Sheila quotes from Call Me Kat

Sheila

Oh, where's my ring? I'm on Instagram live, and 6 people want to see it.

Sheila

Too grand to be diagnosed with "clumsy".

Sheila

You know my favorite part of bingo? This.

Kat

Oh. You're early. Or I'm late. Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here. Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed. Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.

Sheila

Katherine?!

Kat

Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Sheila

Tara's renewing her vows. I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Kat

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Sheila

Because your best friend's getting 2 weddings, and you've never had one. (whispering) And you're 39.

Kat

(whispering) Why are we whispering?

Kat

Oh. Thought I had more time. My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.

Sheila

(crying) I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Kat

(crying) I think I want to open a cat café.

Kat

So, I did. I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have 2 great employees who are super helpful.

Kat

Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat, gets an extra paid sick day.

Phil

How about pudding, 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?

Randi

How about firework, 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?

Phil

Ooh! I like that.

Kat

That's pretty good.

Kat

I think he's purr-fect. Now on with our show.

Kat

No, that's quite enough.

Sheila

You can't handle it.

Kat

Give it to me.

Sheila

I don't think you should...

Kat

Mom, stop.

Kat

My pantsuit!

Sheila

Well, the governor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.

Randi

Uh, why does the governor think that?

Sheila

Well, my boyfriend, Preston, and I were having dinner with him and his wife, but I kept leaving the dinner table to go to the bathroom to check my phone. Apparently, my daughter doesn't know the most important rule of traveling.

Phil

Keep your passport in your underwear?

Randi

How many things do you keep in there, Phil?

Sheila

The rule is, call your mother when you land. I mean, she should have gotten to Puerto Rico 3 hours ago. Have either of you heard from her?

Randi

We have not. But then again, we've been trying to avoid her.

Sheila

Well, I left Preston at the governor's mansion, so I don't know. I'm just going to sit here and stare at my phone. Oh, may I have a sweet tea, please?

Phil

Sure. And just to let you know, it's pay what you can night.

Sheila

Oh, that's fun.

Kat

Mother, what are you doing?

Sheila

What does it look like I'm doing? Use your logic.

Kat

Severing our relationship?

Sheila

Freshening things up. This is the Pantone Color of the Year: Classic Blue.

Kat

First of all, that is University of Kentucky Blue. That is the cruelest thing you can do to a cards fan. And second of all, you have no right to just change things in my home without asking.

Sheila

But blue is supposed to be calming.

Kat

Do I look calm?! Do I sound calm?!

Sheila

Trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it. Grab a brush.

Sheila

Katherine!

Kat

Well, trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it.

Sheila

Help! Help! Elder abuse! Someone help me!

Kat

She's an elder and she's abusing me! You get back here!

"Go to a cat café.", I said to myself. It'll be a calm place to get some work done.

Randi

Now, that reminds me of when my mom used to chase me around the house with a hair brush.

Kat

I need to cancel my membership.

Do you want to transfer your membership to another location?

Kat

Do I want to eat glass for fun? The answer's no. I just want to cancel.

Well, we require a 2-month notice to cancel, and you just joined last week.

Kat

Here's the thing, Kyle. I joined this gym because I thought I was gonna get my picture in the paper. But it turns out, that's not happening. And that's okay because I also realized that your jingle just doesn't apply to me, because I was the me, I've always dreamed of, before I started coming here. So, I know this is hard on the both of us, but you got to let me go, Kyle.

Sorry, the cancellation clause is very clear.

Kat

Okay. Well, I'm, I'm guessing there were some other clauses in there, too, as well. Like an inappropriate conduct clause which might require you to kick somebody out if they say, uh, threw all your pens on the floor. Or, uh, uh, what if I sexy-danced with every gym friend that comes in here? Like this gym friend. You need a sexy dance. You need a sexy dance. You need. No? No? Okay. Still nothing? Uh, what if I were to, uh, start doing the dolphin, like, right in the middle of your lobby for no apparent reason?

Sheila

Katherine?

Kat

Mother? You're a member of this gym, too?

Kat

Alexa, remind me to call my mother every day at 6:00 PM.

Okay. I'll remind you every day at 6:00 PM.

Sheila

Isn't that wonderful? Now you won't have to worry about forgetting.

Kat

My mother decided to give me my birthday present 3 months early. I suspect so she could feel appreciated longer.

Sheila

She can help you keep your calendar, make your grocery list.

Kat

Alexa, make a fart sound.

Okay. Here's the big fart.

Sheila

Oh, Katherine. Really?!

Kat

Hey, you don't get to control my relationship with Alexa just because you introduced us. We like to have fun. Okay? We're silly.

Sheila

You're also almost 40 years old. Oh. That reminds me. The cemetery called.

Kat

Oh, my gosh, they come calling now. How long did they give you?

Sheila

They called to say that the burial plot next to me and daddy just became available.

Kat

Wait, how does a burial plot just become available?

Sheila

Well, they said the police wouldn't let them comment on ongoing investigations, but they assured me he's not going back in. And since you don't have a husband to be buried next to, you should scoop this one up.

Kat

So, yeah. I'm throwing a Cat-A-Versary party because the café's been open a year. Can you believe it? It's a fundraiser for the humane society. There'll be cats in costumes and a photo booth and kettle corn.

Carter

Oh, kettle corn? You should've led with that. I'm in.

Kat

Great. So how's tall and grumpy doing?

Carter

Oh, he's a pure delight around me. But when I mentioned you earlier, he clenched his fists so hard, he broke the soda gun.

Kat

Well, I am undeterred. Hey, Max. I would love to see you at my Cat-A-Versary party. Carter's going to be there. My mom's coming. She's auditioning for the musical "Cats" at the community theater, so she's been spending a lot of time at the café to research cat behavior.

Kat

Here's your coffee, mother.

Kat

Look, I get that you're still upset with me for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend while on sleeping medication not prescribed to me, but-- Oh, men's room? Still undeterred. Deterred. Definitely deterred.

Kat

Wow! That looks amazing.

Thanks. I've been doing squats.

Sheila

Katherine, please help me get this feline off my lap.

Kat

Oh, Mr. Mousekers never falls asleep in someone's lap.

Sheila

Well, he's been here quite a while, and now I have to use the ladies' room, and his weight is pressing on my bladder.

Kat

Please don't bring up his weight. He just got his confidence back up. Mr. Mousekers! Uh-oh.

Sheila

What's wrong?

Kat

Mommy?

Sheila

Yes?

Kat

I don't think Mr. Mousekers is sleeping.

Phil

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the oven just crapped out. I mean, honestly, can you think of anything worse to happen before our Cat-A-Versary party?

Sheila

Hello.

Kat

Hello, mother.

Sheila

He's all you've talked about the last couple of days, and you seem to be finding reasons to go see him.

Kat

Well, he's actively targeting me.

Kat

You can't drive with an expired license.

Sheila

Watch me, 4 eyes.

Kat

Give me your keys.

Sheila

If you want my keys, you'll have to take them.

Phil

Dang, that made my neck tingle.

Kat

Alright, thank you all for coming. Got a big announcement.

Carter

You getting a haircut?

Randi

You really think she asked all of us here at 7:00 AM to tell us that she's getting a haircut?

Carter

That's what I would do.

Sheila

I know what it is. She's finally coming out. Everyone pay me.

Kat

Mother, I'm not gay.

Kat

Were you applying for a job at the firm of liar liar and pants on fire?

Sheila

That's just it. When I was younger, I was all of those things. I mean, I was a working woman in a time when it was very hard to be taken seriously, and I took pride in showing the world that, pretty girls could contribute to. I was just as good as any of those agos.