BoJack Horseman quotes from BoJack Horseman

Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally... for life! [smooches BoJack's cheek] Let's dance!

BoJack

Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?

Todd

Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.

BoJack

Is this a quinceañera?

Todd

Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a quinceañera. Now who's racist?

Diane

Do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?

BoJack

The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

Diane

No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

BoJack

That's not all that was beneath him! ...Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

Diane

Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?

BoJack

Good Lord, that's depressing.

Diane

No, it's not.

BoJack

I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

BoJack

[groaning] Todd! I need help!

BoJack

Excuse me. [walks to two girls and a chicken girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight. And I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.

Excuse me?

BoJack

I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.

If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?

BoJack

Because I didn't think of that and now I feel stupid!

Look, I have a right to be here—

BoJack

NO!! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.

[beat] You think I'm pretty?

[live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.

Thank you, Tom.

BoJack

Hey! I met this guy!

Tom

All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

Neal

BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.

Tom

Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?

BoJack

Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

Tom

In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]

Todd

Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?

BoJack

I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.

Neal

This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!

Tom

That's right, Neal!

BoJack

You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!

Tom

Hold on. Just to clarify: since this morning, you've eaten all the muffins?

BoJack

Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself.

Neal

I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?

BoJack

Really? You, specifically, made America safer?

Tom

Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.

BoJack

I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

Tom

What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?

BoJack

...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

Princess Carolyn

BoJack, I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.

BoJack

I don't hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, I just think he's wrong about the muffins.

Neal

Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

BoJack

You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.

Neal

Great.

BoJack

And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

Todd

The reason I have called this house meeting is because—

BoJack

Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.

Todd

All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—

BoJack

Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. *sips beer* Proposal denied.

Todd

BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.

BoJack

What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.

Todd

Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.

Diane

I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.

BoJack

Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.

Todd

BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]

Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]

BoJack

Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]

Todd

Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.

Mr. Peanutbutter

[claps slowly] Well, you pulled it off, ya deviant. Get it? D-viant?

BoJack

I got it.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!

BoJack

No! [beat] How'd you figure out it was me?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D"!

BoJack

Stop leaving voicemails!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Admit it! You like my girlfriend!

BoJack

Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.

Mr. Peanutbutter

I'll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.

BoJack

Well, I have to talk to her, 'cause she's writing my book.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay. But just don't pursue her romantically? [BoJack exchange hands]

BoJack

Deal.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ha! I knew I'd get that handshake!

BoJack

I regret this already.

Princess Carolyn

You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back! Because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!

BoJack

Ohh... Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?

Princess Carolyn

Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack

Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?! I need a drink.

Princess Carolyn

No! No more drinking! You've been out of control. [cutaway to BoJack hanging out with an old man at night]

BoJack

Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos!

Princess Carolyn

That is not John Stamos! [next scene shows both of them by morning]

BoJack

Hey, Princess Carolyn! John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.

Princess Carolyn

That is not your ear! [next scene shows BoJack all by himself, upset]

BoJack

Princess Carolyn... John Stamos died! [on his knees, cries] Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos?! [back to present] That doesn't sound so bad.

Princess Carolyn

Oh, I forgot to mention—you were naked for a lot of that. [cutaway to naked BoJack pounding the grass]

BoJack

Stamoooss!!

Princess Carolyn

Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office. [cutaway to naked BoJack crying at the office]

BoJack

We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong!

BoJack

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about... you know... I feel bad... about... what happened.

Herb

So... you're apologizing?

BoJack

Yes. I'm sorry.

Herb

[casually] Okay. I don't forgive you.

BoJack

[genuinely shocked] Herb, I said I'm sorry.

Herb

Yeah, and I do not forgive you.

BoJack

Uh, not sure you get what's happening here? This could be the last time that you...

Herb

[interrupts angrily] NO! (climbing out of bed and walking to BoJack) I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that! [coughs] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay!

BoJack

[backing off] I really think that we'd both feel better if we'd just...

Herb

I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better! [coughs again]

BoJack

You have to believe me, I did everything I could.

Herb

Yeah? Then why didn't you call me? Huh? Twenty years, and you didn't call me!

BoJack

L-look, I wanted to, but I didn't think that...

Herb

Do you know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure... but you?!

BoJack

It's not my fault you got fired.

Herb

I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE JOB! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was... a friend. And you abandoned me. [walking back into bed] And I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!

Herb

You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman.

BoJack

...I don't know why I came here.

Herb

Yeah. You do.

BoJack

[sees Todd twirling car keys] Look who's not dead.

Todd

Uh, better than not dead—you were looking at Mr. Peanutbutter's driver.

BoJack

You're his driver? That's perfect! Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanubutter's inner circle.

Todd

I don't know, BoJack.

BoJack

Sure, you'll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffeur him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while you'll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we're ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles' heel, [grabs Todd menacingly] we will take him down.

Todd

Hooray... betrayal.

Hi.

BoJack

So you're the quote-unquote "person singular" that everyone's so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don't?

Uumm... Adult stuff?

BoJack

Yeah, I'm not seeing it. But that doesn't matter. Not everything's about me. And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore... but just because I don't like the idea that I can't. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions. Not just with her, with... [sighs] with everyone, really. [beat] You know, Princess Carolyn was right. You are a good listener.

Thanks.

BoJack

You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. [long beat] Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it? [Vincent tends to him with his broom hand]

Don't be sad. [strokes him] Good horsey. [continues stroking his head]

BoJack

..It actually feels kind of nice.