Phil quotes from Call Me Kat

Oh. You're early. Or I'm late. Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here. Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed. Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.

Katherine?!

Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Tara's renewing her vows. I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because your best friend's getting 2 weddings, and you've never had one. (whispering) And you're 39.

(whispering) Why are we whispering?

[The scene cuts right to Kat in the kitchen with her coffee on the table.]

Oh. Thought I had more time. My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.

(crying) I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

(crying) I think I want to open a cat café.

[The scene cuts right to Kat talking about a cat café.]

So, I did. I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have 2 great employees who are super helpful.

[The scene cuts right to Kat, Phil, and Randi at the cat café.]

Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat, gets an extra paid sick day.

Phil

How about pudding, 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?

How about firework, 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?

Phil

Ooh! I like that.

That's pretty good.

[The scene cuts right to Kat sitting on the couch with her pet cat.]

I think he's purr-fect. Now on with our show.

S1 E1 Plus One

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Sorry to hear that. When did you guys break up?

Phil

4 months ago.

I feel you, man. I just got my divorce papers Thursday. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

Phil

Mmm, bless your heart.

She was always like, you're never around. You're out at that bar every night. Because I own the bar. You knew that when you met me in the bar.

Phil

Marty was the opposite. He used to say, "You don't want to go anywhere.". But I liked being home and tending to my garden. And I cannot be away from my sourdough starter for longer than 12 hours.

You gotta feed the beast.

Phil

You gotta feed the beast.

S1 E2 Double Date

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Well, the governor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.

Uh, why does the governor think that?

Well, my boyfriend, Preston, and I were having dinner with him and his wife, but I kept leaving the dinner table to go to the bathroom to check my phone. Apparently, my daughter doesn't know the most important rule of traveling.

Phil

Keep your passport in your underwear?

How many things do you keep in there, Phil?

The rule is, call your mother when you land. I mean, she should have gotten to Puerto Rico 3 hours ago. Have either of you heard from her?

We have not. But then again, we've been trying to avoid her.

Well, I left Preston at the governor's mansion, so I don't know. I'm just going to sit here and stare at my phone. Oh, may I have a sweet tea, please?

Phil

Sure. And just to let you know, it's pay what you can night.

Oh, that's fun.

S1 E3 Vacation

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Phil

I'm back.

Oh, Phil, I have huge news.

Phil

You finally kissed Max in your dream.

Less huge. You just missed a customer who asked if you could make your lemon chiffon cake for his wedding.

Phil

Are you squeezing my piping bag? Somebody wants to eat my cake as an extension of their love?

Does the phrase, "Eat my cake!", sound dirty to anyone else?

Did you not just hear squeezing my piping bag?

Here's his information. As soon as we calculate the price for the larger cake, I'll call and confirm.

Phil

Get ready for the wedding cake of your life. Lane Gaffney?! Oh, no!

Are you okay, Phil?

Yeah, you look pale. I mean, paler than usual.

Phil

Lane Gaffney is the name of the boy Marty left me for.

Well, I'm sure it's got to be a different Lane Gaffney. I bet that he wrote his name wrong because when he introduced himself, he said his name was Wayne Staffney.

S1 E5 Cake

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All right, little man. You download the app I told you about?

Phil

I did, but I'm so anxious. I'm sweating through my Dolly Parton longjohns.

Oh, is it that neighborhood app? Oh, that stresses me out, too. Is it a million raccoons or are we all seeing the same raccoon?

No, I'm helping Phil put all his bills on auto pay.

Phil

This bitch is going digital!

All right, Phil, you press here, you'll see all your charges from last month. Damn, Phil, $3,500 on hearing aids?! Can't you just be like old-fashioned and hold up a funnel to your ear?

Phil

Well, I didn't buy 'em for me. I bought 'em for Henry.

Who's Henry?

Phil

He's a gentleman I met on Silver Shepherds. It's a dating app for gay Christian seniors.

Aw, good for you, Phil. It warms my heart to know you're out there rustling up some hot shepherd tail.

Phil

Well, we haven't actually met in person. We just chat on the phone.

Oh, so just a little phone sex?

Phil

You better walk that dirty mind back! Maybe a little.

S1 E7 Eggs

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Phil

Seems like you're ready for your big date. I just came up for an outfit check.

Oh, you don't have to tell me I look good, because I know I look good. You know how I know? Because I feel good. I feel like Lizzo, Gloria Steinem, and Marie Curie all rolled into one.

Phil

Well, I think those women would have taken off their mustache tape by now.

Oh, my gosh. I forgot I still had it on.

Phil

I used to help my mama with hers at the end of every winter. It's only supposed to be on a few seconds.

I just told you I forgot I had it on.

Phil

Well, how long has it been?

I don't know. I listened to that Lizzo song like 6 times. 6 times!

Phil

I know what to do.

No, you can't pull it off fast. Promise me you won't pull it off fast.

Phil

I won't pull it off fast.

Is this going to be one of those things where you say you won't pull it off fast, but then you pull it off fast?

