BoJack Horseman quotes from BoJack Horseman

BoJack

'Neigh way, Jose!' I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol' BoJack spin.

BoJack

You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

BoJack

The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

BoJack

[written words] "Kelsey, in this terrifying world, all we have are the connections that we make. I'm sorry I got you fired. I'm sorry I never called you after."

BoJack

You gotta get me out of this thing. This asshole is giving me everything I ask for. What a nightmare.

BoJack

I do love you by the way, I mean as much as I'm capable of loving anyone, which is never enough.

BoJack

[thinking while waking up] Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit. You're a real stupid piece of shit. But I know I'm a piece of shit. That at least makes me better than all the pieces of shit who don't know they're pieces of shit. Or is it worse? Breakfast. [cut to BoJack taking his pills] Oh, I don't deserve breakfast. Shut up. Don't feel sorry for yourself. What does that do? Get breakfast, you stupid fat-ass. [cut to BoJack sitting at the table eating cookies] These are cookies. This is not breakfast. You are eating cookies. Stop it! Stop eating cookies and go make yourself breakfast! Stop it! [BoJack takes another cookie] Don't eat one more cookie! Put that cookie down! Do not eat that cookie! [BoJack bites into the cookie] I can't believe you ate that cookie!

BoJack

[thinking to himself] Go talk to her, idiot. Drink first... No, you stupid alcoholic. Talk to your daughter. You're ruining her. You know that, right? No matter what, your poison is already in her. There's nothing you can do. "That's not true!" Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit! You're a real stupid piece of shit, and everywhere you go you destroy people! Of course your mother never loved you, what did you expect? That's why Sarah Lynn died! That's why Charlotte will never forgive you! What are you gonna do to Hollyhock!? What are you gonna do, asshole!? SHUT UP!!!

BoJack

[thinking to himself] You screw-up. You're making your daughter hate you. Which is... good, because look what happens when people love you! Look at Penny! And Herb! And Sarah Lynn! It's because you made them love you, BoJack.

BoJack

Sartre was wrong. Physical pain is so much worse than prolonged emotional distress. What a hack!

In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as "broad" and "saccharine" and "not good". But the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.

BoJack

It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic...

It's really no problem.

BoJack

I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.

You parked in a—?

BoJack

I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the... proper... nomenclature?

Maybe you should move the car.

BoJack

No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk.

You're telling me that you're drunk right now?

BoJack

Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.

Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around. To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?

BoJack

Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you— Is it okay to say "shit"?

Please don't.

BoJack

'Cause I— I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation eighteen years ago?

BoJack

That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh... Uh, I... [beat] Ummm...

Todd

Morning, sunshine! [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomy?

BoJack

First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.

Todd

Well, we don't need to put labels on things.

BoJack

You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

Todd

Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it—

Todd

...you secretly have a good heart.

BoJack

You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle". I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.

Todd

That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.

Todd

Did you say you've had tapeworms?

Todd

Are you drunk?

BoJack

Todd, I weigh 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk... Yes.

BoJack

As my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?

Princess Carolyn

No way. You are in the prime of your life; you've never looked better!

BoJack

And as my ex-girlfriend?

Princess Carolyn

You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

BoJack

Wait, so, which pile of crap am I?

Princess Carolyn

The third one.

BoJack

What? That's the worst one!

Princess Carolyn

So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

BoJack

I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.