What the hell do you want, Steve?
SteveWoody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.
Steve
Well, maybe suggestions.
Steve
Well, more of a wish list, actually.
Alright, Steve. [cracking his knuckles] You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.
[Steve gulps and comes out to see the rangers]
Steve
Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.
Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?
Steve
None but this way, we'll be more careful.
[Everybody groans]
Steve
Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.
Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!
Steve
Yes I can!
Steve
Okay.
So, what's this big important news?
Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!
[Ethel gasped]
[bubbling; healing]
Oh, my God. She's completely healed.
I wonder if it cures bitch.
[bubbling]
I think my hymen just grew back.
Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.
Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.
Steve
You could have just told us.
Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.
Steve
How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!
I could get used to this.
There must be a scientific explanation.
Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.
And another reason not to believe in God.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.
Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.
Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.
Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.
Steve
Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.
Wait. You've never seen snow?
Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.
Steve
Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!
Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!
Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.
God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.
Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!
So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?
Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.
Steve
Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!
[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-
Steve
And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!
Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]
[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.
And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?
MMedium
Don't tell me about yourself. I'll tell you about yourself. You like to eat candy.
Steve
Yes!
MMedium
You don't have a girlfriend.
Steve
No!
MMedium
And you brought me here for some information on ... some subject.
Steve
Oh my God! Yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost. Where do you think he is?
MMedium
Uh,...Ooh! The graveyard!
Steve
I knew it!
Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you? This is bullshit.
MMedium
Oh, a non-believer. Well, let me go check in with the other side. [gasp] I'm sensing, your grandmother mispronounces words like "Libary" and "Baffroom".
Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.
Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.
She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.
Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.
Steve
Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!
Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.
Steve
[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]
Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.
[phone ringing]
Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.
[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.
Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?
[phone ringing]
[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!
Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?
Steve
[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?
[Connie screaming as she running around from Steve is holding a raw fish while he's chasing at her around and she's jumps to breaking out the window]
Now before we do this threesome I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.
[sheep bleats]
Aah! Ow! What the hell y'all doin'?
Evicting you for tearing up my park!?
That wasn't me, that was "Drunk Bobby". If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.
Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park!
[An old air conditioner falls down with a piece of paper goes off and onto the ground]
Steve
Huh. This looks like it's from the olden times. What is it?
How am I supposed to know what the hell is? It's got words and shit on it.
Steve
Wow...1880's, da da da. Civil War...Your cousin..."Reginald Wooten Possumcods"... Oh, my god. According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.
Wooo!! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer?
Give me that! Ooh...Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park!
Don't get more official than that.
Steve
That's not what it says. It says right here Bobby owns the park, and..[Woody kicks him]
Oh, I know what it says now. It says get the hell off my property!
Steve
[via computer voice] People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.
[swipes the stick away from Steve] Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.
Steve
Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.
[referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!
Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.
AAnnouncer
Competing for team Brickleberry, the Swiss Fist...Magnus Blickensderfer!
[crowd cheering; applause]
AAnnouncer
And for team Yellowstone, the ranger of danger, Steve Williams!
Steve
What's up, bitches?
[crowd groans; in disgusted]
[gasped] Steve, what did you do to yourself!?
Steve
I took a shit-ton of steroids, like you told me to.
I never told you to do that.
Steve
You implied it. And now look at the Steve, he's ripped!
Steve
You have to work out? What the hell good are steroids then?
Steve
[imitating Connie] "Look at me, I'm Connie, I'm Driving. Oops! I hit something. Dum dee dum dum dum dum....BANG! Shot Malloy's parents, I'm so stupid."
Oh no! It was me. I killed Malloy's parents. I need to confess to him right now!
Steve
But those animals might kill you.
It's what I deserve! Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name or save my life.
Steve
Hmmm, not that I'm aware of...
[Connie screams as she runs off, offscreen, door closed]
Steve
Okay, Jorge, there's the line for the costume contest.
When does the furry sex commence? My sack grows tight with anticipation!
Steve
In a minute. Come on. Left, right, left. Shorten your gait. Come on.
What the...What the fuck?
Steve
Denzel could do it. What's so hard about this?
Because my eyes sting from the fumes coming from your anus. You smell like the Middle East!
Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!
SRSuper Rape
You stuck me with the bar tab.
Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.
MMan
And you mauled my kids!
Steve
In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house.
MMan
Ah, okay. [leaves happy]
Steve
All I've ever done is love you and you're nothing but a washed up, drunken, asshole! You don't deserve to wear this suit! I hate you!
I think I may be feeling regret for the first time in my life. Does regret feel like numbness in your left arm and then a crushing chest pain?
Steve
No, I think that's a heart attack.
[Has a heart attack and collapses]
[breathing heavily] Steven, I'm dying ... Again ... Take off my bear head ... so that I may look on you ... with my own eyes.
[Steve takes off his mask and reveals a pale bald guy's face]
I actually do remember meeting you at the Winn-Dixie. You were a stocky lad with a mispelled Flamey shirt.
Steve
Yeah. That was me.
I remember, Steve, because...come closer.
Steve
Yes? Tell me.
I remember because I banged your mother in the back of your station wagon. Her face was jammed into your boosted seat. When she climaxed, she inhaled three goldfish crackers. [dies]
[Steve gets mad and then drives off; He drives back and runs over Flamey multiple times]
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
