Ethel quotes from Brickleberry

Connie

This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.

Steve

Aww!

What a pretty name!

Connie

Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.

Malloy

"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".

Woody

Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.

Connie

What's wrong with my boobs?

Malloy

Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.

Denzel

[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!

This is going too far, Denzel!

Denzel

That baby's evil! I'll prove it!

How?

Denzel

Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.

Steve

Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.

Connie

NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]

Woody

It's just a baby, Denzel.

This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.

Malloy

Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.

Denzel

All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.

Leave the gun.

Denzel

Fine.

[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?

Steve

Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.

The preacher said you're a pussy.

Steve

What? [he punches Vernon]

What's wrong with you?

Steve

Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.

Denzel

Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!

I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?

Denzel

Rabbi Maltzman!

No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.

Denzel

And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!

Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.

Denzel

And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.

I'm not with them! I'm on your side!

Steve

Jorge, shut up.

Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!

I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Shut up!

So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?

Blowjobbed to death?

You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]

Connie

I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?

Denzel

We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!

And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!

Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!

Connie

What? NO!

Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.

Denzel

You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.

Connie

[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]

Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]

I GOT YOU NOW, JOHNSON!

Woody

God dammit! I thought the one place I'd be safe is a dark dead-end, alley!

SHUT THE HELL UP! Now, give me the 20 grand you owe me!

Woody

I have got to stop betting on Quidditch! I thought Hufflepuff was due!

You'd better pay up now or I'm gunna take a glass rod, HEAT UP UP WITH A BLOW TORCH, AND STICK IT UP YOUR-

Uh, heh heh. Just a second.

[nice and happy] Hello, deary! How's my lovely wife doing today? Oh, you need me to do the laundry? Oh, certainly, my love. I'll be right there in two shakes of a lamby's tail! Well, ta-ta for now! Hugs and kisses, sweety pie! Okay, bye-bye.

Woody

Heh, heh. Your wife makes you do the laundry?

SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PATHETIC BITCH! Now listen. You'd better cough up the $20,000 you owe me OR I'M TAKING A LONG THICK GLASS ROD, TWICE YOUR SIZE, HEATING IT UP TO 20,000 DEGREES, ONE FOR EVERY BUCK YOU OWE ME, AND I AM SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR...

[nice and sweet] Hi, baby! Oh, Scooters went pee-pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up, straight away! I love you more than rainbows! Bye bye.

SO ANYWAY, GLASS ROD, BLOW TORCH, AND IT'S GOING STRAIGHT UP YOUR-

[nice and cheery] Hi, bubblegum fairy! Ooh, you want me to pick up Hazelnut truffles from The Cheesecake Factory? Well, sure thing fluffy kitten. [meows]

NOW, WHERE WAS I!?

Woody

[choking] Glass rod? 20,000 Degrees?

Right. Thank you. ALRIGHT! I'M JUST GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE! GLASS ROD! 20,000 DEGREES! I'M GUNNA CRAM IT UP UP YOUR-

Woody

[choking] Wait! Hold on! Give me another chance! A bet! Double or nothing!

On what!?

Woody

[choking] Uh, hold on. Let me think.

I'm winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant. It's the surest bet ever.

Woody

[choking] On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant!

Okay, you're on. [pins him to the wall once more] AND WHEN YOU LOSE, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT AFOREMENTIONED MOLTEN HOT GLASS ROD AND THRUST IT 500 MILES UP YOUR-

[nice and lovely] Hi, little lamb. Eh-Leave Woody Johnson alone? Why?

Woody

[in a girly voice] Because he's a nice man.

Woody

Well, what'd she say?

Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.

Oh yeah, That's hot.

This for a magazine or something?

No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.

Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.

Steve

That's great, Ethel.

So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?

I'm here about the job?

Yeah, actually, we've already decided...

Woody

That you're hired.

Oh, goodie!

WHAT!?

Connie

Yes!

Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?

You shot my husband!

Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.

He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.

It's okay, She's hot.

[gasped] Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]

Woody

So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.

Whoa. We don't use that term here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".

Woody

Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.

Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.

Denzel

Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.

Bye, nigger!

You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.

Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".

Woody

Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.

Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.

Steve

[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.

God damn it!

[she holds a parrot] Aw, cute, cute, cute!

Be careful! I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.

Oh no, the Predator! Someone call Arnold Schwarzenigger!

That's not how you pronounce it, at all.

Hey, little birdie. you don't need to be so sad. Here. [she gave it a zoloft to parrot]

What did you just do!?

I gave it a zoloft to make him happy.

You can't give a bird zoloft!

Oh no. [giggles] That adderall will take the edge off. See?

Fly away, god's creature. [she toss a parrot onto the floor and Ethel facepalm]

Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson orphan animal sanctuary. Hello?

So, do Asian people see the world in letterbox?

Sure, sure, whatever you say.

"Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.

Woody

Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.

This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!

Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.

Woody

Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.

Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.

Woody

Sure she is. [to Amber] What job would you like, Amber?

I like the baby "aminals".

Woody

Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.

Woody, you can't do that!

Woody

Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.

Can I get something strong?

Beat it, sea world.

How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?

Woody

How about I put you in charge of getting you wall-eyed nipples away from me?

What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!

Malloy

I guess that makes Connie a 13.

Woody

Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!

Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. [she throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor] Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!

Jesus Christ. I can't believe I fell for her too. But that ass is so...no, no, no.

Amber, are you crying?

I thought you were the only one here that didn't look at me like piece of meat. I'm sick of getting by on my looks. and because I never had to work for anything, I suck at everything.

You could be a ranger, and I can help you.

Really?

It's not about looks. I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.

You think so?

Smell for yourself.

The coyote says...

A-roo!

That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.

Yay!

I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.

Oh, my god. That's a...fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber. It's time to be a great ranger! [she runs off]

Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next. We can work our scissoring.

Connie

Did someone say "scissoring"?

Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber?

Woody

Ethel, I...I think we lost her.

I did it! I saved them! [she release some animals after she save them]

Whoa.

Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.

It's not...bad. Here. Ooh, much better.

You were right, Ethel. I can be a great ranger!

So, um...thank you for your bravery, and um...

Woody

Amber, you're fired.

Oh! Because I have a couple of burns?

Woody

No, because I can see through your face.

Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside?

You know what, Woody? Amber's right. Looks or no looks, she does belong to Brickleberry. And I know the perfect place for her.

Steve

I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.

Denzel

Now you got me wanting to quit.

Steve

Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.

Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.

Denzel

We know! We all got lyme disease.

Woody

♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.

Yes!

Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.

Malloy

So is your uterus.

Woody

Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.

Denzel

So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?

Woody

Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.

Malloy

Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.

I'm winning this!

Connie

No, it's mine!

Denzel

Hands off my painted trash can lid!

Woody

Settle down, morons! Put these on.

Steve

Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.

Woody

There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.

What happened?

Steve

I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.

Connie

Steve?

Steve

Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.

We're gonna lose!

Steve

I know a shortcut.

Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."

Steve

Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!

Steve

This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.