Phil

No, I promise I won't pull it off fast.

Good, because I don't know where my skin ends and this thing begins.

[Phil pulls Kat's mustache off with his hand.]

Phil

We both knew how this was going to go.

We both knew!

S1 E9 First Date

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Phil

What's wrong, sugar? I meant you, Randi, not the actual sugar. But, how are you, sugar? Now, back to you, Randi.

Daniel was supposed to be my model for a photography project at school. But now he has to leave town for work. Damn, I wish I wasn't dating a man who has a job. Oh, wait. I didn't mean it. I take that back, Lord.

Phil

You could ask Max to pose for you. He should be a model anyway.

The theme of the project is modern masculinity. Daniel is the first black partner at his law firm. Max is just a hot white bartender.

Phil

I see your point. I'd still do him. But I see your point. I tell you who else should be a model, this cake pop. Where are you going with those pretty little sprinkles on you? Paris and Milan? Well, smell you.

S1 E10 Business Council

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So, I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck, which is really problematic, because I took a sip of the coffee. Got that all sorted out. And then, when I turned the key in my truck to hightail it out of there, the perfect getaway song just happened to be playing on the radio.

Carter and Oscar: Was it "Getaway Car" by Taylor Swift?

No way. You're a Swiftie.

Don't call it that. But, yeah.

Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone".

That's much better.

Debatable.

Phil

Kat, you have got to be careful. The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for.

Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. He tried to sell me 2 snakes. That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. I know snake math!

CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. I said, not till you get your grades up. And it's still no.

What's up with his grades?

They're not up. Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework. And he says, "I want to live with mom full time!". Then I put on some T Swift and think about my life.

Wait. Max can help CJ.

I would love to help. I was voted teacher of the year when I taught in that remote village in Burma. I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, but I still think I would have gotten it.

S1 E11 Moving In

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[first lines]

So, yeah. I'm throwing a Cat-A-Versary party because the café's been open a year. Can you believe it? It's a fundraiser for the humane society. There'll be cats in costumes and a photo booth and kettle corn.

Oh, kettle corn? You should've led with that. I'm in.

Great. So how's tall and grumpy doing?

Oh, he's a pure delight around me. But when I mentioned you earlier, he clenched his fists so hard, he broke the soda gun.

Well, I am undeterred. Hey, Max. I would love to see you at my Cat-A-Versary party. Carter's going to be there. My mom's coming. She's auditioning for the musical "Cats" at the community theater, so she's been spending a lot of time at the café to research cat behavior.

[Kat gives the coffee to Sheila.]

Here's your coffee, mother.

[Sheila drinks her coffee.]

Look, I get that you're still upset with me for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend while on sleeping medication not prescribed to me, but-- Oh, men's room? Still undeterred. Deterred. Definitely deterred.

[Oscar puts up a sign that reads: "Happy Cat-A-Versary!".]

Wow! That looks amazing.

Thanks. I've been doing squats.

Katherine, please help me get this feline off my lap.

Oh, Mr. Mousekers never falls asleep in someone's lap.

Well, he's been here quite a while, and now I have to use the ladies' room, and his weight is pressing on my bladder.

Please don't bring up his weight. He just got his confidence back up. Mr. Mousekers! Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

Mommy?

Yes?

I don't think Mr. Mousekers is sleeping.

Phil

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the oven just crapped out. I mean, honestly, can you think of anything worse to happen before our Cat-A-Versary party?

S1 E13 Cat-A-Versary

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Kat, he was old, but you gave him a great life. Every time he would lay on your laptop, you would just stop working so he could sleep there.

Phil

And then you bought him his own computer so he could lay right by you.

Which I'd like to call dibs on. Not the time.

I just have that same heavy feeling in my heart that I had when my dad died. And, disturbing coincidence, they both died on top of my mother.

Well, just remind yourself it's a cat and not a person.

Phil

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I know it's a cat and not a person. A cat that I loved very deeply. The first cat I rescued. The only cat who knew how to pee on a potty. And do you know who taught him to do that? No one. He learned just by observing human behavior. He was that smart.

Okay, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm gonna go upstairs for a little bit. Alone. Randi, I'm having Mr. Mousekers cremated. Can you pick up his ashes later today?

There's nothing I'd rather do. Well, there are some things, but once again, not the time.

And I'm gonna cancel the party. I don't even care if I don't get my deposit back on that ice cat sculpture.

Phil

I didn't want to burst her bubble, but I'm the one who taught that cat to pee on the toilet.

S1 E13 Cat-A-Versary

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Phil

Why don't you go take a nap? You might be getting sick.

Oh, no. I'm not sick. I can't be sick. Dale Dixon comes in 2 days.

[Kat blows her nose with a tissue.]

You know, maybe I will take a nap, 'cause I have the chills. I'm feeling a little dizzy, but that doesn't mean I'm sick. I felt the same way when Beth died in little women.

S2 E10 Call Me Katzilla

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Phil

And be a gentleman, pull her chair out.