Kat quotes from Call Me Kat

Kat

Not true.

Kat

Oh, hey.

Kat

Oh. You'll get there. I mean, there's water aerobics tomorrow at 9:00. Try not to make jokes about Charlie Speedo. It covers less than I thought.

Kat

No! We're gonna sneak in this locked gate. Uh, whoa. Rebellious much. Climb this bad boy.

Kat

Oh, there you are in the same clothes as you wore yesterday.

Kat

Oh. You're early. Or I'm late. Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here. Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed. Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.

Sheila

Katherine?!

Kat

Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Sheila

Tara's renewing her vows. I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Kat

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Sheila

Because your best friend's getting 2 weddings, and you've never had one. (whispering) And you're 39.

Kat

(whispering) Why are we whispering?

Kat

Oh. Thought I had more time. My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.

Sheila

(crying) I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Kat

(crying) I think I want to open a cat café.

Kat

So, I did. I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have 2 great employees who are super helpful.

Kat

Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat, gets an extra paid sick day.

Phil

How about pudding, 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?

Randi

How about firework, 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?

Phil

Ooh! I like that.

Kat

That's pretty good.

Kat

I think he's purr-fect. Now on with our show.

Kat

One root beer, please.

Max

I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Kat

Not the first time that's happened. Due to my low, resonant voice, I often get mistaken for a man on the phone. And once on video chat.

Max

Oh, I am so sorr-- Kat?

Kat

Max? (laughing) No way! Hot Max?

Max

Oh.

Kat

That was meant for you. So, how are you? What are you doing with your life?

Max

I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job so I'd have an answer to questions like that.

Carter

Hey, do not let her behind the bar. She likes to play with the soda gun.

Kat

I wasn't playing with it. I was inventing a new drink.

Carter

I don't go to your café and invent new cats. You know what list you're on.

Kat

It's not a good list.

Kat

No, that's quite enough.

Sheila

You can't handle it.

Kat

Give it to me.

Sheila

I don't think you should...

Kat

Mom, stop.

Kat

My pantsuit!

Kat

Mother, what are you doing?

Sheila

What does it look like I'm doing? Use your logic.

Kat

Severing our relationship?

Sheila

Freshening things up. This is the Pantone Color of the Year: Classic Blue.

Kat

First of all, that is University of Kentucky Blue. That is the cruelest thing you can do to a cards fan. And second of all, you have no right to just change things in my home without asking.

Sheila

But blue is supposed to be calming.

Kat

Do I look calm?! Do I sound calm?!

Sheila

Trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it. Grab a brush.

Sheila

Katherine!

Kat

Well, trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it.

Sheila

Help! Help! Elder abuse! Someone help me!

Kat

She's an elder and she's abusing me! You get back here!

"Go to a cat café.", I said to myself. It'll be a calm place to get some work done.

Randi

Now, that reminds me of when my mom used to chase me around the house with a hair brush.

Phil

I'm back.

Kat

Oh, Phil, I have huge news.

Phil

You finally kissed Max in your dream.

Kat

Less huge. You just missed a customer who asked if you could make your lemon chiffon cake for his wedding.

Phil

Are you squeezing my piping bag? Somebody wants to eat my cake as an extension of their love?

Kat

Does the phrase, "Eat my cake!", sound dirty to anyone else?

Randi

Did you not just hear squeezing my piping bag?

Kat

Here's his information. As soon as we calculate the price for the larger cake, I'll call and confirm.

Phil

Get ready for the wedding cake of your life. Lane Gaffney?! Oh, no!

Kat

Are you okay, Phil?

Randi

Yeah, you look pale. I mean, paler than usual.

Phil

Lane Gaffney is the name of the boy Marty left me for.

Kat

Well, I'm sure it's got to be a different Lane Gaffney. I bet that he wrote his name wrong because when he introduced himself, he said his name was Wayne Staffney.

Kat

I need to cancel my membership.

Do you want to transfer your membership to another location?

Kat

Do I want to eat glass for fun? The answer's no. I just want to cancel.

Well, we require a 2-month notice to cancel, and you just joined last week.

Kat

Here's the thing, Kyle. I joined this gym because I thought I was gonna get my picture in the paper. But it turns out, that's not happening. And that's okay because I also realized that your jingle just doesn't apply to me, because I was the me, I've always dreamed of, before I started coming here. So, I know this is hard on the both of us, but you got to let me go, Kyle.

Sorry, the cancellation clause is very clear.

