CRCharlie Rose
In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as "broad" and "saccharine" and "not good". But the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.
It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic...
CRCharlie Rose
It's really no problem.
I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.
CRCharlie Rose
You parked in a—?
I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the... proper... nomenclature?
CRCharlie Rose
Maybe you should move the car.
No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk.
CRCharlie Rose
You're telling me that you're drunk right now?
Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.
CRCharlie Rose
Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around. To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?
Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you— Is it okay to say "shit"?
CRCharlie Rose
Please don't.
'Cause I— I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
CRCharlie Rose
Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation eighteen years ago?
That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh... Uh, I... [beat] Ummm...
Morning, sunshine! [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomy?
First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.
Well, we don't need to put labels on things.
You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it—
[BoJack turns on the blender for Todd to finish his sentence before turning it off]
...you secretly have a good heart.
You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle". I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.
That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.
[BoJack groans and he shuts the compartment door]
Did you say you've had tapeworms?
As my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?
No way. You are in the prime of your life; you've never looked better!
You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.
Wait, so, which pile of crap am I?
What? That's the worst one!
MBMafia Boss
Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally... for life! [smooches BoJack's cheek] Let's dance!
Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?
Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.
Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a quinceañera. Now who's racist?
Do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?
The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.
No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?
That's not all that was beneath him! ...Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.
Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?
Good Lord, that's depressing.
I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!
[In a flashback, BoJack is shown trying to pour cereal into a bowl. Only a few pieces come out at first, but then all of it comes out, overflowing onto the table.]
[groaning] Todd! I need help!
Excuse me. [walks to two girls and a chicken girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight. And I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.
I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.
GGirl
If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?
Because I didn't think of that and now I feel stupid!
GGirl
Look, I have a right to be here—
NO!! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.
GGirl
[beat] You think I'm pretty?
TJTom Jumbo-Grumbo
[live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
NMNeal McBeal
Thank you, Tom.
All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.
BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.
Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?
Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!
In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]
Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?
I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.
This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!
You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!
I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?
Really? You, specifically, made America safer?
Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.
I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.
What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?
...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?
Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.
You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.
And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.
