Boston Legal quotes

Denny

I'm going to take you to my spa. I'm going to empty your bucket.

Okay. We're required to turn this over to Ms. Beller and, per the rules of discovery, we'll provide it with the other one hundred thousand pages of documents that pertain to their production request.

So you're going to bury it.

No, that would be unethical. We'll simply comply… fully.

Alan

Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.

I beg your pardon?

Alan

Apple trash can is picked from God.

Huh?

Mr Shore!

Alan

Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.

Objection! I think.

Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.

Alan

[emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Alan

There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you.

Denny

Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions...you always get to choose what you want for lunch.

Alan

Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.

Denny

It's either that or die.

Denny

I hear you misplaced a client.

Alan

Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.

Denny

I misplaced a client once.

Alan

Did they ever find him?

Denny

No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.

Alan

That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.

Denny

Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.

Denny

Does that mean you're back on the market?

Shirley

Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.

Denny

We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.

Shirley

You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.

Alan

There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.

Jerry

Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.

Ivan

So basically if I screw around she gets my life.

Shirley

Not your whole life, just the parts you love.

[to Denise] So let me ask you this: in Italian does the word 'vagina' mean something else?

Ivan

I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.

Shirley

Missy came to my office today.

Ivan

Aw. So just the wine and cheese.

You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.

Alan

You have no idea.

I didn't shoot before Denny, but I will this time. I really will.

Denny

Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.

With what?

Denny

This! [takes out his gun and fires]

Alan

You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.

Denny

I never said I wouldn't shoot one.

I've had enough of all this! Mr. Crane, you had no excuse to be carrying a gun.

Denny

(To Judge Sanders) Second Amendment! Founding Fathers! You probably knew them.

Jibber Jabber!