Javier Esposito quotes from Castle

Esposito

Castle, hey, is your, your girl here?

Ryan

Rina.

Beckett

Rina used to baby-sit Alexis, fellas. So, as far as Big Rick here is concerned, she might as well be wearing a chastity belt.

Castle

Thank you for that visual image. That's… And also, thank you for calling me "Big Rick".

Ryan

Looking good, Detective Beckett.

Beckett

How did you guys…

Ryan

We're detectives.

Esposito

Called your dad.

Beckett

[Rising up and walking over to them] Okay, okay, you guys have had your fun. I was 17 and I thought that modeling would be an easier way to make money than waitressing.

Esposito

Right.

Beckett

It was one summer, no big deal. [Turns and walks away, but snaps her fingers and turns back] And if you guys tell Castle about this, I will kill you.

Esposito

Yeah, it's too bad, too. Your kind of case, bro'.

Castle

Yeah?

Ryan

Yeah, body was found down that manhole over there. Half eaten.

Castle

Eaten?

Ryan

Yeah, it was covered in some kind of green slime.

Castle

Whoa...

Esposito

Yeah, it was creepy. It's as if someone or some thing is down there.

Castle

[Catching on] Ha, that's... okay. Very funny. Great. [To Beckett] Was there a body down the manhole?

Beckett

Yeah.

Castle

Okay, thank you. An adult.

Beckett

Yeah, you should have seen what else was down there. Two metal canisters with bio-hazard stickers and yellow powder inside of them.

Castle

You opened the... [the detectives smirk] Alright. Will someone please tell me what's really going on here?

Ryan

We're gonna check nearby trash cans for the murder weapon.

Castle

What was the murder weapon, by the way?

Ryan

Some kind of death ray.

Esposito

Turns your insides out.

Ryan

What? [reluctantly] I used to go out with a girl who was into the lifestyle.

Esposito

What happened? Did the relationship suck?

Castle

Oh!

Ryan

Deal-breaker, she wanted to have sex in a coffin. I'm opened-mind, but not that open-minded...

Esposito

Found your stalker. Franco Marquez, aka Frankie Markie. Hayley filed half a dozen complaints against him. It says here that he even tried to break into her apartment. And when she filed against him, he showed up in court and called her a...[sees Alexis] B-I-T-C-H.

Castle

She can spell, Detective.

Ryan

Probably better than you.

Esposito

Where's Nidal Metar? Shakir Nidal Metar! Where is he?

There's no Shakir Nidal Metar here! Only Sally Neidermeyer!

Beckett

Ma'am, did you send a package by bike courier this morning?

Yes, I did!

Beckett

"S. Nidal Metar?" S. Neidermeyer! Some bozo at the courier company wrote the name wrong.

Castle

Our bad. Uh, we can -

Ryan

- Yeah, we can fix this.

Castle

[lifting the door] Sorry.

Beckett

[arriving on the scene of the crime] So, what do we got?

Castle

May I?

Esposito

Be my guest.

Castle

Thank you. Our victim’s name is Caleb Shimky…

Esposito

Shimansky.

Castle

Is that an A?

Esposito

Yeah, it's an A.

Castle

And he was pulling a Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver when all of-

Beckett

I'm sorry, what?

Castle

Quicksilver. [Beckett shakes her head] Kevin Bacon is a bike messenger who failed as a-

Beckett

[turns to Esposito] Esposito, take him to school.

Esposito

The victim is Caleb Shimansky, an on-duty bike messenger. Masked suspect in a black 4-door plows into him, killing him instantly. The suspect steals the messenger bag, jumps in his ride and jets off.

Beckett

[looking back at Castle] See, that wasn't so hard.

Castle

No, no, it's good, if you like the dull, non-best-seller version.

Esposito

I thought I gave it some flair.

Beckett

[to Ryan and Esposito]: Aren't you guys supposed to be running background checks?

Esposito

We are.

Ryan

On the bride. All day yesterday, I kept feeling like I'd heard the name 'Kira Blaine' before and then it hits me - the dedication of Castle's second book [points to cover of book] "A Rose For Everafter"

Esposito

[reading from book]: For Kira Blaine - you make the stars shine.

Beckett

[pause] When I'm not here, do you guys braid each other's hair and debate who's the coolest Jonas brother?

Esposito

No. But it's totally Nick.

Ryan

Absolutely Nick.

Castle

Bridesmaid dresses are supposed to be hideous.

Esposito

Really? Why?

Beckett

So that the bride looks more beautiful in comparison.

Castle

Ah, see? Not a woman alive who doesn't think about her wedding day, not even Kate Beckett. Tell me you never tore a picture of a wedding gown out of a magazine.

Beckett

[pointedly] I've never torn a picture of a wedding gown out of a magazine. [walks away and smirks]

Castle

You're lying. She's lying.

Ryan

Mmm-hmm.

Ryan

Hey, we're thinking maybe you could talk to Montgomery about finding some room in the budget for those smart boards.

Beckett

Sure. While they're at it, maybe they can buy us Batmobiles.

Esposito

That'd be cool.

Ryan

Yeah.

Beckett

Our murder boards are just fine.

Esposito

For a caveman.

Ryan

Still no luck with the curse, huh?

Esposito

Look on the bright side, Castle, you die, your book sales skyrocket.

Castle

Great.

Montgomery

You had to mess with the curse, didn’t you? Trying to be funny. You know what kind of hell I’d catch if Castle got eaten in the line of duty?

Ryan

Don’t tell me you really believe in that stuff, sir.

Montgomery

You know what I believe in, Detective? That there’s no upside in screwing with things that you can’t explain. First year in homicide, right? My partner tackles a suspect through the window of a gypsy smoke shop. Owner’s furious. Threatens all kind of hexes on our houses if we don’t personally go and clean it up. And we tell her, “Yeah, take it up with the city.” Two hours later, my partner drops dead. Heart attack.

Esposito

And you think it was the hexes?

Montgomery

No. The man ate bacon with every meal. But, next morning, I went over there, fixed that window. And you know why?

[look at each other for a moment and then back] Because there’s no upside in screwing with things you can’t explain?

Montgomery

And don’t you ever forget it.

Castle

If something were to happen to me, I want you to watch out for Alexis. She looks up to you. And if her boyfriends get frisky, you can shoot them.

Beckett

Nothing’s gonna happen to you.

Castle

But if it does…

Beckett

Okay. [smiles]

Castle

And would you also go into my closet and get rid of my porn collection before she finds it?

Esposito

Don’t worry, bro. I got you covered on that.

Castle

Wilder, Daemon Wilder?

Esposito

Yeah, you know him?

Castle

I know of him, this is a photo of one of his ad campaigns. He runs a line of boutique men's skin care products.

Ryan

You mean like bathroom stuff?

Castle

He's got a toner; totally alcohol free. Fantastic. He's got a shaving cream that is ridiculous.

Esposito

I'm good with the drug store stuff man.

Castle

No no no no, hang on. This stuff will change your life. (squirt)

Esposito

It's hot...

Castle

It's hot.

Ryan

It's hot?

Castle

It's HOT.

Ryan

It's hot! How do they do that?

Esposito

So... Castle's last case, huh?

Beckett

Mm-hmm.

Esposito

Ryan and I thought we'd do a little going away party.

Beckett

Yeah. Well, it's not like he's leaving forever.

Esposito

You sure about that? Why do you think he's been following you around all this time? What, research? The guy has done enough research to write 50 books. Look... whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy.