Max quotes from Call Me Kat

Max

Phil! That is my foot!

Max

We can't watch the Super Bowl on something that small. It would just be, the bowl.

Max

Snowball. Off. Not a toy.

Kat

One root beer, please.

Max

I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Kat

Not the first time that's happened. Due to my low, resonant voice, I often get mistaken for a man on the phone. And once on video chat.

Max

Oh, I am so sorr-- Kat?

Kat

Max? (laughing) No way! Hot Max?

Max

Oh.

Kat

That was meant for you. So, how are you? What are you doing with your life?

Max

I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job so I'd have an answer to questions like that.

Carter

Hey, do not let her behind the bar. She likes to play with the soda gun.

Kat

I wasn't playing with it. I was inventing a new drink.

Carter

I don't go to your café and invent new cats. You know what list you're on.

Kat

It's not a good list.

Carter

All right, little man. You download the app I told you about?

Phil

I did, but I'm so anxious. I'm sweating through my Dolly Parton longjohns.

Max

Oh, is it that neighborhood app? Oh, that stresses me out, too. Is it a million raccoons or are we all seeing the same raccoon?

Carter

No, I'm helping Phil put all his bills on auto pay.

Phil

This bitch is going digital!

Carter

All right, Phil, you press here, you'll see all your charges from last month. Damn, Phil, $3,500 on hearing aids?! Can't you just be like old-fashioned and hold up a funnel to your ear?

Phil

Well, I didn't buy 'em for me. I bought 'em for Henry.

Max

Who's Henry?

Phil

He's a gentleman I met on Silver Shepherds. It's a dating app for gay Christian seniors.

Max

Aw, good for you, Phil. It warms my heart to know you're out there rustling up some hot shepherd tail.

Phil

Well, we haven't actually met in person. We just chat on the phone.

Max

Oh, so just a little phone sex?

Phil

You better walk that dirty mind back! Maybe a little.

Kat

So, I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck, which is really problematic, because I took a sip of the coffee. Got that all sorted out. And then, when I turned the key in my truck to hightail it out of there, the perfect getaway song just happened to be playing on the radio.

No way. You're a Swiftie.

Carter

Don't call it that. But, yeah.

Kat

Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone".

Max

That's much better.

Carter

Debatable.

Phil

Kat, you have got to be careful. The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for.

Kat

Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. He tried to sell me 2 snakes. That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. I know snake math!

Carter

CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. I said, not till you get your grades up. And it's still no.

Max

What's up with his grades?

Carter

They're not up. Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework. And he says, "I want to live with mom full time!". Then I put on some T Swift and think about my life.

Kat

Wait. Max can help CJ.

Max

I would love to help. I was voted teacher of the year when I taught in that remote village in Burma. I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, but I still think I would have gotten it.

Kat

Hey.

Max

Hey.

Kat

That's what's changed. I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend.

Max

Okay. Okay. But, what's wrong with me, not wanting to lose you?

Kat

Max, I've been considering blowing up my entire relationship with a guy who makes me really, really, happy. You know what? I was gonna do that for a fantasy like: "I don't even believe you can fly!", but I know that Oscar has at least 2 kinds of mustard.

Kat

What is going on?!

Carter

This food has been living down here.

Max

Hey.

Randi

Seriously, am I the only one who didn't know about the damn basement?

Kat

Now, Thor, some of the exhibits on early humans will feature some tasteful nudity.

Max

So try not to stare.

Kat

And definitely, no touching. Learned that the hard way.

Max

Grade school field trip?

Kat

Last month.

Max

So, that's why the security guard keeps following us.

Kat

Look at you. Good with babies.

Max

To be fair, I do the same thing with Carter when he's cranky. Do you want to hold him?

Kat

Oh, no thanks. The only, tiny, whiny thing I like is Phil.

Kat

I'm gonna go to the restroom before we hit the gem and mineral exhibit, because we are going to be there a long time. I get very fired up about igneous rocks. Lava, fire. But, when you see the plaque, you're going to erupt with laughter.

Max

Stop it.

Kat

Okay. That was the last one. I promise.

Phil

She's definitely not gay. My gaydar never fails. Except with Anderson Cooper. How did I miss that?

Kat

Anyway, thank you all for being here. You're basically my family, even you, mother. So, here's my big news. I'm gonna have a baby!

Max

What?

Phil

How?

Carter

When?

Randi

Why?

Max

I'd like to circle back. What?

Kat

Uh, the correct response is "Yay, Kat! We're so happy for you!".

Kat

This is from you?

Max

I had it made for the baby. You know, silver king bird. Silver Bird.

Kat

A Silver Bird Production.

Max

Yeah, because I was gonna be the dad and you're gonna do the...

Kat

So, last night was fun. But, also stuff that friends don't normally do.

Max

Yeah. Yeah. Are we friends who just had a crazy night or are we...

Max

Hidden figures? It's about ladies who do math for the space program.

Kat

I know. Say it again.