Princess Carolyn quotes from BoJack Horseman

Princess Carolyn

I don't know how you expect me to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

Princess Carolyn

BoJack, you are amazing. You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented. But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.

BoJack

As my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?

Princess Carolyn

No way. You are in the prime of your life; you've never looked better!

BoJack

And as my ex-girlfriend?

Princess Carolyn

You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

BoJack

Wait, so, which pile of crap am I?

Princess Carolyn

The third one.

BoJack

What? That's the worst one!

Princess Carolyn

So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

BoJack

I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.

Princess Carolyn

BoJack, I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.

BoJack

I don't hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, I just think he's wrong about the muffins.

Princess Carolyn

You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back! Because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!

BoJack

Ohh... Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?

Princess Carolyn

Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack

Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?! I need a drink.

Princess Carolyn

No! No more drinking! You've been out of control. [cutaway to BoJack hanging out with an old man at night]

BoJack

Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos!

Princess Carolyn

That is not John Stamos! [next scene shows both of them by morning]

BoJack

Hey, Princess Carolyn! John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.

Princess Carolyn

That is not your ear! [next scene shows BoJack all by himself, upset]

BoJack

Princess Carolyn... John Stamos died! [on his knees, cries] Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos?! [back to present] That doesn't sound so bad.

Princess Carolyn

Oh, I forgot to mention—you were naked for a lot of that. [cutaway to naked BoJack pounding the grass]

BoJack

Stamoooss!!

Princess Carolyn

Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office. [cutaway to naked BoJack crying at the office]

BoJack

We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong!

Princess Carolyn

[having a conversation with BoJack] Hey, do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits? Why would you serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.

BoJack

What are you doing here? You didn't even know Herb.

Princess Carolyn

No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, [see Sarah Lynn quarrel over taking Malala Yousafzai's Nobel Prize] that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes—I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.

BoJack

There's so much to hate about what you just said.

Princess Carolyn

[on the phone] Hey, BoJack! What kind of pants are you wearing right now?

BoJack

What? The normal kind?

Princess Carolyn

Yeah? Are they comfy? A comfy pair of pants?

BoJack

I guess. Why?

Princess Carolyn

Oh, I was just wondering what kind of hit you're gonna take when the studio sues the pants off you for breach of contract.

BoJack

They're suing me? Also, are you wearing comfortable shoes? Because that was a long road to walk to get to that punchline.

Princess Carolyn

I'm done. That's it. I'm tired of bending over backwards for you anymore.

BoJack

I mean this in all seriousness. Professionally or in bed?

Princess Carolyn

It smells like a skunk skunked a skunk and then smoked a joint! What happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Well, first I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work. So then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, you know, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter scent back.

Todd

And then I smoked a joint.

Princess Carolyn

You wanna know what I do when I have a really horrible, awful, bad day?

BoJack

What?

Princess Carolyn

I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?

BoJack

But it's...fake.

Princess Carolyn

Yeah, well...it makes me feel better.