Diane Nguyen quotes from BoJack Horseman

Diane

Hey! There's a Cheez-It on the shelf! I knew I kept these things around for a reason.

Diane

Well, why does anything matter, right? Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, and there's no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives. Allegedly.

Diane

Idea for a new app: an undo button that can undo long amounts of time. Three months. A year. A life. One click and everything could just go back to the way it was.

Diane

[after falling down and breaking her wrist] Ow! Drugs, I thought we were friends!

Diane

Do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?

BoJack

The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

Diane

No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

BoJack

That's not all that was beneath him! ...Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

Diane

Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?

BoJack

Good Lord, that's depressing.

Diane

No, it's not.

BoJack

I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

BoJack

[groaning] Todd! I need help!

Todd

The reason I have called this house meeting is because—

BoJack

Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.

Todd

All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—

BoJack

Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. *sips beer* Proposal denied.

Todd

BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.

BoJack

What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.

Todd

Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.

Diane

I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.

BoJack

Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.

Todd

BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]

Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]

BoJack

Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]

Todd

Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.

[on Excess Hollywoo] I'm here with Hollywoo darling, Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane?

I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That's kind of the reason I got into this business.

Ha ha! You said words! Now, is it true you stay in character between takes?

Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It's been great.

Diane! Lookin' good.

Diane

Um, thanks.

Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. [referring to Watts]

Oh, thank you.

Now, where's my peanut butter?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Right over here, Q.

No, I'm looking for peanut butter.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, you mean BoJack?

If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. [Wallace Shawn comes in dressed as BoJack]

Did someone call for BoJack? [cut back to Watts and Seacrest Type]

It really cuts down on confusion.

BoJack

Uh, what the hell?!

Diane

I know, I know. But if you just listen for—

BoJack

You posted your dumb little book on the Internet?

Diane

No, I just leaked the first few chapters and people are already talking about it!

BoJack

This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are?

Diane

I know you're mad and you have every right to be, but you gotta read some of these comments. [BoJack wheezes in anger] People love you! And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book!

BoJack

Your book?!

Diane

Our book.

BoJack

Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? [stands up] It is never going to be published.

Diane

BoJack, [stands up] I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you'll see! [BoJack wheezes and takes a deep sigh]

BoJack

Maybe you're right.

Diane

Really?

BoJack

No. You're fired.

Diane

Ugh. The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she's basically just a stunted 20-year-old.

Kelsey

Well, BoJack's stunted, too. He got famous in his twenties, so he'll be in his twenties forever. After you get famous, you stop growing, you don't have to. Every celebrity has an age of stagnation.

Diane

I'm glad I never got famous. I mean, I did write a best-selling book, but I'm not famous-famous.

Kelsey

It doesn't just happen when you get famous. Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing. For most, it's when they get married, settle into a routine. You meet someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants you to change, and then you never change.

Diane

But mostly it's just the famous people, right?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Um... do you want to talk about what happened?

Diane Nguyen

What happened? No. I don't want to talk about what happened. I just want to clean up.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay.

Diane Nguyen

Why, what do you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

I just...

Diane Nguyen

Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to, and I said Tony Curtis died.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Uh...

Diane Nguyen

And you said, "Did he?"

Mr. Peanutbutter

Right, but...

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said "Really? I'm not sure about that."

Mr. Peanutbutter

Yeah.

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "Well I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."

Mr. Peanutbutter

Uh huh.

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead." And you said, "Let's check the internet!"

Mr. Peanutbutter

No, I know, but...

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "We don't need to check the internet, I'm telling you, he's dead." And you said, "Let's just check though."

Diane Nguyen

Is that what you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

So, do you want to talk about it? Because it kind of feels like you want to talk about it.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Let me talk to one of the locals! I want to hear someone else talk about what a selfless hero my wife is!

Diane

Oh, uhh...

Mr. Peanutbutter

Aw, now come on!

Diane

[gets off the couch] Most of the refugees got their tongues cut out.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Find one with a tongue!

Diane

I don't think that's really--

Mr. Peanutbutter

Indulge me!

Diane

Okay... [in a softer voice] Hello... I am refugee from village.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Hey, what's your name, superstar?

Diane

[walks to the kitchen] Uh... my name is...

Diane

..Coffee Maker? [slaps herself and grunts]

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ah, Kofi Makir? Am I pronouncing that right?

BoJack

Now, lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that's going to ruin my career.

Well, there's no reason to sulk about it.

Diane

Or, you could sulk about it.

BoJack

Diane does raise some good points.

Todd

[talks about joining Shenanigags] I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the main stage with the chosen ones.

Diane

Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult. [sticks a knife in a beer can, pulls tab and drinks the side]

Todd

What?! No! It's not a cult. It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. [Diane exhales]

BoJack

It's a cult, and I know what I'm talking about. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. 'Cause coincidentally during that year I happened to read a book about cults.

BoJack

[Todd trips into huge pile of beer cans] Boo! Party foul! You knocked over Bucking-can Palace.

Todd

Uh, sorry, I'll clean that up later.

BoJack

Listen to this guy, "clean it up later." He hasn't picked up his shit in years.

Diane

Pick up your shit, Todd!

BoJack

[talks to Diane about Mr. Peanutbutter] Why won't you go home?

Diane

I should. I know I should. I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything. He would just say, "How was your day?" And then he would say, "Hey, did you know the monorail was invented by George Monorail?" And I would say, "I don't think that's true." And he would say, "Well, if he didn't invent it, he certainly perfected it." And I wouldn't have to say "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I made things so difficult. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was." I would just say, "My day was good." And he would say, "I love you." [BoJack pauses for a beat]

BoJack

You know the longer you keep lying to him, the harder it's gonna get.