Kat

Okay. Well, I'm, I'm guessing there were some other clauses in there, too, as well. Like an inappropriate conduct clause which might require you to kick somebody out if they say, uh, threw all your pens on the floor. Or, uh, uh, what if I sexy-danced with every gym friend that comes in here? Like this gym friend. You need a sexy dance. You need a sexy dance. You need. No? No? Okay. Still nothing? Uh, what if I were to, uh, start doing the dolphin, like, right in the middle of your lobby for no apparent reason?

Sheila

Katherine?

Kat

Mother? You're a member of this gym, too?

Kat

Alexa, remind me to call my mother every day at 6:00 PM.

Okay. I'll remind you every day at 6:00 PM.

Sheila

Isn't that wonderful? Now you won't have to worry about forgetting.

Kat

My mother decided to give me my birthday present 3 months early. I suspect so she could feel appreciated longer.

Sheila

She can help you keep your calendar, make your grocery list.

Kat

Alexa, make a fart sound.

Okay. Here's the big fart.

Sheila

Oh, Katherine. Really?!

Kat

Hey, you don't get to control my relationship with Alexa just because you introduced us. We like to have fun. Okay? We're silly.

Sheila

You're also almost 40 years old. Oh. That reminds me. The cemetery called.

Kat

Oh, my gosh, they come calling now. How long did they give you?

Sheila

They called to say that the burial plot next to me and daddy just became available.

Kat

Wait, how does a burial plot just become available?

Sheila

Well, they said the police wouldn't let them comment on ongoing investigations, but they assured me he's not going back in. And since you don't have a husband to be buried next to, you should scoop this one up.

Phil

Seems like you're ready for your big date. I just came up for an outfit check.

Kat

Oh, you don't have to tell me I look good, because I know I look good. You know how I know? Because I feel good. I feel like Lizzo, Gloria Steinem, and Marie Curie all rolled into one.

Phil

Well, I think those women would have taken off their mustache tape by now.

Kat

Oh, my gosh. I forgot I still had it on.

Phil

I used to help my mama with hers at the end of every winter. It's only supposed to be on a few seconds.

Kat

I just told you I forgot I had it on.

Phil

Well, how long has it been?

Kat

I don't know. I listened to that Lizzo song like 6 times. 6 times!

Phil

I know what to do.

Kat

No, you can't pull it off fast. Promise me you won't pull it off fast.

Phil

I won't pull it off fast.

Kat

Is this going to be one of those things where you say you won't pull it off fast, but then you pull it off fast?

Phil

No, I promise I won't pull it off fast.

Kat

Good, because I don't know where my skin ends and this thing begins.

Phil

We both knew how this was going to go.

Kat

We both knew!

Kat

So, I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck, which is really problematic, because I took a sip of the coffee. Got that all sorted out. And then, when I turned the key in my truck to hightail it out of there, the perfect getaway song just happened to be playing on the radio.

No way. You're a Swiftie.

Carter

Don't call it that. But, yeah.

Kat

Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone".

Max

That's much better.

Carter

Debatable.

Phil

Kat, you have got to be careful. The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for.

Kat

Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. He tried to sell me 2 snakes. That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. I know snake math!

Carter

CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. I said, not till you get your grades up. And it's still no.

Max

What's up with his grades?

Carter

They're not up. Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework. And he says, "I want to live with mom full time!". Then I put on some T Swift and think about my life.

Kat

Wait. Max can help CJ.

Max

I would love to help. I was voted teacher of the year when I taught in that remote village in Burma. I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, but I still think I would have gotten it.

Hey.

Kat

Hey.

I'm, uh, literally sore, like I worked out last night, like I did leg day.

Kat

Can you stop smiling at me like that? You're making me feel exposed.

I'll try. Nope, not possible. And I have class tonight, so I won't see you, but I will be thinking of you and thinking of last night.

Kat

Well, I can't stop you from thinking, so think away. Randi, Randi, can I run a moral quandary by you? You know how I had that salsa lesson with Max last night?

Randi

Uh-huh.

Kat

Well, afterward, I had a particularly sensual consensual evening with Oscar.

Randi

Kat, we're roomies. I heard everything. It sounded like y'all was installing hardwood floors in there.

Kat

Okay. Not embarrassed by that at all. Well, I'm feeling a little guilty because I think I may have transferred some of the spiciness of salsa with Max to Oscar. It was just rea--

Kat

What was that for?

Randi

I told you, you were playing with fire. I had to put you out.

Kat

Okay. But I don't want to be with Max. I want to be with Oscar.

Randi

The problem is, you didn't tell Oscar that you were dancing with Max or getting heated up by Max. And unless you're planning a surprise party, you should hide nothing from your partner.

Kat

Okay. But, what...

Randi

Nothing.