Doing nothing is what I'll regret most. I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution. Now, in the twilight of my career, this, this mess could destroy my reputation. All because Denny cannot control his aged groin.
S2 E17...There's Fire!
Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.
Brad Chase: What?
Denny Crane: Name on the door. See ya.
[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]
BCBrad Chase
He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.
Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!
BCBrad Chase
Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.
That may be, but still...
So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.
Denny. You cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish-that is a new low, even for you.
Yeah. It is, isn't it?
Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.
KLKurt Lumis
Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
So you're thinking about it?
KLKurt Lumis
I'm always thinking.
Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
KLKurt Lumis
Maybe I should.
What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
KLKurt Lumis
Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.
S2 E18Shock and Oww!
Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]
Denny? She's asleep in all of these.
[Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?
It's no use, Alan. Nothing interests me anymore.
ROReporter on TV
Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?
That case! I want that case.
So? Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?
WPWarren Peter
I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.
Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.
Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Pre-empt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!
'Denise: You wanna try this case in the press?
Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.
Ah, Denise. Rodney King?
Rodney King. Uh, severely beaten by the police over ten years ago.
See? You remember. Why? Branding! They didn't call him Rodney King: wifebeater, alcohol abuser, who swung a tire iron at a convenience store clerk. They called him Rodney King: a motorist, a motorist: Rodney King. Brings to mind images of a jaunty man riding hat in cap in a Model-T. That's what we want. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner. Not Russell Blayney: eats them broiled, baked or fried.
S2 E19Stick It
JRAgent Joseph Reynolds
This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Ooopsie.
Ten A.M. tomorrow. And I would ask Counsel to check his sense of humor at the door. My courtroom is a temple of decorum. And I do not tolerate jibber-jabber.
You slept with him!
Did not!
You slept with him!
Did not!
You slept with him!
Well, maybe a little bit.
You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
"I want a kinder and gentler nation."
S2 E20Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
So whose ass did you have kicked?
Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.
Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Boston Legal pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.