A.D.A. Kupfer: Mr. Shore, I hope one day to speak at your funeral.

ADA Kupfer: You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.
Alan: You have no idea.

Agent Joseph Reynolds: This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Melissa: Ooopsie.

Alan Shore: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Alan Shore: Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.
Kurt Lumis: Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
Alan Shore: So you're thinking about it?
Kurt Lumis: I'm always thinking.
Alan Shore: Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
Kurt Lumis: Maybe I should.
Alan Shore: What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
Kurt Lumis: Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
Alan Shore: No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.

Alan: [talking about Bernard] He seems to take particular delight in all of this. Does he not, Catherine?
Catherine: We all do. It's fun to see pretty people fall.
Alan: Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you, he's not finished killing.
(In Judge Cooper's Chambers)

Alan: [to Denny] Ah, there you are. I've hardly seen you this episode.

Alan: And good for you, you've enlisted the one prosecutor who's running for D.A. next year. Tell me, how big was your campaign contribution? And is there a matching fund here at the firm we can all go in on?
Shirley: It was sizeable, and speak to Kim in accounting.

Alan: ��You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.
Denny: Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Alan: Denny, you're generous to a fault.

Alan: Catherine, may I ask why would you seek to befriend this man?
Catherine: Well, I felt at his core he wasn't evil. I also thought I could help him by introducing him to Jesus Christ, our Savior.
Alan: Was he open to that?
Catherine: Not terribly. He thought it would make him look like a bad Jew.

Alan: Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.
Paul: Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.

Alan: Denny, I could be wrong, but you might want to think about settling this.
Denny: You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.

Alan: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan: Where would we be...

Alan: God likes to fish?
Denny: We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves...get in touch with ourselves.

Alan: I always feel slightly sick to my stomach when I work alone in the office late at night.
Denise: I thought you liked being alone.
Alan: Oh, I love being alone. I just prefer to be alone when there's other people around.