Randi quotes from Call Me Kat

Oh. You're early. Or I'm late. Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here. Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed. Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.

Katherine?!

Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Tara's renewing her vows. I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because your best friend's getting 2 weddings, and you've never had one. (whispering) And you're 39.

(whispering) Why are we whispering?

[The scene cuts right to Kat in the kitchen with her coffee on the table.]

Oh. Thought I had more time. My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.

(crying) I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

(crying) I think I want to open a cat café.

[The scene cuts right to Kat talking about a cat café.]

So, I did. I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have 2 great employees who are super helpful.

[The scene cuts right to Kat, Phil, and Randi at the cat café.]

Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat, gets an extra paid sick day.

How about pudding, 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?

Randi

How about firework, 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?

Ooh! I like that.

That's pretty good.

[The scene cuts right to Kat sitting on the couch with her pet cat.]

I think he's purr-fect. Now on with our show.

S1 E1 Plus One

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Well, the governor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.

Randi

Uh, why does the governor think that?

Well, my boyfriend, Preston, and I were having dinner with him and his wife, but I kept leaving the dinner table to go to the bathroom to check my phone. Apparently, my daughter doesn't know the most important rule of traveling.

Keep your passport in your underwear?

Randi

How many things do you keep in there, Phil?

The rule is, call your mother when you land. I mean, she should have gotten to Puerto Rico 3 hours ago. Have either of you heard from her?

Randi

We have not. But then again, we've been trying to avoid her.

Well, I left Preston at the governor's mansion, so I don't know. I'm just going to sit here and stare at my phone. Oh, may I have a sweet tea, please?

Sure. And just to let you know, it's pay what you can night.

Oh, that's fun.

S1 E3 Vacation

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Mother, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? Use your logic.

Severing our relationship?

Freshening things up. This is the Pantone Color of the Year: Classic Blue.

First of all, that is University of Kentucky Blue. That is the cruelest thing you can do to a cards fan. And second of all, you have no right to just change things in my home without asking.

But blue is supposed to be calming.

Do I look calm?! Do I sound calm?!

Trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it. Grab a brush.

[Kat paints Sheila blue with her paint roller.]

Katherine!

Well, trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it.

[Kat and Sheila are both having a paint fight at the cat café.]

Help! Help! Elder abuse! Someone help me!

She's an elder and she's abusing me! You get back here!

WWyatt

"Go to a cat café.", I said to myself. It'll be a calm place to get some work done.

[Kat and Sheila are both having a paint fight around the cat café.]

Randi

Now, that reminds me of when my mom used to chase me around the house with a hair brush.

S1 E4 Therapy

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I'm back.

Oh, Phil, I have huge news.

You finally kissed Max in your dream.

Less huge. You just missed a customer who asked if you could make your lemon chiffon cake for his wedding.

Are you squeezing my piping bag? Somebody wants to eat my cake as an extension of their love?

Does the phrase, "Eat my cake!", sound dirty to anyone else?

Randi

Did you not just hear squeezing my piping bag?

Here's his information. As soon as we calculate the price for the larger cake, I'll call and confirm.

Get ready for the wedding cake of your life. Lane Gaffney?! Oh, no!

Are you okay, Phil?

Randi

Yeah, you look pale. I mean, paler than usual.

Lane Gaffney is the name of the boy Marty left me for.

Well, I'm sure it's got to be a different Lane Gaffney. I bet that he wrote his name wrong because when he introduced himself, he said his name was Wayne Staffney.

S1 E5 Cake

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What's wrong, sugar? I meant you, Randi, not the actual sugar. But, how are you, sugar? Now, back to you, Randi.

Randi

Daniel was supposed to be my model for a photography project at school. But now he has to leave town for work. Damn, I wish I wasn't dating a man who has a job. Oh, wait. I didn't mean it. I take that back, Lord.

You could ask Max to pose for you. He should be a model anyway.

Randi

The theme of the project is modern masculinity. Daniel is the first black partner at his law firm. Max is just a hot white bartender.

I see your point. I'd still do him. But I see your point. I tell you who else should be a model, this cake pop. Where are you going with those pretty little sprinkles on you? Paris and Milan? Well, smell you.

S1 E10 Business Council

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Hey.

Hey.

I'm, uh, literally sore, like I worked out last night, like I did leg day.

Can you stop smiling at me like that? You're making me feel exposed.

I'll try. Nope, not possible. And I have class tonight, so I won't see you, but I will be thinking of you and thinking of last night.

Well, I can't stop you from thinking, so think away. Randi, Randi, can I run a moral quandary by you? You know how I had that salsa lesson with Max last night?

Randi

Uh-huh.

Well, afterward, I had a particularly sensual consensual evening with Oscar.

Randi

Kat, we're roomies. I heard everything. It sounded like y'all was installing hardwood floors in there.

Okay. Not embarrassed by that at all. Well, I'm feeling a little guilty because I think I may have transferred some of the spiciness of salsa with Max to Oscar. It was just rea--

[Randi sprays water on Kat's face with her water spray bottle.]

What was that for?

Randi

I told you, you were playing with fire. I had to put you out.

Okay. But I don't want to be with Max. I want to be with Oscar.

Randi

The problem is, you didn't tell Oscar that you were dancing with Max or getting heated up by Max. And unless you're planning a surprise party, you should hide nothing from your partner.

Okay. But, what...

[Randi sprays water on Kat's face with her water spray bottle, again.]

Randi

Nothing.

S1 E12 Salsa

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Randi

Kat, he was old, but you gave him a great life. Every time he would lay on your laptop, you would just stop working so he could sleep there.

And then you bought him his own computer so he could lay right by you.

Randi

Which I'd like to call dibs on. Not the time.

I just have that same heavy feeling in my heart that I had when my dad died. And, disturbing coincidence, they both died on top of my mother.

Well, just remind yourself it's a cat and not a person.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I know it's a cat and not a person. A cat that I loved very deeply. The first cat I rescued. The only cat who knew how to pee on a potty. And do you know who taught him to do that? No one. He learned just by observing human behavior. He was that smart.

Okay, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm gonna go upstairs for a little bit. Alone. Randi, I'm having Mr. Mousekers cremated. Can you pick up his ashes later today?

Randi

There's nothing I'd rather do. Well, there are some things, but once again, not the time.

And I'm gonna cancel the party. I don't even care if I don't get my deposit back on that ice cat sculpture.

I didn't want to burst her bubble, but I'm the one who taught that cat to pee on the toilet.

S1 E13 Cat-A-Versary

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What happened?

Randi

He found out my middle name.

(gasps) That rat bastard!

Randi

I just don't need him knowing every little detail about my life.

Well, I like when people know every little detail about my life. I wish I could wear one of those medical bracelets, but, instead of allergies, it would have fun facts about Kat. I'd call them Kat Facts.

S2 E2 Call Me By My Middle Name

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Randi

But, okay. I hear you. Maybe I did jump on you a little bit.

Carter

I've seen a lion be more gentle with a gazelle.

S2 E5 Call Me Your Biggest Fan

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Randi, did you see what he did with the cups?

Randi

Yes, I saw what he did with the cups. I saw what he did with the straws. I saw what he did with the napkins. Nothing in this café is where it's supposed to be.

S2 E7 Call Me Cupcake

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On the truck, I like to say "Organization equals optimization!".

Randi

Who does he say that to? He drives alone.

S2 E7 Call Me Cupcake

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