BoJack Horseman quotes from BoJack Horseman

BoJack

Uh, what the hell?!

Diane

I know, I know. But if you just listen for—

BoJack

You posted your dumb little book on the Internet?

Diane

No, I just leaked the first few chapters and people are already talking about it!

BoJack

This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are?

Diane

I know you're mad and you have every right to be, but you gotta read some of these comments. [BoJack wheezes in anger] People love you! And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book!

BoJack

Your book?!

Diane

Our book.

BoJack

Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? [stands up] It is never going to be published.

Diane

BoJack, [stands up] I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you'll see! [BoJack wheezes and takes a deep sigh]

BoJack

Maybe you're right.

Diane

Really?

BoJack

No. You're fired.

BoJack

[reads "Dr. Allen Hu" calling card] Oh, it's Hu, Dr. Hu!

That's right. Dr. Hu, Dr. Allen Hu.

BoJack

No, no, but I thought it was Who, like Doctor Who.

Yes, that's exactly what it's like.

BoJack

No, not H-U, but Who, like, "Hello? Who is it?"

Umm, I don't know. Who is it? [to Sarah Lynn] I'm s— I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? 'Cause I just don't...

Sarah Lynn

Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks, so he'll leave me alone.

BoJack

Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?

Todd

Ah! Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Doctor Who!

Yes?

BoJack

No. Yes! Thank you, Doctor Who!

Yes?

Todd

I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.

BoJack

What? No, that's Dr. Quinn!

Todd

Who's Dr. Quinn?

I most certainly am not.

Sarah Lynn

Hu's not Dr. Quinn, Hu's Dr. Hu!

Todd

I don't know!

Third base!

Sarah Lynn

Hey, this isn't fair! I don't have a gun!

BoJack

Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!

Todd

LET THEM EAT GUNS!

BoJack

What do you want, Mom?

Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.

BoJack

Do you need more blood?

I don't need blood. I read your book, BoJack.

BoJack

[pause] Oh.

It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank.

BoJack

That was a diary.

I read the parts about me. The things I said to you. You must think I'm a real monster.

BoJack

Mom—

I don't want to fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you that I know. I know you want to be happy, but you won't be, and... I'm sorry.

BoJack

What?

It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we... well... you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside of you. You were born broken, that's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects... your books and your movies and your little girlfriends, but it won't make you whole. You're BoJack Horseman. There's no cure for that.

Princess Carolyn

[having a conversation with BoJack] Hey, do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits? Why would you serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.

BoJack

What are you doing here? You didn't even know Herb.

Princess Carolyn

No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, [see Sarah Lynn quarrel over taking Malala Yousafzai's Nobel Prize] that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes—I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.

BoJack

There's so much to hate about what you just said.

BoJack

Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?

Probably not since the show ended.

Yeah, I left California pretty much right after. Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle! That's a lie. We're actually in Olympia.

And I'm on the West End, playing Juliet's... nurse.

Sarah Lynn

And how are your kids?

Oh, I don't have any kids.

Sarah Lynn

Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids, 'cause, you know... your body?

BoJack

Come on, Sarah Lynn...

I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt. [Sarah Lynn and Bradley cry out in shock]

BoJack

Jesus Christ, Joelle!

That's an okay thing to say in England.

Sarah Lynn

Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!

BoJack

[meets Daniel Radcliffe] Hey, Daniel, good to see you.

Always nice to meet a fan!

BoJack

No, I... sorry, I'm not a... I'm an actor.

Oh, good for you! It's a dreadful business, but hang in there.

BoJack

No, I already did hang in there. I'm BoJack Horseman? We've actually met before. At Chris Martin's holiday party?

[dubious] Hm?

BoJack

We stepped outside for a smoke? To get away from Chris Martin?

Huh...

BoJack

You opened up about your fear of success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?

And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?

BoJack

BoJack Horseman.

Oh, I'm sorry. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people. [a shrivelled bird woman enters]

Sorry, we need you guys back on set.

Hey! You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago. Veronica, right?

Yeah, that's right. [Daniel walks off with her]

How was your mother's party in the end? [BoJack groans]

Mr. Peanutbutter

[to BoJack in the rain live on-show] All I ever wanted was to be your friend... and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?

BoJack

Mr. Peanutbutter—

Mr. Peanutbutter

No, tell me.

BoJack

..Because... I'm jealous.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ugh, of what? Diane?

BoJack

No. O-of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?

BoJack

I... want to feel good about myself... the way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.

[holds an umbrella] Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?

BoJack

I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Wow, um... I don't know if I can forgive you. But I guess we'll find out right after this break!

Kelsey

BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed. [beat] We got it.

BoJack

Really? I didn't cry.

Kelsey

You didn't have to.

BoJack

Hey, where's Kelsey?

Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene that's not in the movie anymore. Uh, silly me, I didn't like that. So I fired her ass.

BoJack

Now, lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that's going to ruin my career.

Well, there's no reason to sulk about it.

Diane

Or, you could sulk about it.

BoJack

Diane does raise some good points.

Todd

[talks about joining Shenanigags] I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the main stage with the chosen ones.

Diane

Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult. [sticks a knife in a beer can, pulls tab and drinks the side]

Todd

What?! No! It's not a cult. It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. [Diane exhales]

BoJack

It's a cult, and I know what I'm talking about. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. 'Cause coincidentally during that year I happened to read a book about cults.

BoJack

[Todd trips into huge pile of beer cans] Boo! Party foul! You knocked over Bucking-can Palace.

Todd

Uh, sorry, I'll clean that up later.

BoJack

Listen to this guy, "clean it up later." He hasn't picked up his shit in years.

Diane

Pick up your shit, Todd!

Princess Carolyn

[on the phone] Hey, BoJack! What kind of pants are you wearing right now?

BoJack

What? The normal kind?

Princess Carolyn

Yeah? Are they comfy? A comfy pair of pants?

BoJack

I guess. Why?

Princess Carolyn

Oh, I was just wondering what kind of hit you're gonna take when the studio sues the pants off you for breach of contract.

BoJack

They're suing me? Also, are you wearing comfortable shoes? Because that was a long road to walk to get to that punchline.

I can't be around someone who's just fuelled by bitterness and negativity.

BoJack

Well then, what are you doing here?

What happened, BoJack?

BoJack

Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me. Then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.

You know, it's funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.