This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
SteveAww!
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.
[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
This is going too far, Denzel!
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Steve
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
It's just a baby, Denzel.
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
DDonnie
[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Steve
Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
DDonnie
The preacher said you're a pussy.
Steve
What? [he punches Vernon]
VVernon
What's wrong with you?
Steve
Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
FQFather Quinn
I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
RMRabbi Maltzman
No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Steve
Jorge, shut up.
Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
DDonnie
I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
FQFather Quinn
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
DDonnie
So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
DDonnie
You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
VVernon
Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]
Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]
[Lyrics to I Like to Sing Acapella]
Steve
I like to sing acapella.
Steve
It makes me a most happy fella.
Steve
I sing songs loud or mellow.
Steve
All the girls’ legs turn to jello.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
Steve
I can sing like a dog.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
Steve
I can sing in the toilet.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
Steve
I can go out with Pablo.
MGMusic Group
Acapella. Hey!
[Lyrics to Best Friends Forever]
Be my be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
SWSteve, Woody, and Music Group
Best friends forever.
SWSteve and Woody
Whatever we endeavor. Our bond will never sever. No matter what so, what so ever. Best friends forever. Whatever the weather. Together whenever. When happy, sad, or in between.
Be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
Steve
Oh!
[Steve makes a phone call, where he insults Woody right in front of him]
Steve
Yeah, he's a real jerk. I can't stand him. No. He's right next to me. With his big stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.
FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE!
[Woody takes the phone and it's a preschooler telephone toy]
Steve
See what I'm dealing with?
[After Woody is vomiting at people during President Obama's party, which is cause he's allergic to crab cakes]
Oh, God, how did this happen?
Steve
Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?
You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!
Steve
You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!
Steve
Not if I kill you first!
[both fighting]
All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.
Steve
Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.
All right, Now go get' em.
Steve
[clear throats] ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪
Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!
Steve
Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.
Steve
♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪
SSecretary
Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?
SSecretary
You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.
Steve
What's your name?
SSecretary
Fuck you. That's my name.
Steve
Is that Korean?
SSecretary
Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.
It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]
SSecretary
That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?
SSecretary
Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
SSecretary
All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]
Steve
Bye, Fuck you.
[door close]
Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.
This for a magazine or something?
No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.
Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.
Steve
That's great, Ethel.
So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?
Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.
Whoa. We don't use that term here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".
Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.
Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.
Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.
You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.
Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".
Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.
Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.
[In Ethel's thought bubble, Amber's dead in hangman]
Steve
[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.
Steve
I should've known I couldn't be a cop. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.
JJonah
[offscreen] You make me proud every day, son.
Steve
[screams] Dad?
JJonah
You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was. What more could a father ask?
Steve
Didn't you ever get bored here?
JJonah
If I did, I'd just go behind the bush and masturbate.
Steve
Okay.
JJonah
Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger. Now, get out there and take your park back, and If you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.
Steve
Yes, sir.
Steve
I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
Now you got me wanting to quit.
Steve
Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.
Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.
We know! We all got lyme disease.
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Steve
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
Steve
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Steve
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
SSSteve's Camper
We're gonna lose!
Steve
I know a shortcut.
SSSteve's Camper
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Steve
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
Steve
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
