Carter quotes from Call Me Kat

Carter

The bottom line is, I'm sorry.

Carter

Yeah!

Kat

One root beer, please.

Max

I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Kat

Not the first time that's happened. Due to my low, resonant voice, I often get mistaken for a man on the phone. And once on video chat.

Max

Oh, I am so sorr-- Kat?

Kat

Max? (laughing) No way! Hot Max?

Max

Oh.

Kat

That was meant for you. So, how are you? What are you doing with your life?

Max

I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job so I'd have an answer to questions like that.

Carter

Hey, do not let her behind the bar. She likes to play with the soda gun.

Kat

I wasn't playing with it. I was inventing a new drink.

Carter

I don't go to your café and invent new cats. You know what list you're on.

Kat

It's not a good list.

Carter

Sorry to hear that. When did you guys break up?

Phil

4 months ago.

Carter

I feel you, man. I just got my divorce papers Thursday. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

Phil

Mmm, bless your heart.

Carter

She was always like, you're never around. You're out at that bar every night. Because I own the bar. You knew that when you met me in the bar.

Phil

Marty was the opposite. He used to say, "You don't want to go anywhere.". But I liked being home and tending to my garden. And I cannot be away from my sourdough starter for longer than 12 hours.

Carter

You gotta feed the beast.

Phil

You gotta feed the beast.

Carter

All right, little man. You download the app I told you about?

Phil

I did, but I'm so anxious. I'm sweating through my Dolly Parton longjohns.

Max

Oh, is it that neighborhood app? Oh, that stresses me out, too. Is it a million raccoons or are we all seeing the same raccoon?

Carter

No, I'm helping Phil put all his bills on auto pay.

Phil

This bitch is going digital!

Carter

All right, Phil, you press here, you'll see all your charges from last month. Damn, Phil, $3,500 on hearing aids?! Can't you just be like old-fashioned and hold up a funnel to your ear?

Phil

Well, I didn't buy 'em for me. I bought 'em for Henry.

Max

Who's Henry?

Phil

He's a gentleman I met on Silver Shepherds. It's a dating app for gay Christian seniors.

Max

Aw, good for you, Phil. It warms my heart to know you're out there rustling up some hot shepherd tail.

Phil

Well, we haven't actually met in person. We just chat on the phone.

Max

Oh, so just a little phone sex?

Phil

You better walk that dirty mind back! Maybe a little.

Kat

So, I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck, which is really problematic, because I took a sip of the coffee. Got that all sorted out. And then, when I turned the key in my truck to hightail it out of there, the perfect getaway song just happened to be playing on the radio.

No way. You're a Swiftie.

Carter

Don't call it that. But, yeah.

Kat

Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone".

Max

That's much better.

Carter

Debatable.

Phil

Kat, you have got to be careful. The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for.

Kat

Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. He tried to sell me 2 snakes. That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. I know snake math!

Carter

CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. I said, not till you get your grades up. And it's still no.

Max

What's up with his grades?

Carter

They're not up. Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework. And he says, "I want to live with mom full time!". Then I put on some T Swift and think about my life.

Kat

Wait. Max can help CJ.

Max

I would love to help. I was voted teacher of the year when I taught in that remote village in Burma. I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, but I still think I would have gotten it.

Kat

So, yeah. I'm throwing a Cat-A-Versary party because the café's been open a year. Can you believe it? It's a fundraiser for the humane society. There'll be cats in costumes and a photo booth and kettle corn.

Carter

Oh, kettle corn? You should've led with that. I'm in.

Kat

Great. So how's tall and grumpy doing?

Carter

Oh, he's a pure delight around me. But when I mentioned you earlier, he clenched his fists so hard, he broke the soda gun.

Kat

Well, I am undeterred. Hey, Max. I would love to see you at my Cat-A-Versary party. Carter's going to be there. My mom's coming. She's auditioning for the musical "Cats" at the community theater, so she's been spending a lot of time at the café to research cat behavior.

Kat

Here's your coffee, mother.

Kat

Look, I get that you're still upset with me for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend while on sleeping medication not prescribed to me, but-- Oh, men's room? Still undeterred. Deterred. Definitely deterred.

Kat

Wow! That looks amazing.

Thanks. I've been doing squats.

Sheila

Katherine, please help me get this feline off my lap.

Kat

Oh, Mr. Mousekers never falls asleep in someone's lap.

Sheila

Well, he's been here quite a while, and now I have to use the ladies' room, and his weight is pressing on my bladder.

Kat

Please don't bring up his weight. He just got his confidence back up. Mr. Mousekers! Uh-oh.

Sheila

What's wrong?

Kat

Mommy?

Sheila

Yes?

Kat

I don't think Mr. Mousekers is sleeping.

Phil

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the oven just crapped out. I mean, honestly, can you think of anything worse to happen before our Cat-A-Versary party?

Randi

But, okay. I hear you. Maybe I did jump on you a little bit.

Carter

I've seen a lion be more gentle with a gazelle.

Kat

I'm really sorry.

Carter

This day sucks.

Carter

I don't know how you got out of that math department a lot.

Kat

Right. I'm just saying that one day I finally realized that I had started a whole new chapter of my life and I was happy. I didn't need to keep obsessing about everything that was going on there because it just had nothing to do with me anymore. Are you happy?

Carter

I am!

Kat

What is going on?!

Carter

This food has been living down here.

Max

Hey.

Randi

Seriously, am I the only one who didn't know about the damn basement?

Randi

What?!

Carter

Well, just stop texting Daniel!

Randi

Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?!

Carter

I don't know. I don't want to lose you. Okay?

Randi

Why do you think you're going to lose me?

Carter

Because you're out of my league in every way possible.

Randi

Well, that's the first smart thing you said all night, but you're not gonna lose me.

Carter

Well, how did I know that?

Randi

Because I love you, dumbass.

Kat

Alright, thank you all for coming. Got a big announcement.

Carter

You getting a haircut?

Randi

You really think she asked all of us here at 7:00 AM to tell us that she's getting a haircut?

Carter

That's what I would do.

Sheila

I know what it is. She's finally coming out. Everyone pay me.

Kat

Mother, I'm not gay.

Phil

She's definitely not gay. My gaydar never fails. Except with Anderson Cooper. How did I miss that?

Kat

Anyway, thank you all for being here. You're basically my family, even you, mother. So, here's my big news. I'm gonna have a baby!

Max

What?

Phil

How?

Carter

When?

Randi

Why?

Max

I'd like to circle back. What?

Kat

Uh, the correct response is "Yay, Kat! We're so happy for you!".

Carter

I'm really sorry about it earlier. I guess I put the ass in Christmas. I'm so stressed about money.

Randi

Why do you want a fancy beer tap anyway?