches poking my boobs and a spotlight shining up my booty.

Esposito

Could be worse. You could be wearing a skirt.

Lanie

[pause] When I come down, Im'ma smack you.

Esposito

I'm looking forward to that.

Beckett

*in a Russian accent* Sometimes when I am bored, I go to Glechik Cafe in Little Odessa and pretend to be Muscovite.

Esposito

Now that's kinda hot!

Beckett

We'll start over. Fresh eyes. You take our murder, we'll take yours.

Esposito

All right.

Castle

[a thought strikes him] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Say that again.

Beckett

You take our murder, we'll take yours.

Castle

Could it be that easy? You take mine, I'll take yours.

Esposito

What are you getting at, Castle?

Castle

Strangers on a Train.

Ryan

The Hitchcock movie?

Castle

I'm partial to the novel by Patricia Highsmith, but yes. We have two strong suspects, but with airtight alibis, right?

Esposito

Right.

Castle

We know they're connected. What if the connection is the killers?

Beckett

Jason and Eric committed each other's murders.

Castle

And made sure they had an airtight alibi for the murder they knew they'd be suspected of. It's not our victims that are connected, it's our murderers. Crisscross!

Esposito

Lanie ran the substance on our vics against the Hudson River water. It's a match.

Ryan

Marx gets on the boat uptown, Cosway joins him at Chelsea Piers, and they ride to Pier 11 together.

Castle

So one day, maybe they start talking. Maybe about the Yankee bullpen, maybe about the attractive secretary leaning up against the railing. Oh, and Jason starts grumbling about his wife. Eric maybe mentions how he covets Frank's apartment.

Esposito

Yeah, well, there's an open upper deck. I figure that's where they were doing their plottin'.

Beckett

And how the water from the Hudson got on both of them.

Castle

It gets transferred from Eric Marx's jacket and gloves to Ashley Cosway when they struggle.

Esposito

Then to Frank Anderson when Jason Cosway swipes his watch and wallet.

Ryan

Done deal.

Beckett

Except it's all circumstantial. The DA will never buy it without hard evidence or a confession.

Esposito

Oh, we're gonna get a confession.

Castle

Not if we get one first.

Ryan

So, bet's back on?

Beckett

[getting in his face] You bet your britches the bet is back on.